What I'm doing with my life.

So today I discovered some pretty significant thigns about myself, in the form of a meeting with what I call a "career shrink." About a month ago I filled out some tests and forms, and sent them in, and this doctor analyzed my results. What I found out from him was completely fascinating.

He started with saying that I was the kind of person who could go a vast number of ways, careerwise. My interests are very widespread, and according to the test I guess I'm a well-adjusted person, as he said it, I'm not the "weird type" at all. We talked about my love of music and writing, and he talked about how well it reflected in my results. Then he started on the topic of college majors, and I couldn't help but positively beam at the suggestion he gave me. He told me to major in Communications, in the area of Journalism or TV/Film Broadcasting. Wow. I was so excited. I'd love any career that could come out of those majors! Another suggestion he gave was to major in English and Creative Writing, that any of those majors would be perfect for me and my future suitable careers. He went on to explain how these suited me; things I can't even put into the right words to relay. It felt like he knew exactly what went on in my mind, the very person I am.

Honestly, this appointment was so worthwhile. He told me things that totally intrigued me about myself! I won't go into the detail of all the potential careers he laid out for me, but all that he said captured my interest. I would recommend for any kid my age to go through something like this. I'm so psyched for my future now. My mind is a lot clearer now that I know what to make of my talents. Now it's down to narrowing down colleges and picking the right one. That doesn't seem so daunting anymore, now that I have it down to five schools. I'm feeling sooo goooood!

So I know what I'm doing in college now! :- ) And that's an amazing feeling to have. I'll take my freshman and possibly sophomore year to narrow it down to one of the above listed majors. I know by then one will be out in the front of the pack. From there, I can go on to do about a million careers, whatever my little heart desires.

I couldn't be more excited. Bring on the future.

Escape.

Wish I could write a song and play it for you
But I steal others' melodies and sing out of tune
And I know, in this way
Not a thing will be good enough to say to you

Just something I made up while in the Brand New mindset. Naturally, the line about stolen melodies is because I made these lyrics up to one of Brand New's melodies. Hah. Their music is good brainfood for me. Honestly, they've created the aura I've been living in for a good period of time.

All I have to say is, I know why music is in my life. Writing and music. Last summer, I found my escape. It may be crazy to say, but this really is my way of dealing. When I'm in here, whether it's in front of the screen or equipped with a pen in hand, I'm at my best. Add some good tunes to the mix, and I'm complete. Everything else is gone when I find a song I can relate to, when I get my feelings out of me and into words I could never manage to express so articulately out loud. I don't know what I would do if I hadn't discovered this therapy. All I know is it's the reason I'm the generally upbeat person that I am. It keeps me going through the tough times because I can write it and release it, and move forward with my life. And it's times like now that I appreciate that so much.

One more thing, thank God that you can write unpublished drafts on here. I'm developing a small army of them. Haha. They're nice to have, but they're things I'm too afraid or feel I don't need to post. Maybe someday. But for now, it's nice just to have them out where I can read.

Because even if you can't see it, at least I know it's out of me, that it's there, and that my thoughts are that much clearer.

Sometimes, I get frustrated with people.

Slowly but surely, I'm realizing what drives me crazy about people. Sure, I like to think of myself as tolerant, but I have my moments of weakness just like anyone else. Today it hit me, a simple two words that I haven't really outright admitted about myself: I'm opinionated. I've realized that I have views on just about every matter that's up for debate. Naturally, everyone has feelings pulling them in a certain direction; it just depends on how each person feels about the urgency to express those views. I'm the type that's pretty active in discussion; I like sharing my opinions. I like even more when people respectfully disagree with me. You know that fluttery little spasm of excitement you get in your stomach before opening your birthday presents? Arguing my views gives me a sensation something like that on a lesser scale. I live for a well-rounded argument between level-headed people.

So obviously, fighting the irrational makes me absolutely crazy. I can't stand justifying myself against views that are half baked but fought for like they are the world's greatest. Take for instance some people in a class of mine. They're totally gung-ho for Sarah Palin, purely because she's female. Yes, it's great to see a female running for office, but you can't base the nation's future on that. They'll fight to the death that everything she does is great and she rocks and everyone else sucks, and so on. Do they even consider her lack of experience, let alone ANY other factor besides the fact that she has different parts than her opposers? Views have to be thought through before they can be fought. Otherwise, you may think you're right, when in fact your fellow debater is using everything in them to keep from screaming at your obvious lack of thought processing.

Remember, this is just me ranting about the stuff on my mind. I don't mean to cause any uproar and I don't mean to offend a soul. All I ask is if you read what I write, take it in with an open mind. It's going to be opinion packed.

