Vent. 12/07

It is horrible to say that you piss me off more often than not? Is it so bad that I'm pretty sure I'm only still holding on because I feel like ending things now wouldn't absolutely crush you? I want to come out on top. No way I'm getting more hurt out of this than you. One way or another, I will get the best of you. Whether it's the best of the best of you, or getting the best of you in the worst way possible. You aren't devoted. I should've seen this coming. Face to face, you're nearly perfect. But you never want to make face-to-face work. You don't want perfect. Your communication skills get on my last nerve. If you don't like me anymore, let me go. I can find a hell of a lot better.

You do things because you have to, because it’s the boyfriend thing to do. It’s not cute when you do things because you think you have to. Fuck it. Be yourself. I don’t want you to text me if you feel like you have to. I want you to want to, and if you don’t, something’s wrong. I’ve realized it’s not me. You can’t commit to anything real. You have that one best friend. Alright, hope you’re happy with him, because you’re pushing every damn thing else away. I see why she got so fed up with your shit. I see why she is so concerned for me. You can’t devote yourself to me. I went out of my way to make sure you could have everything you wanted, but you didn’t ever want me as much as you want him.

I’m so close to over this. I don’t know why I’m still with you. It’s everything you didn’t do. I’m so pissed because of everything you didn’t do, everything you just let slide. Every time you went without texting or calling, and every time you ditched me. You don’t care about me because if you did, you’d change. I’ve realized I can’t change you. I thought I could, but only you can change yourself, and I don’t think you want to. I’m so sick of being pissed at you all the time for what you never said, for what you never do. If things don’t change like now, bye. Too bad I’m only still with you because if I broke it off now it wouldn’t hurt you. I want to hurt you.

You don’t deserve to hurt me again. I lied; I’m not falling for you.

Perfect Love Short. 4/08

She smiled up at him, serenely, and softly whispered, “I love you.” To most this would be a bombshell, but they were more than ready for it. He smiled a gentle grin, and looking in her eyes, simply replied, “I love you too. So much.” His grin widened with a soft, short kiss, and the two returned to their tenderly intertwined position. They didn’t need any more words, but simply knew; this moment was all they needed. Most would consider their love perfect.

It was to them as well.

Nutshells. 11/08

Nothing’s changed and I still mean every word I wrote. I miss you, oldest friend, fond piece of this crazy family.

Thanks for keeping me sane and being a home away from home. You’re a best friend, really. I’ll keep telling you you’re a godsend till you believe it.

I don’t feel like I’m disappointing you anymore. We’re not as close, and I’m not sorry. It’s natural. It’s nothing to be upset about; just embrace the people we’re becoming. Let’s upgrade to the present. I can’t take much more of the appearances we’re keeping now.

We founded a friendship that will last for so long. We haven’t been thrown off balance and I don’t think we will. You gave me a passion for life again; I can’t thank you enough.

I’m so proud of you. I really am. Keep being strong. You’re going to go places, but stay humble. I miss you everyday, and I’m glad we’re becoming pretty great friends.

You all are the reason I am alive.

You confuse and quiet my mind at the same time. I like it. This fun time could go places, or maybe it won’t. I’m okay either way, and either way, I’m feeling alive.

Hint: Each is a direct link to a previous post, in order. Each is an update of how the previous has progressed. I'm thinking a series I did awhile back, maybe.. ;- )

Updates as of 2/26

Still, nothing's changed. I'm hoping we get closer. I can't wait for our next Florida trip. Love you!

I think you're an angel and I admire you more than almost anyone. You save my life a lot. Thanks for being a great friend and supporting me. I owe you my sanity.

I think we figured the slump out. We accepted that our frienship has changed, but we know it can't keep us apart. I think we've got a good thing going now.

I can see the wheels turning. Thank God I see light in your eyes. That girl with a passion for life is resurfacing. Let her shine. You're beautiful.

I miss you so SO much. We don't talk much anymore and it makes me sad, but I understand. I'm thankful that I know you'd still be there for me if I needed you.

Still breathing, thanks to you.

That haze I was in is gone and you're so much more than a guilty pleasure by now. We'll figure it out, eventually.

Again, in order. Only these are as current as it gets.

Music In Summer. 5/19/08 (finished 2/26)

“Summer’s always been a time of change for me” She said.
“I never come out quite the same.
I’m always learning something new
Finding something to hold onto
This year,
So many things I want to put into words
And I have no means how
(my means fail me now)

Somewhere between my thoughts and my hands, it’s lost
And it’s killing me; I cannot find it
Words have escaped me where I’ve always relied
My way of escaping the passing of time

So I turn to the source that can always relate
Threads thought and sentiment across every state
I find a savior, my mouth no longer gaping
Music will save me
When I'm always escaping

It’s shameful lust, broken trust
Your wildest hopes and dreams
It’s a reunion, goodbye, a feel-good high
That can tear you apart at the seams.

It’s an unsolved mystery, your love life’s history
Surfaces lost memories you’d never find
It’s a life you forgot, overwhelms, your face hot
It’s always on your mind

It’s a nagging emotion, your thought’s commotion
When beautiful makes you cry
It’s you most regretted choice giving strength voice
And that feeling you can’t deny

It’s undeniable power, weakness cower
It’s your strongest ability given light
It’s music, all this, a serene, youthful bliss
Music makes everything right.

