I Just Miss You.

I may not be strong enough to face this. Absence is denial.

Truth is, my masochism is flaring up. I can't listen to anything but my old favorites; nothing but my old favorites remind me of you. Thinking about you hurts more now. You're a stranger, and you know nothing about my life. I know nothing about yours.

Everyone gets sick of the same songs on repeat in my car. They're the only way I really remember you.

I never thought our worlds would matter. You were my guarantee, my light when I thought I was nothing. The future was set, and we'd be little old ladies with a penchant for insanity. We've earned it, after all.

Who gets the best of you? I remember when it was me.

I can't even make this into something eloquent. I can't vary my sentences, piece together a mental picture. I'm afraid to use my strengths because I'm afraid I can't be anything I used to be. I'm afraid I'm too far gone. I'm afraid you're even farther gone.

Sometimes I hurt and you're the only one I want to talk to, but I'm afraid you won't respond, won't have time. Do you think my lack of haze prevents me from understanding? Do you think I'd ever judge you? Worry is a far cry from looking down. Worry and missing you to death. I've lost you to something, and I have no idea what. Chances are, neither do you.

I don't know what to say because I don't know where you are. I don't know what you did yesterday, the last time you slept too much to avoid so much. I don't know the last time you remembered him and cried.

Remember what we said? Halves of a whole? Well I'm living proof that my half of the brain is suffering without you. It's not the same. It hasn't been for a long time.

I feel nothing short of pathetic.

To put it simply, I miss you more than I've ever let on.