All it took was a trip down memory lane and some sweet words to soothe my fears.

I've been somewhere too. I've made memories already that I'd rather have forged with you. It's a sad reality of age and growth that at this point in our lives, we will have shared parts of it with someone else. At some point, someone else held our time, someone else had our devotion. This is a natural part of learning exactly what it is we want for the rest of our lives. You and I, we learned by trial and error. We suffer bitter ends and gave several years. I wish I could get mine back, sometimes. Others? I thank God for every minute. I learned so much about myself, about the things I want and don't want. I learned never to skimp on passion. I learned to be selfish with what you need and endlessly generous with what you have to give. If you love someone, give them your everything. If they're worth it, you'll give it without a fight, even though it is the most terrifying experience to lose yourself. The best part? You'll have all of them. Together, you're a team, complete, happy, and owners of everything you need.

I need to thank you. My anxiety heightens at the thought of you, but I owe you for the man I know now. I know you'd never want to, but I wish you could see us. It's effortless, and every time I see him, it's like Christmas morning. His face in the window, I run from my car, forgetting everything I own. You deserve every inch of happiness; I just wish you'd quit running to him to try to find it. Your past is past for a reason, and that which is broken is better left on a shelf. Even if repaired, it'll never be strong enough to hold up against everyday use. You will be happy. You will be filled with a joy that only the One can provide. Give up the past and find him. He's waiting. You deserve it.


God is teaching me how to let go. God is teaching me how to humble myself. Most importantly? God is teaching me how to understand. This future is going to be filled with love so beautiful I can't picture it yet. God gave me a family, and I fully intend to hold onto it, grow it, and never take advantage of it. I want this life with you, and I'll do whatever it takes to keep it.

Thank you for loving me, for letting God shape you into the perfect man for me. I can only pray that God continues to build me into the woman that makes your dreams come true.

Patience.

"Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21

As I study patience, my mind fades away. I'm in desperate need of these lessons and my mind needs focus. So I come here.

God, I want so much, and I want it all now. Why is it that I can't make my mind slow and enjoy the now? The moments I cherish fly by, the hours of work and obligation stretch for days. It hardly seems fair, but I know this is what you're trying to teach me, to delight in everything I do. I need to praise you in my work. I need to thank you in my joy. It's so easy to say thank you for the good, for the gifts you've given me. Why then do I forget to thank you for the blessing of a balanced life, for 40 hours a week to devote to making a living? These words I read are jumping off of the page and into my heart. Reading can't begin to cover everything I need to learn.

Patience is a virtue I've lost sight of. Patience for 8 hour days, patience when I'm away from the ones I can't get enough of. You've given me a passion for loving with everything I have, and I get carried away. Help me to cherish the time between with the moment of togetherness in mind.

Keep my eyes focused on you; help me to see that everything in this life only magnifies the loving grace you've undeservedly given to me. I've never loved You more, and I never want to love you less. Help me to pass it on, to love like You do.

Thank you for the obligations, for learning new things, and honestly, for patience. Thank you for my struggle, for your power is made perfect in my weakness. Help me to boast in it and be humbled so that everything I say and do can point to the God who loves me.

At least once a week, I write about you. Every time, I'm even more amazed that you're in my life. Can I have this forever? A girl can only dream.

I am so scared of the power you hold.

You told me you loved me first, and I laughed. What does this boy know in a whiskey state of mind? My thoughts began racing, and I knew I wanted to say it back. We'll talk about it in the morning. I was too scared to ask if you meant it, and I went on holding my breath.

A few favorite poisons and a several late nights later, your eyes are on my screen and my source is revealed. I pick one, and one line in, you repeat yourself. You repeat a part of yourself that is several nights removed and front and center in my mind. I think I ask twenty times if you mean it.

You love me?

The next day it drops as you help me pass a test. You carry my weight and show me your world. I can't wait to fire into the sky, and I make a joke of your sweet words. I can swear to you that I cherish them.

It's my least favorite and cherished ritual, and goodbye has come again like a harsh profanity. My state of mind is clear, unaltered, and I'm terrified once again at the words behind my teeth. You know, and you ask, but at long last you say those words again. I whisper my reply in your ear, afraid it's your idea of a joke. You hold me tight and I know.

You love me.

I'm still afraid to tell you that I love you, still afraid that you aren't real. I love you with every inch, and I am absolutely terrified. It's so soon and you have complete reign. My mind is set to forever, and should you pull away, I'm not sure how I'd cope. I think I need you and I've never wanted to need anyone. Stay.

I hope you never stop loving me.

I could never stop loving you.

Ordinary? No.

Me and you.

I can't believe it's two weeks in and I'm biting my lips to hold back strong words. Everything you do leaves me amazed; everything you say makes the color in my checks rise. A gentleman, an unselfish lover, a leader. Who would've guessed from a glance across the room? Your force is magnetic and I need you more than I'm willing to admit.

I think back to the days I was scared to near your table, scared to offer you something to drink. I had to look my best, though I was sure I'd never get close to you. I had a chance, and I ran like a scared little kid. It took a literal pull to get me face to face with you, and I was certain I forgot how to breathe. I couldn't get more than 5 words out before I had to run, scared again, hitting myself internally. I lost my chance! But I came home to a message, and this message turned to a stream, and soon enough, I wasn't afraid to look into your eyes. It started with a marathon day stretched into my reality. Now, you are my favorite pillow.

I'm dying to unfold what I'm revealing. My lungs are sure to burst if I don't sing it soon. I'm so scared of what you do to me, but I've never loved anything more.

Already, I've never loved anyone more.

I want to write every night about you, baby, until you're laying right beside me.