Grief. 11/19/08

Three weak days later and your songs pump through my ears like the blood in my veins. I swear these two weeks will drag, waiting on the ink to cover my veins with hope I can see, and will see forever. Your name’s on my computer screen, my IM window. I’m writing words about you that you will never see while we make casual conversation. Masks like this should be kept safe, locked away with experimental drugs and proven poisons. It’s deathly. Does my façade make me my own brand of fake? You have no idea that I suffer everyday at your memory. Your words graze my ear, faded now with time, like your kisses once graced my cheeks. But yet we continue talking about music videos and the weather turned cold.

Now I’ve stumbled upon a newfound comedy, twisted in nature, and mine alone to laugh at. Because you’ll never know as long as my mask stays in place. I’d love so much to tear it off and throw it down, complete with a look of anguish at its enslavement, like was once captured in a picture. Oh, but I’m a good actress, and breaking character would be completely unprofessional. Where’d my improv training run off to? The scripts filled my brain with lines and I can’t shake the memorization. So I’ll be this mask-wearing actress you expect, and you’ll be the clueless boy I’ve learned to accept.

Forget the animated, gushing sweetheart; forget the giddy love-struck honey. She lived a short life; born on a sunny day just before April met May, fell into a coma when September came, and breathed her last breath when September ran away. Of course it was the time between those days that mattered most, so much like the cliché dash speech at every funeral, and it’s that dash that has my mind still buzzing daily. I think about that life, and I fall into its trap all over again. So I am not healed. Honey lived such a short life for me to still be grieving at her graveside. Yet the grieving process takes a different length of time for everyone they say, and I guess I’m at the upper end.

And just when I count you out, just as I wrap up my written words about you, hitting save to my secrets, you break through. You touch me with reassurance and at last I can give in completely to peace. I'll never forget these words.

I just wanted to say thank you for being such a big part in my life and i'm glad we still talk after everything, it means a lot to me because I wouldn't be the way I am without you, and I'm proud of who I am. I was starting to feel like we were feeling a lack of importance for each other and I was not going to let that happen because you're too valuable to let go like I've let go of other friends. I wouldn't take anything back.

You're someone I'll never forget, and you'll always be important to me.

And so I close my writings on you for awhile. I heard all I needed. I mean something. I will always have you. That’s all I need to know. We'll always treasure the past and have a friendship to last through the future. I found comfort in your words more than you know today. Thank you, for clarity.

Fast Forward Facing.

Forty-eight after four. No work today and the keys call. One left. It drags so I wander. Downward glance and one stands out. It's good to be irregular.

Digging prepped pain and the way your skin stains.

So I took it and made it mine. Now my streaks gain praise and sideways glances from the ones whose numbers are supposed to gain respect. Most open their minds, or at least pretend to. Turn arm over and one foot drops. Thumbs up doesn't mean good luck. I want another. Nail in the coffin; I'm not finished. So you'll stare in my face and mark my words by the way my lips move. One most won't see, but summer finds its ways. This one's all out. This one's something to write home about.

I like the way this feels. I crave something commonly feared. I want color left; I want to make my scars purposeful and beautiful. Always tasteful and never out of moderation like a binge drinker. I don't see anything; anyone but me saying stop or go. I control spped. Marks on shins, knees, and mind are erased; girl's restless to make more. I learn fast. I process slow. I live with every intent to remind myself of every moment lived. I'm well on my way.

I'm running forward too fast to let my vision wander.

Analyze Fights. 3/08

I don’t think I have the personality to take this. I’ve come to realize that I can’t handle fights. Sure, I’ve always known that I hated them, but lately, all I’ve been through has showed me that there’s a reason for that hatred. I can’t stand the uncertainty and miscommunication that go along with it. No one ever gets their feelings out in a fully civil matter. People cry. People get hurt. All you know as fact is brought into question. You want more than anything for everything to be okay. At least, I know I do. Any fight I get in, I spend the duration of it trying to end it. I don’t want the bitter feelings or anger. Why does it seem like everyone else just holds on to the anger?

I think I max out my anger capacity well below the average human. Therefore, I never stand my ground like I should. Maybe I should fight back, but I don’t have it in my heart to do that. I don’t want to fight the people that mean the most to me. I’d do anything to avoid it, to avoid spending every free minute where I find myself alone analyzing everything. I end up hurting relationships I didn’t need to, and bringing in people that shouldn’t be involved. Is it safer to bottle up your feelings, or to take them to someone you trust, knowing it is up to them to pass judgment on the situation? I’ve always found the latter to be true. I turn into a blubbering mess if I hold it in. It tears me up until I practically blurt it out to the first willing ear.

Sometimes, though, it’s scary to let everything you feel out. If the person you tell knows the source of your distress, some of your feelings might leak to them and stir up more problems. Is that a chance worth taking for emotional relief, when the aftereffects might possibly make everything worse than before? Who knows, really. There is no person who has come out of a fight without bruises and scars. It always leaves an impact on you. I wish I understood why fights had to happen, but I’m light years away from even touching the edge of understanding. If I let you into my life, I don’t want to lose you. If I tell you I love you, I mean it.

I don’t take words for granted. I don’t take even the smallest moments for granted. I would rather live for those times when we lived on top of the world, then focus on those short moments we fell out of touch just for awhile. Most of all, I want to move on from every single fight. No matter the outcome, I want it to be settled so that everyone involved can live with the consequences. It’s not over if it hasn’t totally ended. I want everyone to be able to be happy. Please, live your life without regrets, and live it having fun as much as possible. Make peace, and fight as few wars as you have to.

And of course, as always, the optimist in me prevails again.

