Four days have passed since I've felt that undying urge to unload my every feeling, and I can't say I'm upset that it's no longer a daily affair. Even now, I'm writing on full. Thank God for every date between those that I wrote on. Those are the days that my thoughts were moving at an average speed; days when I needed no reassurance in front of me to keep going. Oh, but I'm not knocking my favorite hobby; it's just that some days, it's nice to feel unburdened. Imagine a whole week of days like that after one of the hardest several month long periods life has thrown at you. Hello, sense of long-awaited relaxation. I missed anticipation when miss inebriated fell one too many times.
Now three hours short of freedom, I'm open-hearted and even more open-minded. Words can't describe exactly how excited I am to life life in a forward motion once again. I'm not stuck anymore. Finally, a switch that had been so stuck despite all my efforts to switch its direction decided to give and flip. I am free, I am free, I am free. No more spells to dwell in; no more pleas to write. No one please but me and those who have proved that they need me and I need them. I have everything I need and nothing that I am missing. Do you know how it feels to be complete after being drained for so long? I'm full. I'm fulfilled. I am filled.
Tell me how to tell this story and I will do the best I can. Right now I've been basking in a light the advertisement only wishes they could boast. No more handmade sunlight; I'll be shining under its glow 48 hours from now. These last few hours won't be so tedious. They're better than anything I've felt since the world crashed down. Even monotony now is so beautiful to me because I can appreciate life and live it fully again. Nothing is in my way anymore. No one ever deserved to hold me back, and why I let them, I have no idea. But I'm better now, and better by it all. Life is fast approaching; I'm saving a seat for anyone who would care to jump on and enjoy the breeze. The tickle of stray hairs on cheeks is a pretty pleasant sensation when it comes down to it. This ride is one gift I'd never have to ask for, present as long as I'm breathing.
Life is beautiful; now I'm the one that's not forgetting that.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Miss You.
We're approaching one year of this unlikely roller coaster of friendships, and I miss that place where all I could see what green so much more than usual today.
I remember how I felt the second we pulled up to the hole-in-the-wall motel we called home for a week. My best friend was overcome with fatigue from seventeen hours behind the wheel, and as patient as I wanted to be, I was dying, itching to brave the twenty minute drive and crush a mystery. One hour and two showers seemed like a fair compromise, and an eternity brought me to a backseat 950something miles closer to everything I missed without meeting.
I'm reminiscent and smiling. I miss you all and I can't wait to be there again.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Deadly and Positive.
I feel like bouncing from bullet point to bullet point because that's about where my mind is at. I'm racing at twice the speed limit, and for the first time in awhile, the broken speedometer doesn't have me cringing. Baby cracks its first smile at the man behind the camera, helplessly juggling this week's plush toy. Now there's a story to tell your friends. I swear we're all too wrapped up in our pride to get much of anything accomplished. What would the world be like if no one cared what their friends thought and no one had parents they didn't fear disappointing? Would we all be fifty-five year old fast food employees with a nasty crack habit? Or would survival skills kick in, and our own drive would be enough to steer us to success?
We'll never know because pride is our favorite of the seven deadly. Oops, looks like I just sold out my own, at least. I can't speak for you and you and you, but I've fallen victim to pride since I can remember thoughts racing on paper. I don't know about you, but I don't have the time for the vanity aspect of pride, the stomach for gluttony, the jealous thoughts for envy, the temper for wrath, the drive for lust, the sleuth for greed, or the lack of motivation for sloth. Dabble in each but leave none your vice. We all get wrapped up and stuck here and there now and then. My deadly sin is pride. What's yours?
To you, I allot wrath. You're irraticate and irrational; I've always been scared of you even though I love you. If you think you're slow to anger, you're living in the fast lane, and I'm the grandpa you've been stuck behind for fifty miles on a back country double yellow. What is a limit of friendship, anyway? I never understood the concept of unforgivable sin. It's written that only blasphemy falls in the category, but hearing your speeches promises me that I am guttural and defiled should I fall in step with the wrong sin. it's risky business, and the thin line blurred when I fell and fell hard. Hands don't pick you up when you tripped over your own feet. Tell me, what's it like to be unscathed? Today I told her I feel damaged but I'm in no hurry to cash in my refund. I think I'll take me with one burnt out light bulb and a scratched exterior, so long as something's keeping me running.
You better believe you own vanity and I've spent more than enough time on you, so you should know why. It's an aspect of my own sin with its own worldly spin. I saw the colors of your eyes, as hard to decipher as they were, and swore up and down that they looked at me and the world with a rosy tint. Those some colors are missing and all I see is the whites of the back of your eyes, rolled in for a view of only what you want, what you need. Enjoy the show of your interior while the outside keeps moving and your decisions bring what anyone else would see as ruin. I hope you find out what I wished on your twenty-fifth show of academics, and I'm doubting you are any more than a tool at this point. Would it be out of line, too audacious to say even your second place weakness is another deadly sin? You always did have a thing for killing two birds with one stone, so kill your guilty pleasures alongside remnants of what is good inside everything I once saw as positive. I see lust on your skin and sense it on your mind. You might lose yourself completely when it comes to giving in to its tantalization. Beautiful months spent with beautiful lies and another blurred line somewhere in between. When did every transition in my life become indistinct? You witnessed too many firsts to walk out, but I intend to let you do it anyway. Your poison always will be what makes you feel good.
You're better than falling to envy but I watch you live it anyway. Maybe it's not so much you envy all else as much as you discount everything you already contain. Page after page is marred by a dark edge I can never achieve, and your words to me say otherwise, but I'm in no place to point out a contradiction. I hope you see yourself as beautiful. What is life if not best lived? Are you spending yours in secondhand stores and cow pastures as an aimless walk, or do you have a purpose? Someone's full of questions today; I'll debunk my sin if only for a second and point the finger at myself. Curiosity is running rampant but it's better than anywhere else my mind has been in the past 384 hours, save 4 or 5 where nothing mattered but the sunshine and my depiction of it. Today was a beautiful day. I saw your face in the sunshine and heard your laugh when the CD skipped. You are pure in its most honest form.
Greed is marking your actions when it comes to everything you've left behind, and I can't say I'm not a victim. I miss the way you paused every time you said that one word, and the laugh everyone made fun of. You don't know what you're doing, or who you're doing it to. All for one who is more forgetful than most and the object of a memory I'd normally give you a hard time about. Teenage love is so deceptive and unkind when you're not the one in it. I can say I've missed you more than I do now, and it's a missing you I can deal with as not the least of my worries, but far from the most prominent. All I can reinforce is that I light up when I'm given five minutes of your time. They say you'll effect the way I go about my life. I want so much to laugh at them, but I don't because it's true. I'm healthy and happy in ways people would smile over a newborn for, but the thousand times I've told you not to be a stranger are on repeat and applicable. Send a smile my way, and I'll be alright until the next makes an appearance.
I'd love to pinpoint a sloth and gluttony, but this is America, and anymore everyone has a few extra pounds and a love for something with a calorie count higher than the measure of the nation's tallest mountain. Entertainment industries aim at couches, and we pick out fancy ones from magazines just to glue our tails to them for five years. By then they're worn, and we need Ikea's new line to dictate its replacement. We're all guilty; some more than others. Naturally, we all partake in every deadly sin and none will go untouched in your lifetime. I can count occurances for each in my own life today alone. What a broken child. Aren't you too?
Of course, that's just my token sin talking. Pride. My urge to never be alone in anything, but to never be completely vulnerable in the place causing said vulnerability. I'm holding on to pretty pictures from so many sources so I feel like I still have the haze of memories that used to have me in a trance. I don't let go easy. Not many people do, but there I go again. Everything is harder than it should be when it comes down to it, yet everything is dramatically easier. When did I become the professional at covering the emotional spectrum? I took a lower dosage today and thank god I can feel its side effects already. More than anything I can see my poison in everyone that I am too afraid to tell that I love them. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. To many people, so many different kinds of love, and for so many reasons. I do my best to get caught, but I'm still always coming down from the night before I left you, no matter who you are. I worry about being easy to leave and easier to forget.
But real friends are in awe of everything the other contains, never understanding why the other would find such a similar awe in everything you, a broken, imprefect soul in your eyes, contain. It's supposed to be this way. Respect forges deeper bonds than kind hearts alone. So the devil on my shoulder tells myself I'm not only forgettable, but also not worthy of respect. The angel reminds me of the respect I've already worked so hard to earn. And what can be said of those who have mine? New friends and unintentional trouble that I'm too proud to admit I enjoyed embody my inability to realize yet another fine line between where my deadly sin is wearing me down and where I've begun to overcome it. Who knew my sin and its remedy wore so many faces? I think this is me comnig around. I hurt everyday, but I smile because of it. This is the feeling of knowing what is over and what will see tomorrow. I need to hurt to face the truth. I need to hope to keep enjoying every blessing. How many times today will a smile, a joke, a streetlight, some strangers, a vacant house, or anything unimmune to my spell make me crack a smile, or even a laugh? Today was a good day.
Some days all I need to do is watch the sky. This is knowing I'll be okay.
