Association. 8/10/08

I’ve come to the realization that I associate dates with memory, a whole lot. I remember the dates of so many significant moments of my life. June 12, Honda Civic Tour, the day I feel to the point of no return in love with music. November 16, I met TAI and Cobra Starship. September 21, I let loose for one day and met a best friend. I could go on like this for days. This fine day of August 10 pulls on a slightly painful nerve for me. One month has passed since the day I left for what would end up being the best week of my life. Driving on that long straight highway today, I was brought back to that day filled with so much joy, and I could help but feel a little tinge of pain mixed with the joy of the time. I miss it so much, today more than usual.

Now I’m sure this would’ve been a slight downer regardless of any other events going on in my life, but naturally, my life would throw other slightly suckish things into the mix to bring usually happy me into a rare funk at least for today. Oh right, I should probably elaborate since you’re not conveniently chilling inside my brain to read my thoughts. Today was also the day I had to say goodbye to my sister and brother. We packed up the car and braved that one-hour drive to Muncie, moving my sister’s things into her room efficiently and grabbing a bite to eat and Scotty’s, the family favorite. I got to see my brother’s house, which I was pretty excited for. Honestly, I was more excited to see my brother though; he moved out in late July and I missed him a lot.

Today rendered me once more sibling-less at home, and it forced me to realize a lot. I miss my sister so much, so much more than I should have to. I didn’t spend the time with her that I should have this summer. I didn’t spend the time with ANY of my family that I should have this summer. I hate that it took me till just now to notice that. Sure, during the summer the thought crossed my mind, but I figured I’d find the time eventually. I want my family to know I love them, and what a job I did of showing that this summer. I will do better this coming school year; this I am vowing right now. It’s not too late, so in that I can find some consolation. So now I’m stuck at home with no siblings and a long distance love to miss the hell out of, and what else do I have staring me in the face? Why, nothing but the joys of SCHOOL, starting in a short two days.

I am absolutely not ready for it. The only comfort I have found is that the sooner it starts, the sooner it can end. I’m so glad it’s my senior and last year; I couldn’t handle much more. So many people at school just drive me insane. I feel really different than most people there. Older, in a way, but also younger in my innocence. I’m ready for a change of pace, and I think college will bring that. More than anything, I want a change of scenery in some way. I’m hopeful, though, that I’ll come out of this day, and moreover, this school year, on top. I just have to be a patient, good little girl. I think I can do it. I know I can do it.

I guess I can find comfort in the fact that all those sources of distress above also bring me so much happiness. I have love in all its forms, and people in my life that I’d never trade for anything. I have so much. So much is enough, more than enough to get me through any hard day. I know I’ll wake up tomorrow, and I’ll feel better. I have every reason to smile, so despite the pain, I will keep smiling.

Life is beautiful.