I never would’ve noticed the man behind us in line. I was loading $175 of groceries onto the belt, juggling a hungry, tired baby, and sorting through coupons all at the same time. The man held only a ten dollar bill and a bunch of bananas. He was shabbily clothed, slow moving, soft spoken. The people behind him in line had insisted that he move in front of them due to his small purchase, and I felt instantly guilty that we had already started our large transaction when I noticed him. I went back to my business, dropping the baby snacks I had opened in desperation and the coupons I had clipped way too many of. My daughter decided she didn’t want to cooperate with my plan and bent over my shoulder, flashing the man a wide toothless smile and staring at him relentlessly until he acknowledged her existence. She waved both of her hands wildly at him and broke out in a chorus of baby babble. That flash of “ohmygosh my kid is probably annoying this poor man who already has to wait for our huge purchase and I wish this cashier would hurry and what is my husband doing and-“ The man reached out and waved a gentle finger at Layla, his face beaming. He complimented us on our sweet, beautiful daughter and how impressive her waving was. He asked her age and looked off, lost in thought. “They grow up so fast.”

I’ve heard this sentence approximately 1 thousand times since June. I’ve SAID this sentence 1 thousand times since June. But this man, who changed from unassuming and quiet to alight with joy, his words sunk into my bones. We were the PERFECT inconvenience- busy store, limited checkout lanes, HUGE purchase, coupons, loud baby. All he wanted to do was buy some bananas. He could’ve scoffed at us, tapped his feet, crossed his arms. Instead, he smiled at that loud baby and made her forget she was hungry and tired for a few minutes. To her, he was a friendly voice, a new face. He allowed a few extra minutes at the store to be a few extra minutes of happy.

I’m the first one to get caught up and overwhelmed by being busy. Lines annoy me. People annoy me. I wasn’t jazzed about waiting in line, making a huge purchase, and holding up the line for the people behind me. I wasn’t jazzed that we were going to get home at 7:30 and get our baby in bed late. I wasn’t jazzed to be spending so much money on groceries that were, albeit, necessary. I was a little embarrassed to be using multiple coupons with people behind me.

Starting a family is an adjustment. Your life becomes one ball of husbandkidmoneybillscleaningfooddogsfamilyobligationsstressworksleepmaybesometime. Constant fear that my kid will scream in church. Constant fear that someone in the room will get offended that I nurse my hungry baby in public. What will others think? Am I fitting the supermom mold?

That man at the store led me to flashbacks. The woman who stopped in the freezer aisle a week ago (We grocery shop a lot, okay?) and said “You have the most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen.” The sweet text a family member sent me about how well-adjusted and happy my daughter is. My mother-in-law telling me how great I look post-baby. My dad proudly displaying the massive box of diapers he bought for us with his Costco rebate.

Why do I spend my time worrying about inconveniencing other people, about “mom failing,” when everyone else sees nothing but a happy family? That kid makes me so proud I could explode. I love that she gets hangry like me and sleeps like her dad. The people I encounter see their daughter, niece, granddaughter, sister, cousin in Layla. They remember when someone they love was tiny.

Nothing brings joy like the wild, waving hands and wide smiles of a baby.

So to the man behind us in line, thank you for smiling and cooing at my daughter. Thank you for spending those minutes chatting and beaming. You’re right; time flies. And I’m going to make a conscious effort to spend that flying time on joy. 

September 25

One year ago, Trent and I spent a Friday evening laying in our bed, laughing hysterically.

I realized earlier that day that I could smell EVERYTHING at work and joked to a coworker, “I could be pregnant.” I stopped dead in my tracks; I really could be. We had started “trying,” so to speak, a few months prior. I walked through the door after work and told Trent I needed to take a pregnancy test. I took one, walked out of the bathroom, and we both went back in three minutes later. A plus sign. The word “pregnant” stared back at us next to a picture of a plus sign. We looked at each other. “Really? Do you think..?” I took another. Another plus sign. This is when the hysterical laughter in our bed kicked in. It was at least 7 pm before we went downstairs. His cousin called, and he begged to tell him. It felt insane to hear my husband speak the sentence “Hillary’s pregnant!” I did that instinctual belly touch. Trent talked to our mustard seed-sized baby. I googled everything. I spent the next morning reading “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.” We had dinner with my family that Saturday night, and my eagled-eyed mom and sister caught me turning down wine, so the news spilled out. We drove straight to tell Trent’s parents from there, and his mom screamed and cried.