We'll never know because pride is our favorite of the seven deadly. Oops, looks like I just sold out my own, at least. I can't speak for you and you and you, but I've fallen victim to pride since I can remember thoughts racing on paper. I don't know about you, but I don't have the time for the vanity aspect of pride, the stomach for gluttony, the jealous thoughts for envy, the temper for wrath, the drive for lust, the sleuth for greed, or the lack of motivation for sloth. Dabble in each but leave none your vice. We all get wrapped up and stuck here and there now and then. My deadly sin is pride. What's yours?
To you, I allot wrath. You're irraticate and irrational; I've always been scared of you even though I love you. If you think you're slow to anger, you're living in the fast lane, and I'm the grandpa you've been stuck behind for fifty miles on a back country double yellow. What is a limit of friendship, anyway? I never understood the concept of unforgivable sin. It's written that only blasphemy falls in the category, but hearing your speeches promises me that I am guttural and defiled should I fall in step with the wrong sin. it's risky business, and the thin line blurred when I fell and fell hard. Hands don't pick you up when you tripped over your own feet. Tell me, what's it like to be unscathed? Today I told her I feel damaged but I'm in no hurry to cash in my refund. I think I'll take me with one burnt out light bulb and a scratched exterior, so long as something's keeping me running.
You better believe you own vanity and I've spent more than enough time on you, so you should know why. It's an aspect of my own sin with its own worldly spin. I saw the colors of your eyes, as hard to decipher as they were, and swore up and down that they looked at me and the world with a rosy tint. Those some colors are missing and all I see is the whites of the back of your eyes, rolled in for a view of only what you want, what you need. Enjoy the show of your interior while the outside keeps moving and your decisions bring what anyone else would see as ruin. I hope you find out what I wished on your twenty-fifth show of academics, and I'm doubting you are any more than a tool at this point. Would it be out of line, too audacious to say even your second place weakness is another deadly sin? You always did have a thing for killing two birds with one stone, so kill your guilty pleasures alongside remnants of what is good inside everything I once saw as positive. I see lust on your skin and sense it on your mind. You might lose yourself completely when it comes to giving in to its tantalization. Beautiful months spent with beautiful lies and another blurred line somewhere in between. When did every transition in my life become indistinct? You witnessed too many firsts to walk out, but I intend to let you do it anyway. Your poison always will be what makes you feel good.
You're better than falling to envy but I watch you live it anyway. Maybe it's not so much you envy all else as much as you discount everything you already contain. Page after page is marred by a dark edge I can never achieve, and your words to me say otherwise, but I'm in no place to point out a contradiction. I hope you see yourself as beautiful. What is life if not best lived? Are you spending yours in secondhand stores and cow pastures as an aimless walk, or do you have a purpose? Someone's full of questions today; I'll debunk my sin if only for a second and point the finger at myself. Curiosity is running rampant but it's better than anywhere else my mind has been in the past 384 hours, save 4 or 5 where nothing mattered but the sunshine and my depiction of it. Today was a beautiful day. I saw your face in the sunshine and heard your laugh when the CD skipped. You are pure in its most honest form.
Greed is marking your actions when it comes to everything you've left behind, and I can't say I'm not a victim. I miss the way you paused every time you said that one word, and the laugh everyone made fun of. You don't know what you're doing, or who you're doing it to. All for one who is more forgetful than most and the object of a memory I'd normally give you a hard time about. Teenage love is so deceptive and unkind when you're not the one in it. I can say I've missed you more than I do now, and it's a missing you I can deal with as not the least of my worries, but far from the most prominent. All I can reinforce is that I light up when I'm given five minutes of your time. They say you'll effect the way I go about my life. I want so much to laugh at them, but I don't because it's true. I'm healthy and happy in ways people would smile over a newborn for, but the thousand times I've told you not to be a stranger are on repeat and applicable. Send a smile my way, and I'll be alright until the next makes an appearance.
I'd love to pinpoint a sloth and gluttony, but this is America, and anymore everyone has a few extra pounds and a love for something with a calorie count higher than the measure of the nation's tallest mountain. Entertainment industries aim at couches, and we pick out fancy ones from magazines just to glue our tails to them for five years. By then they're worn, and we need Ikea's new line to dictate its replacement. We're all guilty; some more than others. Naturally, we all partake in every deadly sin and none will go untouched in your lifetime. I can count occurances for each in my own life today alone. What a broken child. Aren't you too?
Of course, that's just my token sin talking. Pride. My urge to never be alone in anything, but to never be completely vulnerable in the place causing said vulnerability. I'm holding on to pretty pictures from so many sources so I feel like I still have the haze of memories that used to have me in a trance. I don't let go easy. Not many people do, but there I go again. Everything is harder than it should be when it comes down to it, yet everything is dramatically easier. When did I become the professional at covering the emotional spectrum? I took a lower dosage today and thank god I can feel its side effects already. More than anything I can see my poison in everyone that I am too afraid to tell that I love them. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. To many people, so many different kinds of love, and for so many reasons. I do my best to get caught, but I'm still always coming down from the night before I left you, no matter who you are. I worry about being easy to leave and easier to forget.
But real friends are in awe of everything the other contains, never understanding why the other would find such a similar awe in everything you, a broken, imprefect soul in your eyes, contain. It's supposed to be this way. Respect forges deeper bonds than kind hearts alone. So the devil on my shoulder tells myself I'm not only forgettable, but also not worthy of respect. The angel reminds me of the respect I've already worked so hard to earn. And what can be said of those who have mine? New friends and unintentional trouble that I'm too proud to admit I enjoyed embody my inability to realize yet another fine line between where my deadly sin is wearing me down and where I've begun to overcome it. Who knew my sin and its remedy wore so many faces? I think this is me comnig around. I hurt everyday, but I smile because of it. This is the feeling of knowing what is over and what will see tomorrow. I need to hurt to face the truth. I need to hope to keep enjoying every blessing. How many times today will a smile, a joke, a streetlight, some strangers, a vacant house, or anything unimmune to my spell make me crack a smile, or even a laugh? Today was a good day.
Some days all I need to do is watch the sky. This is knowing I'll be okay.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Disconnect My Heart, My Head.
And today was a day just like any other.
I'm on the verge; I'm on the verge, unraveling with every word. I couldn't have written better words myself. Everything is fading and falling, save two threads that are holding me together. Two links to my sanity. Two lines to my life. Two bodies with my heart beating inside them. That's what I got. I can't imagine today without them. I've always been afraid of the dark, and today is the darkest I've seen in years. You don't know how badly I want to understand. I am pushed away at every available opening, and it's impossible to feel like much value rests on shoulders that are forgotten. I can't keep anything around; I can't make anyone stay. Am I the queen of fatal flaws and deadly mistakes?
I feel like everyday I'm trying to be perfect, and at the end of the day, none of my good deeds go unpunished. One slip up in an otherwise perfect performance is enough for a hand slap. Unchangeable mistakes are enough to forget me altogether. What about me is so goddamn easy to let go of? I think I've only gotten it right with my two threads. I can't describe how much better I feel when they're around. The two who never let me forget that I am good are keeping me alive. Why can I only get it right with them?
There's one in my life who cares so deeply just to meet my iron fist. I'm not sorry that I rebuked them, but I still feel terrible to take the fight out of them. This person fights because they care. Irrationally loving and the same as their opponent in attitude. Can't you see? You're just like what you fight and I want you to be careful. I have to fight alone, and I can't take advice colored with bias. Blame me blame me blame me. I know it has to hurt but I need peace of mind and your polar words don't make it any easier.
There's another, the opponent. Words can't describe how deeply hurt I am and yet it feels irrelevant. I'm holding the knife and they're bleeding on the floor. I feel framed. Why can't anyone see the holes in my heart? I'm inflicted too; I want to scream it but pity seeking isn't allowed by my pride. All I want is this to be better. But am I a bad person in your eyes? I never called you one; I don't think you are, despite it all. I am upset that my right to hurt is apparently transparent, but god knows I acknowledge yours. I want the past to stay past. Why do you dwell on your anger? Why can't you take my hand again? Here I am, willing, but my arm's getting sore from the hours I've spent holding it out. We have a lot of ironing to do, but I have the tolerance and will and love to do it; tell me you do too.
Yet another. I guess I can't say things are bad with this one, but I wouldn't call them good. A friendship is agreed on and yet I haven't heard from you since. You're always running away, and I'm always sitting in your dust. Why am I not good enough for your time? I feel like even at this level you pass me off. I never was enough to keep around, but I was a fine way to bide time. You don't know what it feels like to be insufficient. I know you're not worth my time, and everyone says I'm definitely worth yours, that you're lucky, but I'm here anyway. It's me going 75, you a solid 25. What a fool. I never was worth it, I guess.
So why is it that I always come up short? Usually I get a pat on the head and some kind words like, "You're a good person; you're nice, etc." Words on repeat lose their meaning. You can only be told so many times that people are lucky to have you around before you feel like you really aren't a good luck charm at all. People let go of me all the time like I never meant anything. How do they drop memories like that? I must be lacking something because it's never that easy for me. I'm tired of being left behind and dropped by people I trusted enough to give my all. It's never enough, but it's all I have. Will it ever be sufficient?