It's insane to be able to find calm in chaos. Every word I write comes from a place of passion. What did I do to deserve the clarity this brings? All I know is I couldn't ask for more.

Thinker.

It's crazy how day to day life is lately. It's kind of an adventure to see what mood I'm going to be in when I wake up in the mornings. I've been through the whole rainbow of moods in the past week or two; it's really been a rather colorful period of time. I've been everywhere from hurt, unsure, even angry, to super independent and sunny. The past few days, though, have been all upbeat. I don't know what flipped the switch, but all of a sudden, I feel like me again. I'm not sorry for myself or down on my luck. Thank God for that. I like being happy; it feels nice. I may have my fair share of shit to deal with, but it hardly seems daunting anymore. I know that I'm strong and I can handle it all. So my mind is calm again; I found my peace. Sure, I can't help but think every know and then, but I know I'm gonna be okay. What a good feeling. Plus, it seems like the people closest to me are more supportive of me than ever. I'm blessed; I have a lot of love in my life. I have a gut feeling that this weekend is going to be a big one, and I'm so excited to face it head on. I'm looking forward to the tons of plans I have and the amazing people I get to spend them with. I realize I have a lot going for me, and that's what I tell myself when I get down. The near future should be a good one. Here's to this crazy ride called life.

I've done so much thinking lately, even more than usual. It's completely crazyy! Sometimes I wish I could shut my mind off. Others, I love it and consider it a gift. Do Most people spend this much time thinking? There's a comfort, a quiet in my mind that I can't seem to find anywhere else. This is all the therapy I'll ever need.

I'm living.

Nothing beats the feeling of driving in weather like today. Windows down, music loud, singing like you don’t give a damn who hears, it’s incomparable. For once in my life, I didn’t care that the minivan in front of me was going 25 in a 30 on a country road where you can easily get away with doing 50. My road rage shattered in some sort of weather-induced bliss. Despite the drizzle, I had both windows down all the way, sticking my hand out of the driver’s side and catching drops on my hand. The breeze was the perfect temperature for my light sweatshirt.

A few times I even caught myself with my head back, closing my eyes. That’s when you know you’re getting a taste of heaven, when you know, for those few seconds; you’re going to be safe enough to enjoy the perfection of the moment. Vision didn’t matter; it was just like my sense of feel took over. I haven’t experienced the awareness of feeling like I did today in a long time. It was like I could feel the breeze wrapping around my fingers and every raindrop collide with my palm.

The littlest of moments. Just another drive home from school on an overcast day. But days like today remind me that I am alive. I didn’t take those 20 minutes for granted. I realized that everyday I take those 20 minutes for granted. I’m usually still in the blahblahschool state of mind, and I don’t turn on my senses ‘til I’m home. How much time have I been wasting in that lull? I wish I didn’t. But today I can say that I lived. In the most average of moments, I felt every detail of my life like I was freeze-framed in that state of being.

So now I’m going to quit talking about it, and go sit on my balcony while it drizzles some more. I’ll crank my tunes once again and let myself fall into the depths of their meanings. Today, I surrender to this feeling, because I haven’t felt this good in awhile. I’m alive today, and with any luck I’ll live to see tomorrow.

Seriously, how lucky am I? I’m alive and young. I’m living. I’m the luckiest girl in the world, if nothing else but for today.

Am I really learning?

It’s seemingly impossible to enjoy a full school day these days. There always that one class period of the day where you find yourself frequently checking the clock, just to be let down by the passing of no more than five minutes. It sucks the worst when this happens multiple times a day, but yet, it’s happened to us all. Why has school developed this stigma of being nothing but torture? Why can’t we seem to find any sense of enjoyment in the knowledge being filed in our brains? I think education isn’t serving its purpose. What good is a mind full of facts when its owner has no idea how to apply it to everyday life? School boards and educators stress the value of “core classes.” Why? We may not need three-fourths of the knowledge we gain from them in the long run.

Electives are few and far between anymore. All the state cares about is ISTEP scores. Training kids for statistical success according to test results is the only stress is education these days. Instead of increasing electives that could potentially bring a light to the usually dark days of monotony in high schools, they’re shutting more windows and keeping students in the dark of their dreams. We’re being trained for all things by the book and mundane. Not everyone can fill cubicles. Some of us are meant to live outside the norm. Some of our success can’t be measured in ISTEP scores. There’s a good deal of students who won’t learn anything relating to the career they desire until they enter it.

High schools are supposed to be training students for their future. Sure, core classes aid in this, but they should NOT be the focus they have become today. Core and electives should be balanced in a way that allows students to apply their knowledge in everyday situations.

Naturally, this blog was provoked by the very thing I’m raving about. I’m just chilling in the library with nothing to do and too much time to do it. Is it lunchtime yet?