Mirror Imagine. 2/18/09

I just realized how alike we are, you and I. I've spent most of this time in awe because you're nothing I'd had before. I held you up, admired your easygoing, friendly attitude. But today I noticed that when it comes down to it, we're not much different. We both tell stupid stories that no one laughs at but us, and we're pros at shaking off the unsought reaction. Neither of us can call comedy a personal forte, and quiet honestly, we suck at being funny. We try, god knows we try, but ultimately, we're just not that funny. We're good at living free, at seeking happiness and wanting the best out of every day we live.

You live your life for the moment; I do the exact same. All we want is to love everyone, and for everyone to love each other. The value of good times and being young are important to us. You understand my view on life; you live so much like I do, and I don't know if I've met anyone else I can say that about. Being mean is a sin and violent tendencies passed us up. We got the peace lover gene, and we're intimidated by the ones who can pack a punch. I know you're goofy just like me from the stupid games we've played and time we've spent doing nothing but laugh. You see the beauty in life, but this is our difference. I wonder if you see it as deeply as I feel it.

I don't know if you weigh the consequences of your actions or think about the people you could hurt along the way. I wonder if you crawled beside me that night because you missed me, or just wanted to feel good for a few hours. I certainly hope you're not the kind who would use someone for passing pleasure. I know your wild side is a lot more prominent than mine. I'm more of an old soul, more of a thinker. But I've called you good time boy all along, and I find my good time girl in you. I may not be as versed in the ways of young life as you are, but I hold my own.

We're the same, yet each seated on opposite sides of the same. I can't tell if the difference makes us perfect (because god knows people exactly like yourself would drive you insane) or if that's what keeps us apart. Maybe I'm thinking too hard. Maybe I should take a page from your book and avoid deep conversation. Nothing can keep me from deep thinking. Just know that we're virtually one in the same with our own unique qualities to share. I care about you for who you are to me and everything I admire.

I don't hold you up anymore, instead I keep you by my side. I do love you, like I love my best friends, with the slightest of differences. We're to the point where my caring for you is permanent. I always will. You'll always hold a place in my heart. Do with it what you will, I guess. Just know that I do love you, and I am always, always here for you if you need someone. Don't hold back from me. If there's anything you want to talk to me about, I'm listening. I know you have to feel something; it's up to you to let me know what that is.

What's more important: saving yourself or letting me in?

Go On. 12/15/08

In response

I’m sorry, but I can’t go back. You spend your time with your back to the sunset, staring at the pictures of last night’s sunset on your camera screen. Frame the past, but your future isn’t on that memory card just yet. You’re afraid to let life go on without a security blanket. But you’re almost an adult; answer the ringing doorbell even if you’re home alone. You’re my prize possession captured in smiles on paper. Don’t worry; I don’t take them back. I found genuine joy on manmade beaches. The sun can’t shine on that same strip of heaven forever.

I wish I could lay there with you and enjoy it forever, but the person I’ve found can’t sit still. Please don’t ask me to jump back into the soul of a former self when I am proud of the self staring me in the face. Please look beside you and let the mirror tell you why you are in this here and now. If you keep looking back, you won’t be able to see what’s to come. So turn around and find your future. Don’t be upset that people change; embrace the changes, hold up the memories, and make some new ones. You’re too beautiful to let anyone hold you back.

Don’t stunt your growth for me. Go on, and make people beautiful outside and in.

Association. 8/10/08

I’ve come to the realization that I associate dates with memory, a whole lot. I remember the dates of so many significant moments of my life. June 12, Honda Civic Tour, the day I feel to the point of no return in love with music. November 16, I met TAI and Cobra Starship. September 21, I let loose for one day and met a best friend. I could go on like this for days. This fine day of August 10 pulls on a slightly painful nerve for me. One month has passed since the day I left for what would end up being the best week of my life. Driving on that long straight highway today, I was brought back to that day filled with so much joy, and I could help but feel a little tinge of pain mixed with the joy of the time. I miss it so much, today more than usual.

Now I’m sure this would’ve been a slight downer regardless of any other events going on in my life, but naturally, my life would throw other slightly suckish things into the mix to bring usually happy me into a rare funk at least for today. Oh right, I should probably elaborate since you’re not conveniently chilling inside my brain to read my thoughts. Today was also the day I had to say goodbye to my sister and brother. We packed up the car and braved that one-hour drive to Muncie, moving my sister’s things into her room efficiently and grabbing a bite to eat and Scotty’s, the family favorite. I got to see my brother’s house, which I was pretty excited for. Honestly, I was more excited to see my brother though; he moved out in late July and I missed him a lot.

Today rendered me once more sibling-less at home, and it forced me to realize a lot. I miss my sister so much, so much more than I should have to. I didn’t spend the time with her that I should have this summer. I didn’t spend the time with ANY of my family that I should have this summer. I hate that it took me till just now to notice that. Sure, during the summer the thought crossed my mind, but I figured I’d find the time eventually. I want my family to know I love them, and what a job I did of showing that this summer. I will do better this coming school year; this I am vowing right now. It’s not too late, so in that I can find some consolation. So now I’m stuck at home with no siblings and a long distance love to miss the hell out of, and what else do I have staring me in the face? Why, nothing but the joys of SCHOOL, starting in a short two days.