Fuck being a nice girl, a good person, kind, and loving. I'm proud of it, but it's never nice, good, kind, or loving enough. Everyone else just gets angry and drops the sunshine. My rays aren't bright enough, and I must not be very good at making other people beautiful. It's never worth the risk to keep me around; it's never worth whatever it is keeping someone from jumping to dive with me. I guess in the end I'm just nothing special. I'm not worth fighting to keep, and I'm not worth taking risks. It's cool, at least I know that now.
I have my two that always mean every word they say. My two angels are always there to say and mean what everyone else uses as their kiss off. I would have no faith at all if they weren't around. They're keeping the sun shining in me, and because of them, the hope hasn't gone out in me. I'm always holding out hope for people to come around. It puts me in a position where I can always be let down but then again, "you're also always being surprised, and that's so worth it."
Cause all I taste is blood between my teeth. As I'm find the words, you're getting away...
I'm on the verge; I'm on the verge, unraveling with every word. I couldn't have written better words myself. Everything is fading and falling, save two threads that are holding me together. Two links to my sanity. Two lines to my life. Two bodies with my heart beating inside them. That's what I got. I can't imagine today without them. I've always been afraid of the dark, and today is the darkest I've seen in years. You don't know how badly I want to understand. I am pushed away at every available opening, and it's impossible to feel like much value rests on shoulders that are forgotten. I can't keep anything around; I can't make anyone stay. Am I the queen of fatal flaws and deadly mistakes?
I feel like everyday I'm trying to be perfect, and at the end of the day, none of my good deeds go unpunished. One slip up in an otherwise perfect performance is enough for a hand slap. Unchangeable mistakes are enough to forget me altogether. What about me is so goddamn easy to let go of? I think I've only gotten it right with my two threads. I can't describe how much better I feel when they're around. The two who never let me forget that I am good are keeping me alive. Why can I only get it right with them?
There's one in my life who cares so deeply just to meet my iron fist. I'm not sorry that I rebuked them, but I still feel terrible to take the fight out of them. This person fights because they care. Irrationally loving and the same as their opponent in attitude. Can't you see? You're just like what you fight and I want you to be careful. I have to fight alone, and I can't take advice colored with bias. Blame me blame me blame me. I know it has to hurt but I need peace of mind and your polar words don't make it any easier.
There's another, the opponent. Words can't describe how deeply hurt I am and yet it feels irrelevant. I'm holding the knife and they're bleeding on the floor. I feel framed. Why can't anyone see the holes in my heart? I'm inflicted too; I want to scream it but pity seeking isn't allowed by my pride. All I want is this to be better. But am I a bad person in your eyes? I never called you one; I don't think you are, despite it all. I am upset that my right to hurt is apparently transparent, but god knows I acknowledge yours. I want the past to stay past. Why do you dwell on your anger? Why can't you take my hand again? Here I am, willing, but my arm's getting sore from the hours I've spent holding it out. We have a lot of ironing to do, but I have the tolerance and will and love to do it; tell me you do too.
Yet another. I guess I can't say things are bad with this one, but I wouldn't call them good. A friendship is agreed on and yet I haven't heard from you since. You're always running away, and I'm always sitting in your dust. Why am I not good enough for your time? I feel like even at this level you pass me off. I never was enough to keep around, but I was a fine way to bide time. You don't know what it feels like to be insufficient. I know you're not worth my time, and everyone says I'm definitely worth yours, that you're lucky, but I'm here anyway. It's me going 75, you a solid 25. What a fool. I never was worth it, I guess.
So why is it that I always come up short? Usually I get a pat on the head and some kind words like, "You're a good person; you're nice, etc." Words on repeat lose their meaning. You can only be told so many times that people are lucky to have you around before you feel like you really aren't a good luck charm at all. People let go of me all the time like I never meant anything. How do they drop memories like that? I must be lacking something because it's never that easy for me. I'm tired of being left behind and dropped by people I trusted enough to give my all. It's never enough, but it's all I have. Will it ever be sufficient?
Fuck being a nice girl, a good person, kind, and loving. I'm proud of it, but it's never nice, good, kind, or loving enough. Everyone else just gets angry and drops the sunshine. My rays aren't bright enough, and I must not be very good at making other people beautiful. It's never worth the risk to keep me around; it's never worth whatever it is keeping someone from jumping to dive with me. I guess in the end I'm just nothing special. I'm not worth fighting to keep, and I'm not worth taking risks. It's cool, at least I know that now.
I have my two that always mean every word they say. My two angels are always there to say and mean what everyone else uses as their kiss off. I would have no faith at all if they weren't around. They're keeping the sun shining in me, and because of them, the hope hasn't gone out in me. I'm always holding out hope for people to come around. It puts me in a position where I can always be let down but then again, "you're also always being surprised, and that's so worth it."
Cause all I taste is blood between my teeth. As I'm find the words, you're getting away...
Monday, March 16, 2009
So Contagiously. 3/10/09
Here's another cell phone draft that I figured I should get down. Maybe the old posts aren't totally dead after all. :- P
It's time like now when I'm laying in your arms that I feel everything you could be. We're always running in circles until we fall, lying intertwined, the ultimate goal. I can't tell what we're fighting but whatever it is, we're not very strong. How many times will we fall? Once is all it takes but we insist on overachieving. What typical slackers. I can live without you until your hand rests gently on my stomach, gently brushing my own. A giggle leads to laughter so easily begun and tunes out any difficulties we could've otherwise conjured.
Light kisses on my cheeks and a tender touch to my forehead surprises my senses in a way I put past you. The opposing wandering and heat is exactly what I expected and nothing my body will let me fight. Maybe I'm using you to feel both cared for and fulfilled in moments like this. Maybe I'm just telling myself that (and failing; I know I couldn't use you). Even so, I think I'll take it. I feel so good right here, for at least these few minutes we forget about our walls. Maybe there's a reason we haven't moved an inch since the first day. But no matter where the story ends, I think I'll be okay as long as you're around in some way. I'm slipping in between you and your big dreams. It was always you in my big dreams.
You're the only one breaking me down like this.
It's time like now when I'm laying in your arms that I feel everything you could be. We're always running in circles until we fall, lying intertwined, the ultimate goal. I can't tell what we're fighting but whatever it is, we're not very strong. How many times will we fall? Once is all it takes but we insist on overachieving. What typical slackers. I can live without you until your hand rests gently on my stomach, gently brushing my own. A giggle leads to laughter so easily begun and tunes out any difficulties we could've otherwise conjured.
Light kisses on my cheeks and a tender touch to my forehead surprises my senses in a way I put past you. The opposing wandering and heat is exactly what I expected and nothing my body will let me fight. Maybe I'm using you to feel both cared for and fulfilled in moments like this. Maybe I'm just telling myself that (and failing; I know I couldn't use you). Even so, I think I'll take it. I feel so good right here, for at least these few minutes we forget about our walls. Maybe there's a reason we haven't moved an inch since the first day. But no matter where the story ends, I think I'll be okay as long as you're around in some way. I'm slipping in between you and your big dreams. It was always you in my big dreams.
You're the only one breaking me down like this.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Before the Sun Sets.
I am an emotional wreck in the best way possible. I'm overcome by thousands of realizations, most of them positive, and I'm overwhelmed in seeking them, but excited at the same time. It's a mixed bag that has my eyes leaking with a smile on my face. Reach out to you, turn away from you. This has been a bittersweet two hours in contemplation of the past 154 days on one hand. On the other, we are six days from a milestone and an unknown amount of days from a breakthrough. But that's okay.
Time shouldn't be underestimated; it is valuable in solving some of life's most difficult periods. We're all restless and we're all impatient, and as a result, we forget to let time tick by and rush into things. I did that at least three times with you; I started out that way with you, but I never regretted it. I swallowed my impatience today when the sun was shining just a little too brightly to ignore. Those shoes were shelved and collecting dust, so I shook it and tested my stamina once again. I ran like I never stopped. Sure, I walked in between bursts of energy, but I enjoyed every ray I felt along the lengths of my arms and legs so long kept from being exposed. A tank top saw the sunlight today. All the while my lungs never felt like exploding; I didn't want to stop.
Red signs were my goal lines, but I often surpassed them. I'm in the mood to not just simply achieve goals today; I'm crushing them. I reread a day old epiphany and felt its current. Ah, it hasn't run dry and I'm energized. Endorphins and potential have me both eager for the future, but patient to let time unfold it in front of me. I woke up brand new in a room full of kids I know now that I will never forget. I missed nights like last. Just so you know, I love you all. I can feel myself acting on vows to become a better person. I feel right. My decisions feel right, nearly across the board.
My spunk is reenergized and refusing to be shelved, so I grabbed it and ran with it just like I did with those shoes. You have no idea what kind of rush comes with the feeling of knowing that this time, I mean it. I tried once before to close the book and failed. This time, my end is neatly tied. So take it in your hand and follow my lead or do something drastic, the only way my hands will even flinch toward that knot again. This time I'm strong, and it's a me you're not used to. I remember stamping irresistable across your chest. I remember all the more clearly erasing it.
