Finally.

I'm riding this high as long as it'll let me, because being independent feels better and tastes sweeter than it ever has before. Months have passed since my dependence lied only in me, and I alloted the majority share to an outside source. I lived and loved and had a good time, but time came and went and I found myself living in a makeshift state, dreaming up my dependency into something more than a friendly shoulder. Today, I found it inside me to let the pretty pictures and dreams fade, and I feel so much better because of it. I don't have to rely on you anymore, and I realized I don't want to.

For well over a month now I've been telling myself that there's a chance what I'd hoped in would come around, that I just had to be patient. I missed the times I used to know and a part of me held out hope that they would resurface with an epiphany or loose sentence. But the epiphany is mine, and it's far from those hopes. This isn't changing, and I don't want it to. You didn't treat me like I deserved at all, as much as I liked to tell myself the opposite. You aren't serious, and your inability to hold a serious coversation or face serious matters is something I can't handle as more than your friend. I am not wholly dependent. I just found a smile within me, something mine alone to share.

I don't feel the pull to read your texts instantly and respond to your every invitation. Beck and call, meet the past. I'm not holding onto you anymore. I'm not holding onto an idle hope anymore. I am holding ono the hope that I'll find what I'm looking for; the only difference is I'm almost completely sure it won't be in you. I made my mistakes with you after the fact in the form of a weekend and I needed that last mistake to know what I know now.

I realized that I absolutely love being your friend, and that's it. We'll always be friends, I think, because we're so alike, and I'll always care about you, but I know that's how it should stay. I am so thankful to have you in my life, and I appreciate everything you've been to me. I hope to always have you around as my friend, my good time buddy to live life to the fullest with. I admire your love of living and the happiness you always radiate, and I think you really are a great person. You do mean a lot to me, but now you don't mean more than you should anymore. I found a balance, finally.

My eyes are filling and my chest is aching, but it's relief and a complete release of unhappiness instead of grief that's causing them. I might cry in a matter of minutes; I'll cry because I'm done holding back tears as you pass me by time and time again. I'm done sitting on the sidelines as my best friend carouses and soaks in the joys of the teenage lifestyle. Count me in; I'm back on the field. My injuries are healed enough to get back in the game. I've pushed all hope at anything new away with the big sign on my forehead screaming of being emotionally unavailable.

I just tore it off, and I have my eye out. I'm done counting myself out; I'm only as good to other as I am to myself. So here is me, loving myself, and giving myself over to the life I live best, one full of sun without you as my sunshine. I want to find someone who will treat me more than right, and I have all the confidence in the world that I will.

Once upon a time I thought I found someone who could hold onto the thrill despite their counterpart being a nice girl, free of games. I didn't, but that's okay. That doesn't mean I don't have one coming. I feel it in my bones and my eyesight's never been clearer. I've felt this way before; last time I did, it endured and I released. I found you then. It's time to let you do your thing, but even more so, it's time I finally let myself do mine. No more interior hopes that you'll stay, no more smell on my pillow and no more only you. I'm free and I'm independent. I alone have all of me again.

I can finally speak the sentence I've been trying to mean for months. I'm over you.