I am absolutely not ready for it. The only comfort I have found is that the sooner it starts, the sooner it can end. I’m so glad it’s my senior and last year; I couldn’t handle much more. So many people at school just drive me insane. I feel really different than most people there. Older, in a way, but also younger in my innocence. I’m ready for a change of pace, and I think college will bring that. More than anything, I want a change of scenery in some way. I’m hopeful, though, that I’ll come out of this day, and moreover, this school year, on top. I just have to be a patient, good little girl. I think I can do it. I know I can do it.

I guess I can find comfort in the fact that all those sources of distress above also bring me so much happiness. I have love in all its forms, and people in my life that I’d never trade for anything. I have so much. So much is enough, more than enough to get me through any hard day. I know I’ll wake up tomorrow, and I’ll feel better. I have every reason to smile, so despite the pain, I will keep smiling.

Life is beautiful.

Finally.

I'm riding this high as long as it'll let me, because being independent feels better and tastes sweeter than it ever has before. Months have passed since my dependence lied only in me, and I alloted the majority share to an outside source. I lived and loved and had a good time, but time came and went and I found myself living in a makeshift state, dreaming up my dependency into something more than a friendly shoulder. Today, I found it inside me to let the pretty pictures and dreams fade, and I feel so much better because of it. I don't have to rely on you anymore, and I realized I don't want to.

For well over a month now I've been telling myself that there's a chance what I'd hoped in would come around, that I just had to be patient. I missed the times I used to know and a part of me held out hope that they would resurface with an epiphany or loose sentence. But the epiphany is mine, and it's far from those hopes. This isn't changing, and I don't want it to. You didn't treat me like I deserved at all, as much as I liked to tell myself the opposite. You aren't serious, and your inability to hold a serious coversation or face serious matters is something I can't handle as more than your friend. I am not wholly dependent. I just found a smile within me, something mine alone to share.

I don't feel the pull to read your texts instantly and respond to your every invitation. Beck and call, meet the past. I'm not holding onto you anymore. I'm not holding onto an idle hope anymore. I am holding ono the hope that I'll find what I'm looking for; the only difference is I'm almost completely sure it won't be in you. I made my mistakes with you after the fact in the form of a weekend and I needed that last mistake to know what I know now.

I realized that I absolutely love being your friend, and that's it. We'll always be friends, I think, because we're so alike, and I'll always care about you, but I know that's how it should stay. I am so thankful to have you in my life, and I appreciate everything you've been to me. I hope to always have you around as my friend, my good time buddy to live life to the fullest with. I admire your love of living and the happiness you always radiate, and I think you really are a great person. You do mean a lot to me, but now you don't mean more than you should anymore. I found a balance, finally.

My eyes are filling and my chest is aching, but it's relief and a complete release of unhappiness instead of grief that's causing them. I might cry in a matter of minutes; I'll cry because I'm done holding back tears as you pass me by time and time again. I'm done sitting on the sidelines as my best friend carouses and soaks in the joys of the teenage lifestyle. Count me in; I'm back on the field. My injuries are healed enough to get back in the game. I've pushed all hope at anything new away with the big sign on my forehead screaming of being emotionally unavailable.

I just tore it off, and I have my eye out. I'm done counting myself out; I'm only as good to other as I am to myself. So here is me, loving myself, and giving myself over to the life I live best, one full of sun without you as my sunshine. I want to find someone who will treat me more than right, and I have all the confidence in the world that I will.

Once upon a time I thought I found someone who could hold onto the thrill despite their counterpart being a nice girl, free of games. I didn't, but that's okay. That doesn't mean I don't have one coming. I feel it in my bones and my eyesight's never been clearer. I've felt this way before; last time I did, it endured and I released. I found you then. It's time to let you do your thing, but even more so, it's time I finally let myself do mine. No more interior hopes that you'll stay, no more smell on my pillow and no more only you. I'm free and I'm independent. I alone have all of me again.

I can finally speak the sentence I've been trying to mean for months. I'm over you.

Getaway. 5/08

This is one of the few songs I'll admit to writing. Everything about it screams summer; it makes me want summer so bad. Three more months 'till I get away.

Lights down

We don’t need sight to see that we belong

Surrounded by this driving force,

We’ve got to prove them wrong

‘Cause they can’t see for miles

the way we can when we’re alone out here

tonight

Sky stained dark shades

As daytime fades,

And the black sky takes control

This is our one last shot

This is our getaway

Now’s our chance to pick it up and run

And you can bet that we’re not here to stay.

‘Cause here and now, here and now

This is our getaway

Lights up

And our senses take control

As the air gets colder

Oh, there’s a feeling in our bones

That all the time that's passed couldn’t make us older

'Cause tonight, we’re alive

as our world world races by

And time stands still;

This moment is our lives.

(All we need in our lives)

Sky’s light, takes night

Breeze feels just right

The day is finally under our control

This is our one last shot

This is our getaway

Here, now, our chance to pick it up and run

And you can bet that we’re not here to stay.

‘Cause here and now, here and now

(I'm breaking out)

This is our getaway

This is one last shot

One shot to getaway

We've picked it up, now watch me run

The dusts rises; I'm not here to stay

Here and now, I'm long gone

Here and now, so break it out

Take your shot

Come on and getaway

Let’s take our only chance to get away

More To Come. Check This News!

Alright, so here's the scoop:

My computer is completely virus ridden, and I'm pretty sure I'm about to get a new one. So as I was going through my saved documents on here, I realized a had a lot that I haven't published yet. As a result, I'm going to be posting one or two older writings everyday, all of which I found on here, some of which I'd forgotten about. There's half-finished songs, angry vents, an analysis or two, and even short, story-like tidbits. I'm excited to finally get all these out here, so be sure to check back daily if you can for new updates.