Pictures are reminders of the best times of my life and who was contained within them. I refuse to make a stranger from a friend. It's okay; I swallowed my pride. It's overrated anyway, and I'm sure it's labeled deadly for a very valid reason. Today, I believe in myself, in my decisions, in the impact people have had on me. I'm not down and out. I found my stride in more than just hilly neighborhood sidewalks.
And I'm running with it, unstoppable.
Time shouldn't be underestimated; it is valuable in solving some of life's most difficult periods. We're all restless and we're all impatient, and as a result, we forget to let time tick by and rush into things. I did that at least three times with you; I started out that way with you, but I never regretted it. I swallowed my impatience today when the sun was shining just a little too brightly to ignore. Those shoes were shelved and collecting dust, so I shook it and tested my stamina once again. I ran like I never stopped. Sure, I walked in between bursts of energy, but I enjoyed every ray I felt along the lengths of my arms and legs so long kept from being exposed. A tank top saw the sunlight today. All the while my lungs never felt like exploding; I didn't want to stop.
Red signs were my goal lines, but I often surpassed them. I'm in the mood to not just simply achieve goals today; I'm crushing them. I reread a day old epiphany and felt its current. Ah, it hasn't run dry and I'm energized. Endorphins and potential have me both eager for the future, but patient to let time unfold it in front of me. I woke up brand new in a room full of kids I know now that I will never forget. I missed nights like last. Just so you know, I love you all. I can feel myself acting on vows to become a better person. I feel right. My decisions feel right, nearly across the board.
My spunk is reenergized and refusing to be shelved, so I grabbed it and ran with it just like I did with those shoes. You have no idea what kind of rush comes with the feeling of knowing that this time, I mean it. I tried once before to close the book and failed. This time, my end is neatly tied. So take it in your hand and follow my lead or do something drastic, the only way my hands will even flinch toward that knot again. This time I'm strong, and it's a me you're not used to. I remember stamping irresistable across your chest. I remember all the more clearly erasing it.
Pictures are reminders of the best times of my life and who was contained within them. I refuse to make a stranger from a friend. It's okay; I swallowed my pride. It's overrated anyway, and I'm sure it's labeled deadly for a very valid reason. Today, I believe in myself, in my decisions, in the impact people have had on me. I'm not down and out. I found my stride in more than just hilly neighborhood sidewalks.
And I'm running with it, unstoppable.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Made It Clear.
I give up. It's never felt so good to utter such a usually negative sentence. I usually fight helplessness with every bone in my body; I'm always anxious to find a way to self-heal. It's a self defense mechanism, really, and one that's seen me through coming out on top and total depair. But this time, this sensation feels new. I'm not freaking out, seeking some way to fix things or better them. I'm just letting everything fade. Taking in this new sense of what I need and where I'm continually not finding it is refreshing in the most interesting of ways. I don't know why it took a hazy mind and close quarters to finally say what I feel, but I'm not complaining.
Maybe isn't a good enough answer. Prove it, but you won't. I'm sick of settling. I'm willing to bet you've never stepped up in your life, and people have come to expect it of you. Smart plan, that way people will never be let down by you, knowing you're strictly face value, sentiment as deep as your skin. Did you ever think about the possibility of me walking away? I don't think so. A touchy conversation has you fumbling for my hand. You said it was my doing, but your pride is talking louder than your resonating speaking voice. Guess where I ended up anyway. Morning crept around, and I was exactly where I'd laughed with him about being. You ran away down dark side roads and I can't say I missed you.
One off-limits encounter led me face-to-face with everything I needed to end. I'm done being notorious for playing your fool. Embarassment doesn't suit me, at least the red face it carries, or so I'm told. One-way serious conversation isn't a strength of mine either. I can't carry you, and I won't try to anymore. The weight already marked my hand; I'm not anxious to be enveloped wholly. What a difference a week can make. From pining and crying to back turned to the wind. I don't need games, and I've never been any good at playing them. So go ahead and decide for yourself what's important in your life. Turn your maybes into yesses and nos. Be accountable for something and prove to someone that you're not as unreliable as you seem.
Oh I know, I've said similar things in writings past, but the difference is this: this time I'm not expecting anything from you. I don't think you have it in you to come around, so I stopped expecting you to. I told you that I think you care more than you let on. Your face told me I was right. Are you only honest when clouded? Or are sweet little lies your trademark? I won't answer for you, and big boys have no problem filling in the bubbles. Ohh, good time boy, you'll always be a great friend to me, but I'm thinking that's all I need to invest in you now. I'm looking for a straight answer, for strength is the things we'd rather not talk about, but have to (though you try your damndest to avoid them, right?). So ready, set, letting go.
This is me falling away because I have nothing left to give, and you never seemed eager to accept, anyways. Like so many times before, the challenge is yours. You'll ignore it like always and I'm willing to bet you're more likely to just let the ten chances we took fade away. Better to avoid such subjects, right? I don't think so, but you do. It's alright; I expect as much from you. I expect the let down, baby, and I'm not fooled by it anymore. I hope one day you drop your maybe mindset and shake hands with yes and no.
You heard my challenge, if you remember it. Prove it. But I'm not expecting a damn thing from you.
Maybe isn't a good enough answer. Prove it, but you won't. I'm sick of settling. I'm willing to bet you've never stepped up in your life, and people have come to expect it of you. Smart plan, that way people will never be let down by you, knowing you're strictly face value, sentiment as deep as your skin. Did you ever think about the possibility of me walking away? I don't think so. A touchy conversation has you fumbling for my hand. You said it was my doing, but your pride is talking louder than your resonating speaking voice. Guess where I ended up anyway. Morning crept around, and I was exactly where I'd laughed with him about being. You ran away down dark side roads and I can't say I missed you.
One off-limits encounter led me face-to-face with everything I needed to end. I'm done being notorious for playing your fool. Embarassment doesn't suit me, at least the red face it carries, or so I'm told. One-way serious conversation isn't a strength of mine either. I can't carry you, and I won't try to anymore. The weight already marked my hand; I'm not anxious to be enveloped wholly. What a difference a week can make. From pining and crying to back turned to the wind. I don't need games, and I've never been any good at playing them. So go ahead and decide for yourself what's important in your life. Turn your maybes into yesses and nos. Be accountable for something and prove to someone that you're not as unreliable as you seem.
Oh I know, I've said similar things in writings past, but the difference is this: this time I'm not expecting anything from you. I don't think you have it in you to come around, so I stopped expecting you to. I told you that I think you care more than you let on. Your face told me I was right. Are you only honest when clouded? Or are sweet little lies your trademark? I won't answer for you, and big boys have no problem filling in the bubbles. Ohh, good time boy, you'll always be a great friend to me, but I'm thinking that's all I need to invest in you now. I'm looking for a straight answer, for strength is the things we'd rather not talk about, but have to (though you try your damndest to avoid them, right?). So ready, set, letting go.
This is me falling away because I have nothing left to give, and you never seemed eager to accept, anyways. Like so many times before, the challenge is yours. You'll ignore it like always and I'm willing to bet you're more likely to just let the ten chances we took fade away. Better to avoid such subjects, right? I don't think so, but you do. It's alright; I expect as much from you. I expect the let down, baby, and I'm not fooled by it anymore. I hope one day you drop your maybe mindset and shake hands with yes and no.
You heard my challenge, if you remember it. Prove it. But I'm not expecting a damn thing from you.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Top CDs. (finished 2/26)
My Top 20 Influential CDs and Artists:
1. Santi, Fast Times At Barrington High, and Almost Here by The Academy Is...
2. While The City Sleeps, We Rule the Streets and Viva La Cobra! by Cobra Starship
3. So Wrong, It's Right by All Time Low
4. The Glass Passenger and Everything In Transit by Jack's Mannequin
5. Deja Entendu, You Favorite Weapon, and The Devil and God Are Raging Inside Me by Brand New
6. Pretty. Odd. By Panic At The Disco
7. Underdog Alma Mater by Forever The Sickest Kids
8. Can’t Stop Won’t Stop by The Maine
9. Rotation by Cute Is What We Aim For
10. Leaving Through The Window and North by Something Corporate
11. Whisper War by The Cab
12. Take This To Your Grave and Infinity On High by Fall Out Boy
13. A Different Light by Sherwood
14. Forget What You Know by Midtown
15. Dusk and Summer by Dashboard Confessional
16. Like Vines by The Hush Sound
17. Slip Into Something More Comfortable by Asteria
18. Chroma by Cartel
19. Louder Now by Taking Back Sunday
20. Prepare The Masses by A Change Of Pace
Naturally some CDs by the same artist fell on the same line because I love them all, and they've all been influential (such is the case with TAI, Cobra, Brand New, Jack's, etc.) I couldn't leave the others out, so they got to share lines :- )
This is the last of the old blogs, so back to only new posts after this. Hope you've enjoyed the oldiesss!