At least once a day, I check my sources. You're real, but I never imagined it possible. I'm breathless at your smile, unable to draw breath when I realize it's me you're smiling at.

There's so much lying beneath those lines, so much I want to know. Where have you been? It's safe to say it could be anywhere and I would stay firmly in place. I'm aching to fall asleep to you. Hands in my hair, mine on your back. I've felt perfection and I don't want to digress. Stay with me.

Bursting at the seams. All it is, is you, with me.

My cheeks are reddened to a sunburn mother nature couldn't give me. You do this to me. I don't want to wait until I can see you again, and the anticipation burns skin deep. You're near.

I'm in awe of your smile. I don't understand why you're in my focus, but you insist on making me feel beautiful. You do this to me.

The way your teeth point makes my breath quicken. The way you pause makes my breath stop. I swear my heart beats ragged just as long as you're around, but I breathe with ease.

My breathing differs from message tone to the silence in between. Stay.

I just have a feeling; you are where I want to be.

Goodnight and Hello.

It's barely August 19th, and the wee hours can't shake the energy coming over me.

You picked me up several minutes late, and from the minute I jumped in your car, we were quick with conversation and negligent of the radio. One downtown drive later, you navigated a packed parking lot and the ticket lines parted. I dubbed you navigator, you would soon complain that the smiling made your face hurt. We explored trails when we didn't know where they led and made loops to ensure we saw everything. I remember wanting you to hold my hand. A man called me a keeper when I got excited to see the snakes. You said "Yeah, I guess you are a keeper." I blushed in that dark room, and I knew without certainty that I liked you.

I remember the pink lemonade, the sticky hands and dropped spoons; laughing at inappropriate dragonflies and telling stories about school, tattoos, family. We stopped in a quiet room that was soon overtaken by noise, so we ditched it in favor of a long walk around the park. I said I knew a place, and you gave me the patience to find it. We walked a path without assurance we were allowed to and climbed hills to get back to the start. A rock bench became home for an unknown amount of time, and we battled off ants while asking questions. You said our chapsticks would taste good together. It's silly, but this is when I knew I wanted you to kiss me.

One more car ride and we're back in familiar territory, for me. I know I want sushi, but you step outside your comfort zone. We try each other's and you make me eat half of yours. I find this bossiness incredibly endearing, like you genuinely enjoy treating me. We choke on mints that neither of us like and just sneak in for a movie right on time. You insist on popcorn, but nerves and dinner have me filled to the brim. I can't resist your smile, so I tuck some kernels in for good measure. My hand is perched like I'm back in grade school, and not long after, you oblige. I feel your eyes on me, making sure I'm laughing on cue, again anxious to provide the very best. To this, I happily oblige.

We take up music quizzing and you show me a glimpse of your past. We laugh at your music, although it's quite good, and I secretly treasure that wrong turn. More time with you, just you.

You say you'd love to hang out with my family, and you laugh at their jokes and listen to their rants. The booze is free flowing for everyone but us, but you seem as calm and confident as when it was just the two of us. I love the way you brush against me, when you're cold, to let me know you're there. I'm dreaming of goodnight so I can dream of the next hello.

Goodnight comes with a rising chill in the air, and we chatter our teeth as we share the first contact we've ever made. I don't take my hands off of you as we devise our next hello. With this sealed, you kiss me, sweet and honest, your intentions clear without being forward. I can't erase the smile as I watch you disappear. Goodbye until the next hello.

Who am I to be a disciple?

His.

In one week, I will be a college graduate. I have post-graduate employment lined up with a company that I absolutely love. All of this, and I'm only twenty-one years old.

I'm excited to begin my professional life. I have a mother and father who love me enough to allow me to live under their roof. I love them so much that I'm excited to live with them. I love them so much that when I move out, I want to be close enough to visit them weekly, at minimum. My big brother is my best friend, and his girlfriend, my sister. I couldn't be happier if I had dreamed up my own reality. I pity the movies. My life is the stuff of dreams. My life in more than I ever deserved.

Light In Me.

I want the world to see that you put the light in me.

This is unlike anything I've ever experienced. My heart feels like it could burst at any minute; my eyes spontaneously fill with tears. Yet I wear these badges not as a symbol of heartbreak; I wear them as the proud owner of a heart that is healed. I don't remember the last time I was proud to advertise my faith, proud to use God's name in every day conversation. I wish I lived each day that's past, waking up and telling myself "this is the day that the Lord has made!" I've spent my life scraping by, holding onto the off chance that my Sunday faith would be enough to lead me to a new life when my eyes close. I didn't want God to be my friend; I wanted him to be the guy I sang about once a week and swallowed soon after.

Ah, but God has a plan, and it was far from my own. In a world of neatly lined priorities, he fell somewhere toward the back. Despite this disregard, he called me to be His servant, and I quickly accepted, excited for a weekend of godliness that I was sure would fade when I got home. Like I said- His plan is far from my own.

God brought me to life in 72 hours. He showed me who I am at the core of myself- and that person is proud to have Christ in her heart. I have a yearning to not only call myself a Christian, but to make God my friend. I want to chat with Him like I so often forget to and use the joy he's placed in my heart to better the world around me. I want to be unashamed to jam to Christian radio and dance to Christian songs. I'm the same old me, but it suddenly feels like there's 25 hours in the day. I can be the old me and welcome this new me without any issue. God made me a beautiful person, and I want to do my best never to waste the gift he gave me. My faith used to be an afterthought- now it's the setting to my days, the way I wake up, fall asleep, and go through my day. I have a permanent reason to smile.

"This spark, this shot to the heart- you are the hope that leads me out of the dark. You let your love shine down so that the world can see that you put the light in me."

I could read you forever.