I'll still be writing new stuff, as always, and you can tell the two apart by the titles. Older stuff will include the date it was written in the title, and newer posts won't, since the date they'll most likely be written, would be the same day their posted. So enjoy, I have a good 30 chilling on here, so this will probably span over about a month. Let me know which ones you really enjoy, or give feedback on the pieces that are a little different than what I usually write. If you want to see more of it, I'd be happy to oblige!

Another thing, if you'd like me to explain the inspiration behind a piece, don't hesitate to ask. This goes for ANYTHING I write; I'd love to explain if you're curious on the origin of something I've written. I get inspiration from the craziest of places, and a lot of it isn't exactly always as it seems. So just send a message my way if you're curious, and I'll be here to answer your questions. First old piece will be posted today, now I'm off to decide what to kick it off with!

Thanks everyone, for your support, and happy reading!

Always Brand New.

Brand New will always be one of my very favorite bands, and this was solidified today. It just seems like no matter where I'm at it life, they have a song that hits home, writing my feelings better than I could ever dream. I've always been awful at writing songs (I can think of 2 that I've ever written and liked, one's posted), so it's like I find my feelings put to words in the songs of Brand New. I could probably craft a soundtrack for the past year or so of my life, completely of Brand New songs.

I know they're not a band for every ear out there, but even if their sound doesn't exactly excite your musical senses, take a couple minutes to really listen to their songs, or look up some of their lyrics. The words are beautiful and artfully crafted in a way that makes me overwhelmingly envious. I admire anyone who can put such honesty into music, out in the open for any number of listeners to build up or tear apart. Thank God they did share that intense variety of emotion with the world, because at least I can say that it's helped me immensely.

Music is a friend that seems to know everything about you without judging you for it. You can find advice in it without telling it a damn thing. Your secrets are safe, and yet you feel just a little bit more free. Jesse Lacey's lyrics have been that friend to me more than the words of any other author. The things you can't bring yourself to say, the feelings you push from mind and fight because you just don't want to feel them; it's revealed and analyzed by someone who doesn't even know your first name or eye color.

Brand New has gotten me through one awkward summer and a potentially deadly disorder, watching my first love fall and accepting the end, finding a calling in music and words and acting on it, the probable thoughts in one lover's mind during that mock rekindling, and constantly reassuring myself that I'm strong. I'm even more thankful now for that September day when they graced my hometown. I remember closing my eyes and moving my lips as I tuned out the sweaty kids and spilled beer. There was nothing but the song in my ears and the electric current in my body. Freshly fulfilled. This music, it's powerful.

Currently: Me Vs. Maradona Vs. Elvis, The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot, Fork and Knife, You Won't Know, The No Seatbelt Song.

Give them a shot, or check out these lyrics. You won't regret it.

Reassuring Heroes.

You can't hold onto the thrill, so I hope you find your will to follow through

Someone knew what they were thinking. I wonder who thought you up in my life; I wonder what they were thinking when they did. Did they know? Is there someone smiling in heaven, or am I failing this test? Compassion screams decibels directly into my ears; it drowns out the devil on my shoulder. Or is it the angel? I never have been good at distinguishing left from right.

This feels like the greatest trial and just another day collided, blissfully unaware. I'm so perfectly poised for polar, so desperately devoted to daily dues. Alarm goes off, and I drift through seven hours of knowledge is power. Four hours of work, relax a little, call it a night. Such is the tune of the ordinary I live so well. Weekends and free times play different melodies altogether and thwart the control of monotony. Seeping through the cracks is every opportunity to mobilize my idle mind. I succeed; min runs full speed like I wish my legs could.

I run here. To a pen without a cap and lined paper with bent edges. Spiral bound like me. Day after day and it never gets old, never loses that incredible second of silence immediately after the fact. Other escapees aren't as lucky. Drinks get stronger with time and tolerance builds against addiction. Poisons have to strengthen. Fresh cuts scar and people fade. I won't need any of it. The power to inspire from individual trials is my definition of beauty. One rises up, another learns as a result. So rise up. The strongest people you know are ones brought out of weakness. I have hope, and I'm living, writing to inspire. Inspiration as a chain reaction.

So so what if I lived like a youth and my weakness is in speculation. Girl's gonna get used. Boy's too fond of fun to take care of her. It's a story every witness and character could write and no two endings would be the same. No one knows so we leave it to time to write. So what. I just took a breath and there's countless to come no matter what happens and who graces my life. I'm not living to get by; I'm living to appreciate every single one of those breaths. In the face of everything I have yet to experience, I know one day, sooner or later, it won't matter that one time I cried. Eventually I'll find a place where a sunny-eyed nice girl doesn't get taken advantage of. That doesn't stop me from feeling all that joy. I hope and I keep on living. Mistakes are sometimes blessings in disguise.

I'm not static, unchanging just like you. You snake your way into every reflected screen because you are always on my mind. Do you reciprocate the same courtesy? Doubtful, but here I am still intact. I'm braced with no clue what for and all your friends' watchful, cynical eyes are sizing me up. They think highly of me and less of what I've done. They trust you not to change. They expect who you've been. Here's me throwing you the benefit of the doubt with the preparedness to have it thrown back. I'd much rather you take it and prove everyone wrong.

What if doesn't exist and neither does time travel, and I hope it never does. This way we have to live with every bump and bruise. Save people, or try and fail. It's always worth the chance of success to face the potential for failure. Believe in someone everyone wants you to quit on; believe in someone worth every second spent. Just never stop. Do what you hold close, and live as essentially as you breathe.