1. Santi, Fast Times At Barrington High, and Almost Here by The Academy Is...
2. While The City Sleeps, We Rule the Streets and Viva La Cobra! by Cobra Starship
3. So Wrong, It's Right by All Time Low
4. The Glass Passenger and Everything In Transit by Jack's Mannequin
5. Deja Entendu, You Favorite Weapon, and The Devil and God Are Raging Inside Me by Brand New
6. Pretty. Odd. By Panic At The Disco
7. Underdog Alma Mater by Forever The Sickest Kids
8. Can’t Stop Won’t Stop by The Maine
9. Rotation by Cute Is What We Aim For
10. Leaving Through The Window and North by Something Corporate
11. Whisper War by The Cab
12. Take This To Your Grave and Infinity On High by Fall Out Boy
13. A Different Light by Sherwood
14. Forget What You Know by Midtown
15. Dusk and Summer by Dashboard Confessional
16. Like Vines by The Hush Sound
17. Slip Into Something More Comfortable by Asteria
18. Chroma by Cartel
19. Louder Now by Taking Back Sunday
20. Prepare The Masses by A Change Of Pace
Naturally some CDs by the same artist fell on the same line because I love them all, and they've all been influential (such is the case with TAI, Cobra, Brand New, Jack's, etc.) I couldn't leave the others out, so they got to share lines :- )
This is the last of the old blogs, so back to only new posts after this. Hope you've enjoyed the oldiesss!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Leap of Faith. 9/2/08 (finished 2/25)
I can’t breathe
Expecting your call any minute
So much to say
Will I push you past your limit?
More than ever I’m scared to think
Scared of everything this moment brings
Mind refuses to picture life without you
Because it can’t happen, I need you
I see that more than ever; it’s about you
I have hope, here and now,
I’ll never mislead you
Know I'll never leave you
I feel your heart fading
Am I still on your mind?
Are you thinking you don’t matter to me?
Crazy talk, baby, my heart is everywhere you’ll be.
Food doesn’t make much sense
When your stomach’s always churning
You did it for the experience,
So what’d you end up learning?
There’s gotta be something
More than the fire in your eyes
Thrill me, baby; shock me
Just take me by surprise
Because I never would have pictured you turning up
Here, in front of me
For all foreign eyes to see
Comfort zones shattered
Do you have faith enough to believe?
So come with me
Try to leap
The jump’s no fun if the cliff isn’t steep
Expecting your call any minute
So much to say
Will I push you past your limit?
More than ever I’m scared to think
Scared of everything this moment brings
Mind refuses to picture life without you
Because it can’t happen, I need you
I see that more than ever; it’s about you
I have hope, here and now,
I’ll never mislead you
Know I'll never leave you
I feel your heart fading
Am I still on your mind?
Are you thinking you don’t matter to me?
Crazy talk, baby, my heart is everywhere you’ll be.
Food doesn’t make much sense
When your stomach’s always churning
You did it for the experience,
So what’d you end up learning?
There’s gotta be something
More than the fire in your eyes
Thrill me, baby; shock me
Just take me by surprise
Because I never would have pictured you turning up
Here, in front of me
For all foreign eyes to see
Comfort zones shattered
Do you have faith enough to believe?
So come with me
Try to leap
The jump’s no fun if the cliff isn’t steep
People Worth Respecting.
I was overwhelmed by respect today as I sat in class, zoning out and ready for a nap. We got a couple papers back, and I smiled when I read the feedback at the top of the paper. Any teacher who will write "I learned from you!" on one of their students' papers is someone I can respect the hell out of. Yesterday I found the strangest dose of solace in conversation over the same paper that made my day today. This teacher has humility enough to sit side-by-side with his students and not only converse the course of study with them, but also, he lets their thoughts and input permeate his own. He's not too proud to learn new things everyday from those that are learning from him.
I guess you could say my these past few days have refreshed my hope and respect in the people I'm learning from, in the smiling man full of understanding that I see bright and early as well as the one I spend an hour with as the school day is approaching a close. I have the utmost, complete and total respect for these two teachers especially, who have never stopped learning. This is what a teacher should be. I see it reflected in the eyes of my mother when she talks to me about her day and her students. I see its prominence in the minds of my midday break five days a week.
I see its void in the mass of a teacher no one can miss, who lives to point the finger and refuses to be wrong. The antithesis of a teacher and yet, this woman calls herself one. Dress code holds more importance than the tears on the same body's face. A whisper is more than enough to interrupt a prayer over. Take some pointers from those men two and three rooms over, honey. Don't be too certain to read between the lines in a new way. I sat with that man at a round table and talked about two entirely different aspects of one sentence, and somehow we managed to weave them into one truth. I'm learning not only by listening, but by teaching as well.
This is what learning is supposed to be. I'm forming my own thoughts and guided by a leader, but never limited. I don't miss the subject I've always called my favorite as it was taught last year. I don't regret not taking that analysis, but I know I'll shine on it this year. Thank God for the two examples that grace my daily schedule 180 days a year. Because of them, I found out my strength (in fact, if you're here, you're a witness) and stayed rooted when shaking. I said of him that I owed him my dreams. I said of him that I owed him the presence of faith. I hold it as truth to this day.
Sometimes monotony is broken by realization.
I guess you could say my these past few days have refreshed my hope and respect in the people I'm learning from, in the smiling man full of understanding that I see bright and early as well as the one I spend an hour with as the school day is approaching a close. I have the utmost, complete and total respect for these two teachers especially, who have never stopped learning. This is what a teacher should be. I see it reflected in the eyes of my mother when she talks to me about her day and her students. I see its prominence in the minds of my midday break five days a week.
I see its void in the mass of a teacher no one can miss, who lives to point the finger and refuses to be wrong. The antithesis of a teacher and yet, this woman calls herself one. Dress code holds more importance than the tears on the same body's face. A whisper is more than enough to interrupt a prayer over. Take some pointers from those men two and three rooms over, honey. Don't be too certain to read between the lines in a new way. I sat with that man at a round table and talked about two entirely different aspects of one sentence, and somehow we managed to weave them into one truth. I'm learning not only by listening, but by teaching as well.
This is what learning is supposed to be. I'm forming my own thoughts and guided by a leader, but never limited. I don't miss the subject I've always called my favorite as it was taught last year. I don't regret not taking that analysis, but I know I'll shine on it this year. Thank God for the two examples that grace my daily schedule 180 days a year. Because of them, I found out my strength (in fact, if you're here, you're a witness) and stayed rooted when shaking. I said of him that I owed him my dreams. I said of him that I owed him the presence of faith. I hold it as truth to this day.
Sometimes monotony is broken by realization.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Still. 11/16/08
I once wrote about you that you were every cliché. What I didn’t realize them is that you would still be now. Oh I had hopes that you would never fade away, always whispering the longed for words in my too ready ear. Oh I met the opposite. Clichés of love turned into what look like brokenhearted ramblings. I’ve spent pages on you. I should’ve just let you break my heart. Instead I showed grace. I can’t escape kindness and it is my personal cell. All I wanted to do was hang you. I wanted to bring myself to tell you exactly what you did to me and how it made me feel- I wanted to make you hurt. I plotted ways and wrote the words. But by the time I formulated thoughts, too much passage of time had seen us and I was too embarrassed to admit I was still thinking about it.
But here I am, two months after the fact, writing about you again like I always, periodically do. Why do I get the feeling this isn’t the last time? As soon as I date my next entry I’ll think of this and laugh, or cry. I’m not on your mind. The words you’ve spent on me fit on a page and I’ve read them. I bet they don’t go past that, past that ending date. You don’t write about me anymore, I’m gone. The sentence I’ve been telling myself, I’ve finally said. I don’t mean as much to you as you mean to me. I’m fucked up over you like you are over her, and why the fuck shouldn’t I get my damn chance? Yes, I’m angry. She ruined everything we had and the person I loved. I hate her. I wish I hated her for any reason other than you. I want to hate you so bad, but instead I play best friend and throw myself at your screens in any effort to make you better. I want my hand on you so you don’t lose everything you were.
I want to save you. I can’t save you. You don’t want me to save you. You didn’t love me like I loved you. That fucking hurts. And you can’t help that. But I AM HURT. Still. This is me, unashamed, naked on top on Times Square, screaming at you every word I’ve always wanted to say. My chance was cut to shreds. It’s your fault. I did nothing wrong but love the shit out of you. But you didn’t hang on my texts or blush when I sent I love yous back. It felt routine, mechanical. Fuck you for not giving me your all. Fuck you for fading away. Fuck you for hurting me over and over, everyday. Fuck you for wasting your love on someone who will never make you happy. Fuck you for not seeing that the very key to your happiness is farther away than you like. And damn me for still caring. But I always will.
Here’s to hoping you come around. Someday, you’ll realize everything I could’ve been, and I can only hope I’m not all too eager to accept it. I’ll make you work even if the only thing I want is to hop into your arms. I blast that song and think of you. But it will never be that easy. I won’t let it be. I want this out of my head, or at least I want our relationship to a point I’m okay with, more than just on the surface.
