Dear You, Guarded Soul

Dear You,

I highly doubt you’ll want to think this is to you, but I’m almost sure you’ll read it. Even if you do know it's you, you may not acknowledge it to me. It's okay, do what you will with it. I feel so much pressure to communicate this completely, like even the smallest mix up will be taken the wrong way. I miss the you I once knew. The you I was important to. No, that’s not me being selfish. I just feel like you were such a good person then.

You seem to have abandoned almost everything I really admired about you. Maybe that’s why we fell apart. I fought too hard only to meet resistance. All this time, and I still think about it. I still think about you. But I don’t know if you ever really think about me, about memories once so fond. I want you to know that it’s okay to remember. Maybe you don’t want to, but I think it’s valuable to: to remember, to learn. I hope it taught you a lot. You taught me a lot.

Don’t be too proud. I wish you’d find that old you again. I don’t think you realize how different you are. People are worried about you now. I’m worried about you now. The you I knew so well had it together. But you let it crumble; I don’t even know why it happened. You were so sure, and now it seems like you live to keep up appearances. You say you go against the norm, but I can see beyond your surface. You’re more lost than ever. And I want to be there for you. I can help you. All I want is for you to be someone you’ll be proud of. Don't be mad for this. You need honesty.

The way you talk doesn’t make you look any better. The way you act doesn’t make you any hotter. Do the world a favor and drop the ego. Be real. Let someone love you without boundaries. Quit the mind games and playing girls. Get yourself out of the messes you’re headed to before they trap you. I still know you well, better than you think. I found peace when I got over you. Now I want you to find yours from whatever burdens you. I still care about your well being and I’ll always be here for you. I really do want to be your best friend. Let down your guard. You won’t regret it.

Dear You, Lively Counterpart

Dear You,

Fast times are flying and you're always by my side. We've never been this on fire. I've never felt this close to perfect and confident in the saga that is me and you. We have all the stamina to carry this on. I love you and I've loved you; I feel it now stronger than ever before. In the not so eventful, we lay back and watch the stars with cookies in hand. Busy hits us and we ride the good times without loosing our hand-in-hand grip.

I don't want this to change. Phone calls accidentally longer and texts stream on for pages; I won't wish back the past. I've never felt more content. For so long I've strived for this. We may tweak and perfect details on occasion, but our very foundation, I can only hope, will remain unmoved.

Finally to the point of honesty. Finally we found our stride. Let's take it that stride and run. We're meant for these moments, meant to aid each other, and meant to form each other. We're grown and growing, together and older. Keep my promise around your neck; I'm wearing yours around mine.

Dear You, My Always Constant

Dear You,

You are not forgotten. In your heart, you feel replaced, out of place, trying to make everything fall into place. You’re as dear to me as you ever have been. The fault’s in me. Don’t struggle; don’t think. It’s me. It’s my crazy. It’s my life and balance and the sense to be made of them all. My turn. I need to show you now that I love you like I did on those nights we spend laying aimlessly on countless couches in sheer serenity.

Don’t give up on me just yet. Branching out takes its toll, but you are a part of me no matter what I change and who I become. Memories of growing up and growing into ourselves aren’t lost on me. Trust me, I won’t take everything you’ve been in my life for granted. I love you the same. Both the same as I always have and the same as I love those in the same place as you.

Know you’ll never be downgraded, never replaced. I’m sorry for the confusion of lately and I’m excited for the amazing of later. You’re in my life. I don’t want you to leave. Thank you for being patient. I don’t want to disappoint you anymore.

Dear You, Unlikely Confidante

Dear You,

You may be heaven sent. I confide in you things I'm too proud to tell anyone else. You, the calm and collected to my ranting and helpless. I hope I've helped. Break down your walls, because you're a beautiful person. You question yourself too much. Have you ever thought yourself up in your mind for all that you've done? No. I know that you haven't.

In your mind, you'll always be one step short of successful, a step behind on the trail everyone else so easily blazes. You have talent in every area you strive so hard for yet feel you fail to accomplish. You're not failing. I look UP to you. Because to the world you have it all figured out. To your friends, you are a rock. To yourself, you're a pretty alright person, just keeping your head above the water. Know that you're the only one who thinks that. You're going to go places in life.

You are maturity beyond measure and cool-headed in the face of trouble. Keep helping; never stop playing lifeline. You don't realize how many people need you. But every now and then, think of yourself. Look inside, write it out, scream it, play it, sing it: whatever it takes to drive into your mind that you are, truly and completely, a genuinely good person. You are rare. Don't discount that. Ever. Thank you. You've impacted me more than you'll ever know.

Dear You, Premade Best Friend

Dear You,
I wish you were still so influential to my life. I miss that summer long forgotten. I never thought I'd say that. It was the worst of my life. I miss it for you. You were my best friend, what happened? We're still close, yes. But you're so different now and so am I. We both grew into our awkward minds and bodies and became people worthy of good friendships and self confidence. I worry that you'll become your family. You are my family, quite literally, but you live in a house that is poison to your wellbeing.

Price tags mark your worth in their eyes. But I see you as so much more than that. First female president, future top executive. You try too hard when you could be a powerhouse without a second thought. You were made to be influential so don't be influenced. You're more than a rich girl. I want to be around to help you however I can.