I need this reassurance just like the two eyes scanning every word at the pace you choose. I wrote to live right. I wrote not to fall apart, to be strong for a minute when weakness is overwhelming. Live for happiness and endlessly strive for it like the people who entertain my heart. This way of life captivates me. I never want to lose this mind. I'll always have something to look forward to, to live for. Never forget, no regrets. It's a waste of the present to wish away the past, and I'm better by it. I'm better by you, all of you. One day I'll wear it permanently. Etching lies to my right and I can't wait until it adorns the back left. It may not ring true to all, but I'll know. Take my hand and we'll get something that lasts forever out of it; marks on skin so we don't forget.

This is about living. Make sure you do exactly as you want, as you think is right or best in the moment. Be elemental and quick on your feet, so that looking back is a positive experience. Only you can conquer what if before it sneaks up on you. Hero is always a more sought after role than victim. So suit up. Be someone's hero.

But first, be your own.

PS- Posted another draft. But as soon as I posted that one, I wrote another. So my record still isn't clear. Soon enough. Happy hunting.

Contenders.

A look back. Fall air wraps around strands of my tossed hair and I'm feeling anxious. Beyond repair on the one hand and throwing myself at new memories, this is making your own happiness. All of a sudden, there you are. I knew nothing about you but the infamy you carried and the looks I approved. This was bad news for a mending heart, but I needed that night. I remember swings as the sun dropped and a dare that made my cheeks burn. I saw a picture the other day. That night, me and you. First of many. I remember when it all seemed so easy compared to what was behind me. I remember when it set me free. Then I remember five seconds ago and the thought on my mind and I remember that it still does. Insert profanity here.

My favorite guilty pleasure shoots my thoughts back at me in the form of three postcards. Usually I find one to relate to and latch on. Of course I'd hit above average. I should send one in. Postsecrets draw me in like the thought of a fresh tattoo. One of three, no one knows. Two of three, everyone can tell. My best friend laughs and points out its truth. Three of three is shared without the laugh. It's supposed to be a sad truth. Why did I smile when she turned her head?

Being young brought toys with squeezable hands and words on repeat. I was just trying to be brave like you. This young is grown and a hell of a lot more enticing. I don't drag 37 stuffed animals behind me when I wake up in the morning anymore (excuse the baby blankets, everyone has their comfort). Instead I drag my feet, opening my eyes to a day on repeat like those catchphrases the paw brought out. But no day is usual and I'm thriving in it. I'm in love with a distraction and my original intention is lost on me. I can't remember a day when it didn't mean everything to me.

I'm ignoring words and fighting body language. Apparently I'm more than deserved and set up for the worst. But I'm the wrong optimist and I let sunshine in through the blinds anyway. I always hope for the best, don't I? Some people never change. Some people prove they can. The lists are empty as I wait for you to fall under a category. Trouble slides across tender and I tap out.

I'm nothing if not whole, and nothing if not wholly prepared. I spite the posters on your behalf because I believe in something. It's operative. I'm ready for this idol to be false, but it doesn't shake the fact that I have faith. The odds are never always right. I'm expecting to be wrong, but I haven't laid down my life savings. I bet no one believes in you as much as you do. Except me, despite every reason not to. We choose where our beliefs are founded. I took root. My set is played out. Spotlight's on you.

Play me something honest.

No Matter, I'll Be Safe.

Two links rest two floors removed. Thank God I'm not occupying so large a space alone. My attention span is bouncing off the walls again, and every taste of focus is scattered when my phone lights up. A little white envelope torn at the corner played Jesus, and I feel healed. Is there a painkiller for too much thinking? Words come slow, and my sentences don't flow, but this is the beauty of words.

Definition isn't definite; I'm dictionary diving for cause and effect. I'll make 2 lists and title them "Publish" and "Hide." I am hiding, but I'm cranking out words. One foot in your bedroom and one foot out the door. What's sadness? I think it's one of those kids I never got around to liking. I'll keep it that way. My best friend breaths sunshine and my addiction embodies it. Don't let the pale skin fool you; I'm sunbathing in the dead of winter.

I met you on a whim and I kept you the same way. Now this is as permanent as the ten lines hiding on the underside of my thumb. Inhibitions are firmly in place out of duty, but we wrecked them and broke the rules. I see the handcuffs but I'm not sorry. I'll serve my time but it won't change my ways. The defining moments we seek and conquer unveil just enough to let us know what gets us strong and what has our heads resting on toilet bowls instead of pillows. Or maybe we need a little of both.

For now I'll keep spinning till time plays clarifier. I'm safe and sound in the absolute uncertainty. Five little poisons screaming my name. I think I'll reply. Black out and here I am with a repeat performance. Round 2. Write in a double meaning. And I thought I was sly. I'm off to chase another teenage endeavor and my best friends are holding my hand. We'll make a cake and celebrate the holiday we deny. This is life, and life is good.

No matter what lies ahead.

Body Shakes. Get Strong.

Shaking minus the catchiness. Premonition of my greatest fear and dreamy hopes colliding inside. I felt gravity slip from under my feet and I knew. Hours left to tick by before the fact. I know. Secret messages and coding. I speak your language. I may be the only one and you can't stay away. I taste your intrigue when you're inches away. Close in. Courage is hitting. Yes and no. Maybe. Heartbeat. Heartbreak. Heart filled. Fill in the blanks. I know where I'll end up.

