Analyze Fights. 3/08

I don’t think I have the personality to take this. I’ve come to realize that I can’t handle fights. Sure, I’ve always known that I hated them, but lately, all I’ve been through has showed me that there’s a reason for that hatred. I can’t stand the uncertainty and miscommunication that go along with it. No one ever gets their feelings out in a fully civil matter. People cry. People get hurt. All you know as fact is brought into question. You want more than anything for everything to be okay. At least, I know I do. Any fight I get in, I spend the duration of it trying to end it. I don’t want the bitter feelings or anger. Why does it seem like everyone else just holds on to the anger?

I think I max out my anger capacity well below the average human. Therefore, I never stand my ground like I should. Maybe I should fight back, but I don’t have it in my heart to do that. I don’t want to fight the people that mean the most to me. I’d do anything to avoid it, to avoid spending every free minute where I find myself alone analyzing everything. I end up hurting relationships I didn’t need to, and bringing in people that shouldn’t be involved. Is it safer to bottle up your feelings, or to take them to someone you trust, knowing it is up to them to pass judgment on the situation? I’ve always found the latter to be true. I turn into a blubbering mess if I hold it in. It tears me up until I practically blurt it out to the first willing ear.

Sometimes, though, it’s scary to let everything you feel out. If the person you tell knows the source of your distress, some of your feelings might leak to them and stir up more problems. Is that a chance worth taking for emotional relief, when the aftereffects might possibly make everything worse than before? Who knows, really. There is no person who has come out of a fight without bruises and scars. It always leaves an impact on you. I wish I understood why fights had to happen, but I’m light years away from even touching the edge of understanding. If I let you into my life, I don’t want to lose you. If I tell you I love you, I mean it.

I don’t take words for granted. I don’t take even the smallest moments for granted. I would rather live for those times when we lived on top of the world, then focus on those short moments we fell out of touch just for awhile. Most of all, I want to move on from every single fight. No matter the outcome, I want it to be settled so that everyone involved can live with the consequences. It’s not over if it hasn’t totally ended. I want everyone to be able to be happy. Please, live your life without regrets, and live it having fun as much as possible. Make peace, and fight as few wars as you have to.

And of course, as always, the optimist in me prevails again.