In the meantime, you’ll never see through me.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Scattered.
I was reading some of my old posts today.Makes me want to jump off a bridge sometimes.But others, it reminds me of things I wrote that still ring so true.
I wonder if you see it as deeply as I feel it.
I have a new personal blog. It feels like to have a place to write EVERYTHING I want to say. It has two posts already. I started it today.
I'm scatterbrained today, and generally nonconversational. I've noted that I am great at avoiding conversation when I want to. Which is almost never.
I've substantially talked to two people today. Casual conversation with maybe three others. I don't mind. I'm putting something off.
The sun just came out again. Naturally my mood went uphill. Isn't it strange how much rain can burn you out, and the second the sun rises, you feel ten times better?
What's more important: Saving yourself or letting me in?
I wish I wrote that song. I wish I had 97 missed calls. Isn't that the ultimate goal? I need spring flowers to pull petals. I always did like the fifty/fifty chance of childhood games.
Did you know that I've never slept for more than 13 consecutive hours? I did that today. Guess I needed it. I'm pretty sure it was only 11 before today. Breakin' records all the time.
I just noticed that each paragraph is getting longer and longer. I felt like breaking the pattern.
In a clear view, there's a silhouette, and I watch you, and I can't forget.
I wish the rain would hold off long enough for a walk. Maybe I'll go anyways. I'm feeling independent today. I'm feeling good. Maybe I won't push you away after all. Nature takes her course.
Hope it works out in my favor.
I wonder if you see it as deeply as I feel it.
I have a new personal blog. It feels like to have a place to write EVERYTHING I want to say. It has two posts already. I started it today.
I'm scatterbrained today, and generally nonconversational. I've noted that I am great at avoiding conversation when I want to. Which is almost never.
I've substantially talked to two people today. Casual conversation with maybe three others. I don't mind. I'm putting something off.
The sun just came out again. Naturally my mood went uphill. Isn't it strange how much rain can burn you out, and the second the sun rises, you feel ten times better?
What's more important: Saving yourself or letting me in?
I wish I wrote that song. I wish I had 97 missed calls. Isn't that the ultimate goal? I need spring flowers to pull petals. I always did like the fifty/fifty chance of childhood games.
Did you know that I've never slept for more than 13 consecutive hours? I did that today. Guess I needed it. I'm pretty sure it was only 11 before today. Breakin' records all the time.
I just noticed that each paragraph is getting longer and longer. I felt like breaking the pattern.
In a clear view, there's a silhouette, and I watch you, and I can't forget.
I wish the rain would hold off long enough for a walk. Maybe I'll go anyways. I'm feeling independent today. I'm feeling good. Maybe I won't push you away after all. Nature takes her course.
Hope it works out in my favor.
Play My Song. 6/08
Making me smile, baby
You’ve got it down to a fine art
It’s safe to say by now
You own my heart
And every piece needs you
It kills me that I can’t see you
But hearing you say my name’s enough
To get me by, every night
It’s the goodbyes
That we can never seem to say
And your voice out of the blue
Just to ask about my day
When we watch TV together
And all the space between melts away
And the beat of my heart that over a thousand miles
Only you can play
Hearing you laugh, love
I can’t imagine living without
Your smiles in pictures
Remind me what my own are all about
By now my heart needs you
You're on my screen and I can feel you
You say my name; it's enough
I'm on cloud nine
It’s the goodbyes
That we can never seem to say
The red rising in my cheeks
and only you know the way
When we're up, late night on rooftops
And the stars melt the space away
And the beat of my heart that over a thousand miles
Only you can play
The day's not far
I see it now
You'll be mine
I can hardly stay still
I'm restless and waiting
for you
Baby I'm all yours
You’ve got it down to a fine art
It’s safe to say by now
You own my heart
And every piece needs you
It kills me that I can’t see you
But hearing you say my name’s enough
To get me by, every night
It’s the goodbyes
That we can never seem to say
And your voice out of the blue
Just to ask about my day
When we watch TV together
And all the space between melts away
And the beat of my heart that over a thousand miles
Only you can play
Hearing you laugh, love
I can’t imagine living without
Your smiles in pictures
Remind me what my own are all about
By now my heart needs you
You're on my screen and I can feel you
You say my name; it's enough
I'm on cloud nine
It’s the goodbyes
That we can never seem to say
The red rising in my cheeks
and only you know the way
When we're up, late night on rooftops
And the stars melt the space away
And the beat of my heart that over a thousand miles
Only you can play
The day's not far
I see it now
You'll be mine
I can hardly stay still
I'm restless and waiting
for you
Baby I'm all yours
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Believing in Angels.
My silver lining for the day.
I realized today that there is one person in this world that I absolutely NEED. There are several that I need, but not always. There are many that I just want or like having around. But none of that will ever really matter if I have my one person around, and I know I always will. You spent your hard earned money on my emergency when my pockets ran dry, bought me my favorite food, rebuked me when I made a fool of myself but loved me and opened your door to me despite it. God sent me an angel and on days like this I can see the light glowing around you. I can never be anything but alright when I have the world's most caring, beautiful person as my other half.
Just a blurb.
Because everything else I wrote today will stay tucked away.
I realized today that there is one person in this world that I absolutely NEED. There are several that I need, but not always. There are many that I just want or like having around. But none of that will ever really matter if I have my one person around, and I know I always will. You spent your hard earned money on my emergency when my pockets ran dry, bought me my favorite food, rebuked me when I made a fool of myself but loved me and opened your door to me despite it. God sent me an angel and on days like this I can see the light glowing around you. I can never be anything but alright when I have the world's most caring, beautiful person as my other half.
Just a blurb.
Because everything else I wrote today will stay tucked away.
Feel. 9/08
I can’t stand missing you like I do right now. It’s not the missing you I’ve experienced since that fateful day of July 19, It’s a completely different brand. This missing you feels like missing something I’ve lost. Tell me, why do I feel like I lost something I still have? Something’s changed and not for the good. And I have faith it can change again, for the better. It has been KILLING me inside, feeling like I’m losing you. But lately, I’m not enough for you; in my mind, at least. Lately I feel completely inadequate, like every effort I make at conversation is futile. I NEED something from you. I need to feel like you want me. If that’s entirely vain to say, then call me vain. But I cannot stand feeling like a total fool every time I try to talk to the boy I love.
Every now and then, I get a taste of that love you have for me. But it used to burn so bright. Tell me, is it burning out or still as bright as ever under a shield I can’t see past? I hope this doesn’t hurt you, but it might. I feel like I’m giving so much more than I’m getting. I feel like I deserve more than a few generic texts and a half-asleep phone call. If you still want me, show me. Because I’m at my most vulnerable. I still need you, and I am so damn afraid you don’t need me the same way. I hope this is a wake-up call and things will go back to being great, that we’ll go back to sharing such an amazing love. I want you to be able to tell me everything. Things I may not like, even.
If there’s something that is distancing you from me lately, I know what it is. So don’t hesitate to tell me, because I already know. Just not from you, just not the whole story. Which would set my mind way more at ease than knowing as little as I do and letting my mind run wild with thoughts with potential to completely torture me. I miss the cheesiness. I miss being able to be totally mushy with you. I miss what made us unique. I miss you more than anything. Like you said just the other day, we can make it. Just let me in, please, I’m begging. This can work; don’t listen to anything that says we can’t. Forget about time. It’s not on our side. That’s never stopped us before.
Please tell me you still care enough to see this through. Please tell me you want to make me happy; I know I'd do anything to see you smile. I hope so, because I will be broken if I lose you now. With a few changes, we’ll be more than fine. I love you, I don't want this to change anytime soon. Hold on to me; everyone else lets go.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Dream In A Dream Is A Nightmare. 5/08 (finished 2/24)
The strangest sort of situation
That I can’t bring to much of anyone
They’d just say I’m fortunate
In love that’s abounding
And to enjoy it while I still can
But what they can’t see
Is it’s tearing me
It’s tearing me apart
And I don’t know where to start
Stolen so I can't trust my heart
I can't deny; I want love
But how do I see what’s true
When it comes down to if it is him or it’s you
That’s the reason for my heart’s need
But it’s not telling me
Where to go
And I’m stuck in between
A dream and a dream
Oh, but right in the middle’s a nightmare
It’s wrong I know
But letting you go would
Hurt more knowing you never got my all
I want so bad to know what to choose
But in my heart I know it’d be him over you
Any day
My heart learned to love his way
Oh, love might be a dream
But loving is a nightmare
He was the first one,
He’s the reason my heart knows how to love
I want love
But just one type
Oh, it's not with you
And not tonight
It's not fair
And I know I care too much
More than enough
but I'm sorry won't cut it
when you're playing observer
to happy-go-lucky
I'm sorry anyway
Is there nothing left to say?
I’m stuck in between
A dream and a dream
Oh, but right in the middle’s a nightmare
It’s wrong I know
But letting you go would
Hurt more knowing you never got my all
I want so bad to know what to choose
But in my heart I know it’d be him over you
Any day
My heart learned to love his way
Oh, love might be a dream
But loving is a nightmare
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Extended Metaphor. 8/08
“You are the soundtrack of my days, spinning endlessly in my mind,” you said.