Choppy at best, this is my effort. That gut feeling's been pulling at the edge of my brain like children on their anxious mother's t-shirt. Kid on Christmas morning. Weekend brings excitement; what's on the menu?

Anxiety speaks and I wash it down with a stomachache and some Advil. I know I'm staring a milestone in the face and I'm feeling brave. Make or break, I aim for the first. Challenge in my face. I couldn't be more ready. My hands are shaking as violently as my whole body, and I'm shivering without a security blanket. I'm strong enough.

I'm ready. Let's go.

Early Season.

Windows down in the single digits of February. This is the definition of a perfect day.

Awhile back I found inspiration on a very similar day, sometime in fall, where the wind blows just soft enough to say goodbye to heat and air condition and let nature control your environment. Beautiful days, sunny and warming with a breath of a breeze are complete serenity to me. Today felt like a promise. I watched the snow melt at the side of the road and smiled, wishing it away for the year. I don't want to be bombarded with another snowstorm; this hint of spring tastes too good to see fade away as fast as it came. I'm ready for bare arms, long hair, and color in my skin.

Winter has set me restless in the worst way, and it's passing is nothing worth mourning. I hope that thermometer refuses to dip and the sun wins the war over the cold. My arm's out the window and for once the breeze doesn't sting my perpetually chilled hands. Who can wish that away, pass up sunny skies for snow covered car accidents? I never could fall into the spell of the whitewash. Green and yellow takes over and my disposition is that much brighter.

Seasons change nothing like shifts. Stressless, nature takes its course. No call ins or no shows; progression is inevitable. New seasons always have brought me hope at the thought of everything they will contain. Today my heart beats a little faster, and I'm excited without knowing why. I like it this way; the pending gifts and promises are enticing. Mindlessly my changes have begun, nature taking me as it took the winter coats. I'm running towards something, throwing off the weight I always carry come wintertime. Just across the starting line, I have every intention to see this through.

So I'll hold my breath and keep my windows rolled; I'll fight any recession with everything in me. I can count on the sun to shine. I hope this shift in me was reflected in countless other souls who witnessed the sun on skin today. This is promise for beauty blossoming from the barren.

This feeling is lasting in me; I can only hope the weather does too.

You're Stronger.

You don't let go easy. You wear it proud, fully aware of its presence. It's beautiful. In a world of teenage attention spans, your dedication is refreshing. I'm in awe of your affection and my respect for you far exceeds your age. You play savior to so many, even those who choose not to notice.

But who are you saving if you forget to save yourself? The very thing you pride the most is also your biggest downfall. If your vision didn't pass it off as a mirage, it'd haunt you. But you see it for the duality it holds and you do the best you can under its weight. Sometimes you have it all figured out, handled with grace and neatly tied up.

Then there's times like now. A sudden motion wrecks your balance and you're flat on the ground, it seems. All this time you fought so hard to keep your head above. Don't drown just yet. I've been trying all along to help without saying the harshest words, but I can't hold them back much longer. You can throw my words off if you want, but you have to know this much: you're too beautiful, too wonderful, too powerful to let someone like him render you powerless. I know in your eyes everyone is worth saving, but please, you don't have to gamble with your happiness to play hero. It's out of yours hands and into his head, and as awful as it can feel to let someone else hold fate, you have to let him.

I can't watch you throw yourself in the path of every hurt anymore. You're doing this to yourself and it's breaking my heart. You deserve more. When I told you he wasn't good enough, I meant it. I know he was nicer, sweeter, younger than you're used to, but that doesn't make him better. That doesn't mean you're not worthy of more. You are, and it kills to see you sell yourself short. What are you to yourself; what do you see? I told you what I see, and I pray the mirror doesn't play tricks on you. Don't tell yourself he's the best you'll ever get. The best you'll ever get would never imply that all you're worthy of is one word at a time and forgotten phone calls.

There is absolutely no shame in loving yourself unconditionally. I'll tell you this every day if I have to. Let yourself get over him, for the sake of your sanity and the sake of everything you need. All I can do is care for you and do my best to help you. I'm terrified of the girl I've known for the weekend. I wanted so badly to talk but the one words made it hard. Please don't retreat into yourself. I can't watch this. I can't see you hurt yourself anymore.

You deserve happiness and I don't care if you disagree. You are worthy of over-the-moon happy, perfect good times, and anything your heart could dream. You're too hard on yourself. You are beautiful. There's a reason people love you, and why so many people know you are there for them whenever they need you. Look at everything you've done in your years of life, all the people you've affected. I miss your smile, because they're few and far between lately.

Help me help you; help yourself. I'm scared and I don't know what to do to help. I've been trying. I want you to let the people who love you in, and find it in yourself to know that you deserve happiness. I can't stand to see you hurt like this anymore. It's okay to let go every once in awhile. You're going to do big and beautiful things in this world; now let yourself see your impact.

Every time you look in the mirror, I hope you see the beautiful person I do. Inside and out.

Secretive Mindset.

So much to say, no way to say it without selling myself out. Instead the innerworkings of my mind are dedicated to an unseen screen, shame avoided and no chance of being embarrassed. My draft count is marred once again, no longer wiped clean, but with one glaring member. I don't mind. Some things are best kept sound until the opportune moment. Some faith is best kept in secret, rather than confessed to the source; the resulting overconfidence quickly stripping its origin. It's funny, I've always been open with my emotions and thoughts, putting a lot of things here that I don't see everyday. I like to share my life, to make something beautiful out of my life experiences and put it somewhere I can be proud of it. In some cases, though, I'm not immune to needing my own secret place. I'm reassured by the thought that it will see light one day, hopefully when it's source is resolved on its own.