I'm a carefree spirit to your rigorous extracurriculars, I'm a slacker to your scheduled study. But we were born best friends in pink and yellow Power Ranger souls. That won't change. Thanks for keeping me included in every step of your life. It's the little things that won't let me forget that you'll always be there for me. I love you.

Memories are Unavoidable.

I’ve noticed lately that as much as I wish it wasn’t true, I’m still prone to my moments of weakness. Even though I never let myself think what if, I find myself thinking about what was, and why it had to change. Life may be good now, but it has been just as good in the past. Some times have been even better. It’s hard to forget those; it’s hard not to wish they were still around. I accept the here and now. I love the here and now. I’m happy here and now. But I still think about then. I still dream about the past. Because once upon a time, I was the happiest I’ve ever been in life. I’m not one of those girls that will say that once something is over, it didn’t mean as much as they said it did. No. I’m not too proud to admit that those times were the best of my life. The fact that it’s over, stuck in the past, doesn’t change how happy I was in that moment.

So I have an acceptance that the past will always be a part of me. I’ll never regret or wish away those amazing memories. However, sometimes I do wish that this sense of longing would go away. I wish I could have fun now without it feeling like someone’s picking at the edge of a scab in my heart. It’s a feeling similar to guilt, like I feel cautious having a good time. Will this be nothing more than a memory to look back at too? Should I really put stake in this if it’s going to fade away? It makes me wonder exactly how much momentary happiness is worth.

But that’s me at my most cynical. This is where the dominant part of me kicks in and kicks myself in the head. Momentary happiness is worth every single bit of the joy felt in the moment. You should never look ahead and question a moment’s longevity in your life if it feels right. At that one moment in time, it was what made you happy. No matter what happens afterwards, once upon a time that moment meant everything to you. So don’t question it.

Now it’s my turn to take my own advice. Once upon a time, I clung to those memories like the pictures, phones, and songs they live it. I need to learn to let go for good. I let go of feelings, now I need to learn to be able to remember the past without that shade of hurt coloring my view. Now’s the perfect time to make new memories, and keep the old ones in a place of love, but not of loss. The memories aren’t gone. They’re never going. And thank God for that. It’s the people, the places, the circumstances that have changed. And that’s not for me to worry about anymore. I may make new memories with those same people, but they’ll be different in every way. There’s no use in nostalgically longing for the past.

Instead of looking back, I’ll long for tomorrow; I’ll feel the excitement of new memories to make and moments to live. Right now is the happiest time of my life. I have so many more happiest times of my life to look forward to. I’m so thankful for the ones in the past, but they don’t define me. Moments of weakness aside, I think I have it all in check. And that’s enough to get me through any weak times to come.

October is heaven.

I love October. I love the feeling of being busy, and always having something to look forward to.

I can promise you I've been acting on my last post, which you could hopefully tell by the lack of updates since then. So often, writing is my escape when my thoughts are so full my head could explode. Lately, I really haven't needed it because everything's been falling into place. Branching out feels good. All the relationships in my life have found a balance; they're all strong. Knock on wood, but I feel like the good vibes that always come along with October are working their magic. I have so much to look forward to in this crazy month, and I can't wait to live it all.

To the most important people in my life, and you know who you are, I love you. You're my world. To the people who have shaped and influence me, thank you. You may be one and you don't even know.

Everything's good and life's going my way. I don't think anything can stop me now.

I need. I want. I feel. Epiphany.

I feel weightless. I feel free. On top of the world with no standards to live by.

I feel like going out on a weeknight, like staying out way later than I should the night before I have a big assignment due.

I want to do something that my conscience would deem completely and totaly reckless.

I feel like being wanted more than I'm wanting, for once.

I want to go running at midnight, outside, alone, and be unafraid.

I feel like jumping out of a plane, getting a tattoo, and driving with no destination till my gas gauge says empty.

I want to tell someone every single one of my imperfections and have them not take advantage of them.

I feel like making friends with a stranger, and make a lasting friend as a result.

I want to hang out with kids I'd never dreamed I'd be around and love every second.

I feel like skipping my first-meeting shyness and doing something crazy in front of a someone new and having them accept me whole heartedly for the goofball I am.

I want to not need my cell phone because I'm with everyone who I'd want to talk to.

I feel like letting go and not making second guesses.

I want to start fresh with the people who would never hurt me. Who know me inside and out and love me for it. And who are willing to let me know them inside and out.

I feel like feeling beautiful without fearing coming across as vain.

I want to play or sing in front of someone and not care how bad or good I sound.
I feel like going out on a day when I'd rather stay in.

I want guilty pleasure moments I'll never regret.

And I realize who I need in all of that. And I realize that I love those people more than anything.

And now's the time. Because I know you don't feel like this everyday, and I'm acting on it. The past is past, and the here and now is my life. I'm gonna make the most of it and not waste a second being anything but happy. So here's to epiphanies and the people who help you have them, to realizations and the people you won't regret leaving behind, talents and weaknesses, vulnerability and strength. I'm gonna screw up, and I'm gonna do something totally selfless. I'm not pigeonholed or stuck.

In fact, I'm free.