Well, love, if I’m a song, you’re the composer giving it voice. My heartbeat, hardly steady, is wholly dependent on the tempo of your steady breathing. Young love fills the air in our lungs and our song with a melody, complemented by the beautiful harmony of gentle stares and brushing hands.
And your words, spoken honest with your eyes fixed on mine, create the lyrics, in tune with young love’s written melody. Our song, so carefully and effortlessly composed, couldn’t fall flat to even the most critical of ears.
No, love, I’m not a song. We are.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
I'm A Baby. 9/13/08
I really hate disliking things. I love loving things. So tell me, why exactly does every last little thing get on my nerves right now? I mean, I wanted to dropkick every customer at work. I chew out people for caring about me. I need sleep, or caffeine. I’ve been a cranky kid all day; it got so bad that I even caught ME calling myself a baby. I don't know how anyone could tolerate me; I don't know how anyone can stand being around me. Maybe it's the cover up I've worked so hard on. I’m putting up this front, and doing alright at it.
Here’s me breaking it down. I’m not strong. I’m damn good at acting like I am. I wish I was a miracle worker; I wish I was wise. Then I’d have the answers. But I don’t, and that frustrates me. I like being in the know, solving people’s problems. So why don’t I have the guts enough to seek ways to solve my own? Because I always back down, and that’s why I always end up feeling about like I do now. You think I’d learn, really. Maybe now’s the time I finally do. Probably not, but a girl can hope.
Here I was telling myself I’d grown up so much lately. Ha. I’m nothing more than a kid.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Say The Same For You. 10/07
No I don’t know why you cry
No I didn’t lose any sleep last night
Without you with me
I’ve lost my sense of feeling
Anything for you
Now you’re lost and thinking
that I should be too
But I’m done wasting every second
I have on you
Oh, I’m still living
Life’s just fine right now
without you in it.
Did you think I’d cry through nights, unalive
Waiting on you to save my sad sorry self
From the mess you left me in?
But here, that couldn’t be farther from fact
I’m anything but down and depressed
In fact you could say
I’m doing fine
Wish I could say the same for you.
And now you know the truth
And I have no doubts it’s killing you
This piece of news,
that it’s not you I need
You are not the world
I’m nobody’s girl
And most of all not yours
I don’t need you anymore.
Did you think I’d cry through nights, unalive
Waiting on you to save my sad sorry self
From the mess you left me in?
But here, that couldn’t be farther from fact
I’m anything but down and depressed
In fact you could say
I’m doing fine
Wish I could say the same for you.
It’s true, I’m as over you as it gets.
And I’m sorry, so sorry that things aren’t
Going so great for you.
Own up to it, boy, cause I know I’m still your light
That burning down deep inside
A fire only I can put out
Did you think I’d cry through nights, unalive
Waiting on you to save my sad sorry self
From the mess you left me in?
But here, that couldn’t be farther from fact
I’m anything but down and depressed
In fact you could say
I’m doing fine
Wish I could say the same for you.
Did you think I’d cry through nights, unalive, unalive
Waiting on you to save my sad sorry self
From the mess you left me in?
But here, that couldn’t be farther from fact
I’m anything but down and depressed
In fact you could say
I’m doing fine
Remember those words you said as you left?
That day you said, “I promise you’ll feel better soon.”
Wish I could say the same for you.
No I didn’t lose any sleep last night
Without you with me
I’ve lost my sense of feeling
Anything for you
Now you’re lost and thinking
that I should be too
But I’m done wasting every second
I have on you
Oh, I’m still living
Life’s just fine right now
without you in it.
Did you think I’d cry through nights, unalive
Waiting on you to save my sad sorry self
From the mess you left me in?
But here, that couldn’t be farther from fact
I’m anything but down and depressed
In fact you could say
I’m doing fine
Wish I could say the same for you.
And now you know the truth
And I have no doubts it’s killing you
This piece of news,
that it’s not you I need
You are not the world
I’m nobody’s girl
And most of all not yours
I don’t need you anymore.
Did you think I’d cry through nights, unalive
Waiting on you to save my sad sorry self
From the mess you left me in?
But here, that couldn’t be farther from fact
I’m anything but down and depressed
In fact you could say
I’m doing fine
Wish I could say the same for you.
It’s true, I’m as over you as it gets.
And I’m sorry, so sorry that things aren’t
Going so great for you.
Own up to it, boy, cause I know I’m still your light
That burning down deep inside
A fire only I can put out
Did you think I’d cry through nights, unalive
Waiting on you to save my sad sorry self
From the mess you left me in?
But here, that couldn’t be farther from fact
I’m anything but down and depressed
In fact you could say
I’m doing fine
Wish I could say the same for you.
Did you think I’d cry through nights, unalive, unalive
Waiting on you to save my sad sorry self
From the mess you left me in?
But here, that couldn’t be farther from fact
I’m anything but down and depressed
In fact you could say
I’m doing fine
Remember those words you said as you left?
That day you said, “I promise you’ll feel better soon.”
Wish I could say the same for you.
Hammers and Strings.
This is living life the only way I know how. And I'm not doing a very good fucking job of it, you know?
You deserve a second chance. Or wait, is it third? Fourth? I lost track somewhere along the lines I wrote on several pages that went unread, or at least unacknowledged. But still, everything was so much easier 36 hours ago. Everything was clear and I was right on track. Of course, everything's easier when it's me on my own, me and my thoughts. Enter peanut gallery. These hammers and strings been following me around.
No one's ever alone. Once (or countless times) I said that as a comfort. Now, it feels more like a burden. What happens when you want to be left alone for five minutes' peace? You, I can't tell; you're lost. You, you understand more than I'd like. You, you don't know the dynamic. You, you're clueless and pretending to be an expert. You, you are the thin line. Fuck. Give me something to trust.
I'm not doing well enough, obviously. All I wanted was to let everything work gradually, but that was too much to ask from the people that stand closest to me. I know I have a lot of weaknesses and I'm prone to my relapses. You're trying to keep me strong, but I'm asking you to put on the breaks. Slow down. Thank you so much for loving me and thank you for honesty, but it's overwhelming. I have to mess up a little to know what right and what I need to stear clear of. I've always been terrified to go in anything alone, but I need it most right now. This is where I stare my fear in the eye and come out better by it. I know I'm not crazy; I just lost my will.
I'm not saying I don't need you, all of you. I am asking you to listen, and I expect concern. All I can hope for is that you pass up the urge to warn me on occasion. Consider me warned. I've heard every single person's words and I'm weighing them. As much as each account can contradict, I'm trying to sift through and lace together the common threads. I don't need much advice now to feed the confusion. I've got this. So trust me. Have faith that I'll take care of myself. I miss you like hell; I still hear you in this old piano.
Thank God for all the people I love, and all that love me. I hope no one forgets that or thinks it doesn't mean anything. I'm sorry. I've been trying to hold so much back and letting it build has been toxic. It's hard not to like myself. It's impossible when I'm daily reminded that I'm constantly screwing up in someone's eyes. Isn't everybody? Why do I feel singularity? I can't make a right decision. I'm told all the time to make myself happy and stop worrying about making other people happy. I just don't operate like that. When other people that matter are upset with me or my decisions, I can't be happy. Not fully, at least. But it's impossible when everything I need fights everything I want. So write it down; I don't think that I'll close my eyes.
So I'll chase what I want and clutch what I need. I'm breaking out of this state of caring to the point of tears, because I don't cry in front of an audience. I use weakness to get strong. I find happiness in every day.So the unmatching colors reflect on my smile and I let color rise in my cheeks. "Honey, your big green eyes are too pretty to let your tears turn 'em red." A Kindergarten lesson carries into adulthood. I'm old enough to go to jail, but not to rent a hotel room. Blame the law for shivering roadtrippers sleeping at rest stops. Blame the old pictures for fresh bouts of one-time illnesses. Blame the stomach for the food I can't seem to take. Blame myself for joking comments taken to heart. I'm the only reason that everything stings. It seems like words are easier to come by and harder to make positive. It's just that at night, I've got nowhere to hide.
And now, it's time to climb uphill. Because I'm not going to let my downer tendencies at the current influence another lost chance. This time around, I'm not running before the gun fires; I'm hoping for anything but a false start. Here's to holding out and not getting let down. I'm force-feeding myself a self-prescribed dose of optimism because I do have faith. In you, in time. Time is my friend, and time is all I need. Time will help us figure it out, so let's take all that we need to get it right. I'm in no hurry if you promise you'll stick it out. I'm asking you to stay. So smile and be confident and shine. Confusion isn't necessary so let's leave it behind. I'm telling you not to be scared. I'm not anymore, so don't hold anything back. It's as simple as loosening your grip on the wheel and watching the sunset instead. Stay with me until the sun rises again. Just promise you won't let it be just the keys that you touch.
To the sleepless, this is my reply: I will write you a lullaby.