This is a feeling unlike that which I usually experience. Open books scarcely hold anything within, and I'm not bursting with stress to reveal it. Within me, safe and sound, I can do whatever I want with the secret only I know. It's better not to bother spilling when you yourself are unsure of exactly what to make of your rattling mind. My discretion may be minimal, but it's existent. it'll find its way to the surface. My words are thoughts I speak daringly. Maybe they'll fall on their face. Maybe they're exactly what's in store. The beauty of the mystery is enticing. I'm no secret keeper, but I can handle just this one. I'm quick to share, and for once I think I'll kick back for awhile. I'll see what you do. Are you reading my mind? Do you feel it, see it, live it? No matter the answer, I am sound in words invisible to set of eyes everywhere.

If I told you my secret, would you swear to keep it?

Dress To Kill, Sweetheart.

Tonight I drive away and reminisce. For the first time in a long time, I smell like you, and I hope like hell it clings to my skin and hair. The heat circulates and what I have of you is continually consuming my senses. It feels like one of those nights that used to make up my day-to-day life, and I'm not talking myself out of the mindset. My mind drifts to wrestling over keys and the view from a helpless driver's seat. It didn't matter that the sun was blocked by drifting snow; you lit up the interior of the tiny space we shared. I always said I wanted a sunshine. In that moment, I realized that's exactly what you are. You light up my spirit when I'm with you, and lighten the weight of every external force. You live lightly. You had to one-up my sunshine, and everyone knows I'm a sucker for a double meaning.

I wish I didn't have to be so resistant. But I have to behave; I can't ignore all the screams for my well-being. I feel you making your way back into my life, but I can't tell if you're going to pursue it. I don't know how determined you are or what you really want. I want you to want me; I'll admit it. I want to find a balance, but I don't want it to be a short-lived breath of a joke. I can tell you're torn between unattached and something deep. Just know that having someone to care about isn't a burden. It's no limit on fun or living in the moment. Maybe you underestimate yourself underneath all that confidence. I see something in you I never saw before. A deeper caring, a seriousness you hardly show. You can't deny we're closer than ever.

Thank you for being the sunshine I need, and almost never failing to bring me up. You have a way of swooping in with your good times exactly when I need it. I hope you're always around, no matter what you are to me. Some think I'm crazy to say you mean so much in my life, but the hurt is gone. When I told you I forgave you, I meant it. I want to believe in you. The you I know, the person you are to me, is someone no one else knows. Sure, you're the same goofy kid with the usual catchphrases and antics, but I see something beyond the surface. I could be giving myself too much credit or creating something in my mind, but I don't think I am.

I think there's definitely a future in store for us both, together. Maybe friends is it; maybe we'll try again. I don't know what you can handle. I don't know what you wanted to talk about when you said you were going to talk to me because it didn't come up, and amidst the fun I forgot to ask. Maybe you're thinking what I'm thinking. All I know is I love the way life feels when you're in it, whether it's skipping, driving pranks, parties, speeding tickets or just hanging out around the house. You're responsible for countless smiles and forgotten shyness. Your impact's been made, and I can only hope I've left my mark as well. I don't know where we're headed, but I'm glad I still have you around.

So run your fingers through your hair, I'm only human; I can't help it.

Easy To Forget.

Negative progress has me spiraling in reverse. I found out today that there is such a thing as too much to ask, and it’s plural and overwhelming every single sense. You can’t dodge bullets from every direction forever; one hits its mark or fatigue takes you instead, and you’re down for the count. Pan out; yes, that’s my body lying in the center. I can’t take another drop of heart, another pain of slow loss.

Everything I know is fading and I’m completely out of my mind. In essence, my heart is breaking. I feel everyone around me who once called me friend, who put any type of trust in me, taking bits of all that they had entrusted in me back, slowly but entirely too rapidly for me to stomach. I feel like I’m failing; I’m not doing a good enough job and I have no idea what changed everything. I’m watching the faces that used to look forward to seeing me fade away, and I am clueless. When did I become this forgettable? I’m no one to be missed.

I’m trying to be the sunshine everyone counted on me for. It’s hard when I’m failing. Did I change, or did my light just get old? I’m unwavering; lack of mystery leads to lack of excitement. Holding on is a chore, too much pressure for young life. I never wanted to be down and out, and I’m fighting gravity every step of the way. Optimism never gives up if you never lose sight of it.

I want to save everyone. There’s so much I wish I could say, and so many people I want to help, but I’m scared to extend my hand if they won’t grasp its hold. I’m watching you kill your outlook and justify the dark clouds. You’re hot and cold, and I’m trying, but the closed emotions are a slap in the face. You just forgot about me when the fun faded away and sorry sunk in. You’re my rock and I’m terrified new faces will thrill you away. You disappeared. One sentence for a handful of people, and the pressure flies just a little straighter. I’m bursting with things to say, but ears are hard to come by these days.

Caution to live by: don’t push people away, and if they mean something to you, tell them as frequently as you can. I’m keeping my head above, but I’m lost at sea. I’m sick of the static and I need reassurance more than ever. But it’s nonexistent. I have to blaze my own trail; I’m fighting and I’m determined. I just want to live life carelessly like I could not so long ago. So much pressure, so many sources. I’ll figure this out. Maybe I’ll have help. Maybe people will prove forgetfulness is momentary.

But I’m not counting on it.