You deserve a second chance. Or wait, is it third? Fourth? I lost track somewhere along the lines I wrote on several pages that went unread, or at least unacknowledged. But still, everything was so much easier 36 hours ago. Everything was clear and I was right on track. Of course, everything's easier when it's me on my own, me and my thoughts. Enter peanut gallery. These hammers and strings been following me around.
No one's ever alone. Once (or countless times) I said that as a comfort. Now, it feels more like a burden. What happens when you want to be left alone for five minutes' peace? You, I can't tell; you're lost. You, you understand more than I'd like. You, you don't know the dynamic. You, you're clueless and pretending to be an expert. You, you are the thin line. Fuck. Give me something to trust.
I'm not doing well enough, obviously. All I wanted was to let everything work gradually, but that was too much to ask from the people that stand closest to me. I know I have a lot of weaknesses and I'm prone to my relapses. You're trying to keep me strong, but I'm asking you to put on the breaks. Slow down. Thank you so much for loving me and thank you for honesty, but it's overwhelming. I have to mess up a little to know what right and what I need to stear clear of. I've always been terrified to go in anything alone, but I need it most right now. This is where I stare my fear in the eye and come out better by it. I know I'm not crazy; I just lost my will.
I'm not saying I don't need you, all of you. I am asking you to listen, and I expect concern. All I can hope for is that you pass up the urge to warn me on occasion. Consider me warned. I've heard every single person's words and I'm weighing them. As much as each account can contradict, I'm trying to sift through and lace together the common threads. I don't need much advice now to feed the confusion. I've got this. So trust me. Have faith that I'll take care of myself. I miss you like hell; I still hear you in this old piano.
Thank God for all the people I love, and all that love me. I hope no one forgets that or thinks it doesn't mean anything. I'm sorry. I've been trying to hold so much back and letting it build has been toxic. It's hard not to like myself. It's impossible when I'm daily reminded that I'm constantly screwing up in someone's eyes. Isn't everybody? Why do I feel singularity? I can't make a right decision. I'm told all the time to make myself happy and stop worrying about making other people happy. I just don't operate like that. When other people that matter are upset with me or my decisions, I can't be happy. Not fully, at least. But it's impossible when everything I need fights everything I want. So write it down; I don't think that I'll close my eyes.
So I'll chase what I want and clutch what I need. I'm breaking out of this state of caring to the point of tears, because I don't cry in front of an audience. I use weakness to get strong. I find happiness in every day.So the unmatching colors reflect on my smile and I let color rise in my cheeks. "Honey, your big green eyes are too pretty to let your tears turn 'em red." A Kindergarten lesson carries into adulthood. I'm old enough to go to jail, but not to rent a hotel room. Blame the law for shivering roadtrippers sleeping at rest stops. Blame the old pictures for fresh bouts of one-time illnesses. Blame the stomach for the food I can't seem to take. Blame myself for joking comments taken to heart. I'm the only reason that everything stings. It seems like words are easier to come by and harder to make positive. It's just that at night, I've got nowhere to hide.
And now, it's time to climb uphill. Because I'm not going to let my downer tendencies at the current influence another lost chance. This time around, I'm not running before the gun fires; I'm hoping for anything but a false start. Here's to holding out and not getting let down. I'm force-feeding myself a self-prescribed dose of optimism because I do have faith. In you, in time. Time is my friend, and time is all I need. Time will help us figure it out, so let's take all that we need to get it right. I'm in no hurry if you promise you'll stick it out. I'm asking you to stay. So smile and be confident and shine. Confusion isn't necessary so let's leave it behind. I'm telling you not to be scared. I'm not anymore, so don't hold anything back. It's as simple as loosening your grip on the wheel and watching the sunset instead. Stay with me until the sun rises again. Just promise you won't let it be just the keys that you touch.
To the sleepless, this is my reply: I will write you a lullaby.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Mine. 12/18/08
You are mine. In the beginning I started out cautious but I am submerged. Head under water, drowning in this. It’s new; feeling so completely fulfilled so effortlessly. I have found what I always strove for, and was always one word, touch, taste short of. We intertwine. When I hold your hand your current flows through. Jumpstart my heart; jumble my head- I love to be speechless. I never knew laid back and carefree would bring security and longevity. All signs point to this fun-loving nature leading to serious. My walls are torn and smashed on the ground; I let you in more than anyone else in most ways. I am unembarrassed. It takes so much to utter that sentence. Always hands on waists. Curiosity pulls me in; this must be your way. But it doesn’t feel like a slow carved checkmark in a well-worn post. I am special, I know it; I feel it. God I feel so proud. I can’t describe you by my side.
I one time wrote in the midst of an epiphany that I wanted to find someone that knew my faults and flaws, and still accepted me despite them. In relationships past, my laid back, honest nature has caused one-time lovers to go running, searching for something more complicated, harder to get. All I’ve wanted was someone who wanted me, no strings, no games. I found him. A boy I can be completely chill with and he still is completely enamored. Somehow I have his focus; somehow I’ve drawn him in. Every vow I made in that epiphany shines behind his color-changing eyes. The boy I don’t have to bend over backwards for, I just can if I want to. He likes me, with my faults, with my flaws, without mind games.
I think the simplicity is refreshing. I’m so happy. I found something so honest in someone so unlikely. And I hope this feeling lasts. Because I’ve never felt so firm in a relationship before; I’ve never felt like there’s no end in sight. All with you, someone notorious for crazy antics. I don’t care about reputation or past; you left it all at the doorstep when you followed me inside this new life. This is everything I’ve ever wanted. Balanced fun and serious, you brought me out of a comfort zone into one I have found a new home in. I don’t want this to change. I want to go on with you, hand in hand, chasing life and all it holds, together. I feel like I can do anything when I’m with you. You tell me that the person I am, is the person I should be.
The way we are, it’s damn near close to perfect. Us, I am completely enamored with it. The beauty of it all is that it matters so much more to me how we’ve affected each other, than just what you’ve done for me. I’m proud of the person you are to me. I love who you’ve become. You settled down, and I’m so thankful it’s with me. I don’t feel a slave to your charm; I feel like we are equal parts of a heart in this. Feeling wanted just as much as I’m wanting is absolutely amazing. I wouldn’t trade this for anything. Thank you for showing me that I’m worth this, and that this, most unlikely of situations, is exactly what I needed most.
Casual introduction; I’m all too aware of you.
First glance, and I’m curious
You caught me from the start and you captivated me
Set in the park, mid fall past dark
You drove my car and I laughed
When I would’ve screamed before
“What’s this boy changing in me?”
Drive away, and call my name
You’ve got a crush and you’re curious too
A reputation and fast life, but you’re captivated
By the good girl with a crazy side
You feel asleep to thoughts of me
When you wouldn’t have thought twice before
Boy, you’ll find a change in me
And why, since first night,
I can’t stay away from you
I’ll never know
But the beauty is,
I don’t have to
It’s plain and simple, you’re all mine now.
And one day I wrote that I wanted someone
Who knew my faults and flaws
You met them from the start
And still gave me your heart
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Won't Take It. 9/07
No I can’t take it
Your social graces making rounds
My nerve won’t make it
I’ve had enough; it’s time
You watch as your reign is torn down
Do you think you’re better off without me?
Look a little deeper, dear, and you’ll see
What you have will never match what you had in me
I deserved true
Why’d I waste precious time on you?
You think I’d break
But you don’t have a clue what it takes
To crack me down
This is where it ends
I don’t have to take this anymore.
I’m not afraid to admit it now, you know
I always was the bigger person
But I’m fucking sick of your dumb-playing
The victim games
So think again before you drop my name
I’ll tell you; you’re about as real
As that bleach blonde hair
And girl, your roots are vicious truth
Talk my name down, but I won’t meet you there
Oh, but you know you’re not better off without me
Don’t stop looking dear ‘cause, you see
What I have will never match what I had in you
What I’ve got is true
Despite the hell that you put me through
No way I’d break
You don’t have what it takes
I got you after all.
And it’s finally reached the end;
I’m over it all,
Free from what little you had to offer
It’s not enough anymore
I’ve passed it up
So good luck wherever you turn now.
Your social graces making rounds
My nerve won’t make it
I’ve had enough; it’s time
You watch as your reign is torn down
Do you think you’re better off without me?
Look a little deeper, dear, and you’ll see
What you have will never match what you had in me
I deserved true
Why’d I waste precious time on you?
You think I’d break
But you don’t have a clue what it takes
To crack me down
This is where it ends
I don’t have to take this anymore.
I’m not afraid to admit it now, you know
I always was the bigger person
But I’m fucking sick of your dumb-playing
The victim games
So think again before you drop my name
I’ll tell you; you’re about as real
As that bleach blonde hair
And girl, your roots are vicious truth
Talk my name down, but I won’t meet you there
Oh, but you know you’re not better off without me
Don’t stop looking dear ‘cause, you see
What I have will never match what I had in you
What I’ve got is true
Despite the hell that you put me through
No way I’d break
You don’t have what it takes
I got you after all.
And it’s finally reached the end;
I’m over it all,
Free from what little you had to offer
It’s not enough anymore
I’ve passed it up
So good luck wherever you turn now.
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