A few weeks later, we had an ultrasound and our baby looked like a gummy bear. Its heart was beating, everything measured perfectly. I ordered a onesie for our nephew that said “I’m going to be a Big Cousin!” He wore it to our extended family Halloween party and the floodgates of the good news were wide open. I posted a picture of that tiny gummy bear online. I saw a doctor every four weeks. I had dreams about pregnancy and birth and parenting. The holidays came and I went from 10 weeks pregnant to 18 weeks pregnant in what felt like 5 minutes.

I got a text from my dad one day that said “You’re having a girl.” He told me all about his dream he’d had the night before about a beautiful blonde girl. She looked at him and said “I’m Layla.” He was adamant that our baby was his first granddaughter ever since. A few weeks later, with him right there in the room, a particularly unpleasant ultrasound tech popped “It’s a girl” on the screen and proved him right.

We turned a boring, empty room into the most beautiful, immaculate nursery. We painted the room sea blue and hung L A Y L A on the wall. We put purple sheets in her crib. Baby showers (with delicious cake) filled her closet with clothes and her shelves with books and toys. We had what felt like 800 baby swings, bouncers, chairs, and beds all over the house. I had to bend forward to see my feet. I felt tiny vibrations in my belly.

The tiny vibrations turned to jabs and rolls. I regularly thought I’d pee my pants (I somehow never did). I started going to the doctor every other week, then every week. On May 31^st, 2016, my very no-nonsense (and amazing) doctor said “Your blood pressure isn’t terrible, but it isn’t great. She’s fully developed and there’s no use keeping her in. How’s tomorrow sound to have a baby?”

I ate a protein bar at 6 am on June 1^st. I got dressed and fed my dogs. We got in the car and made the familiar drive to Community North. We got to our room, and a nurse told me to go ahead and get my gown on. I paused for her to leave, and my husband looked at me with a smile, “I think you can go ahead and get changed, babe.” Oh yeah. She’s going to see all that today. Hm. Okay! I got an IV. Contractions were mild and I was comfortable. We spent the morning watching daytime TV with our moms. They broke my water. I had contractions two at a time. My amazing nurse assured me that an epidural would be a breeze. 20 minutes later I learned that she was a beautiful, truth-telling angel sent from heaven. I closed my eyes. I felt painless sensations with every contraction. They grew more pronounced, and I knew it was time. They told me I pushed for over an hour, but it felt like 10 minutes. My doctor held my baby and all I could say was “Oh my God.” My husband cut her cord. A nurse said “Happy Birthday Layla.” My angel nurse stayed 30 minutes past the end of shift to see our baby girl.

My daughter was born almost 4 months ago, but I became a mom one year ago today when I saw that plus sign. Those hysterical giggles were filled with disbelief, fear, and overwhelming excitement. God trusted me with a blonde baby girl named Layla (and apparently told my dad that before me)!

Every mom has their story, whether trying, expecting, or experienced. Whether having a family is easy or difficult, brand new or 50 years in. Every mom had joy, pain, pride, fear, sickness, doubt, and love.

This is mine. And I thank God for all 365 days of it. 

Love.

Brandon,

I’m sure you get stories like this every day, but as silly as it is, I felt like sharing mine with you. In a little over 2 months, I’m marrying my God- given gift, my fiancé Trent. I met Trent at church, of all places, at the Great Banquet, a Christian retreat. His mom literally had to force me outside of my comfort zone to talk to him- she grabbed my arm and dragged me over to be introduced to him. The rest is a history that’ll be writing itself for the rest of our lives. The night Trent took me on our first date, I went home and wrote this:

http://heyyhill.blogspot.com/2012/09/goodnight-and-hello.html

 I’ve known Trent was the one for me since that first date. So many couples today set their love story to the tune of top 40 radio, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Instead, Trent and I fell in love listening to KLOVE and Christian country artists like Darius Rucker and Josh Turner... and you. We went to your concern with Matt Maher at Northview Church in Noblesville, IN, and in the weeks before and after, we shared stories about our grandpas as Paul Brown Petty played and planned our future home and kids alongside Love Will Be Enough. We found inspiration through The Light In Me and opened ourselves to God’s continued plans for us in the words of Wait and See. Our time together has been an adventure, and I love every day with Trent. I know you’re a newlywed yourself, and I can’t even imagine how exciting life is right now. Just know that you’re cordially invited to our wedding- October 3, 2014 at the Indianapolis Zoo- where I’ll be walking down the aisle to your song Love Never Fails. 

You likely hear it every day, but your music sets the soundtrack to so many people’s lives. Thank you for the role you’ve played in mine.

"Where it's you and me, baby, in the daffodils, kids growing up in the rollings hills, and love will be enough for us."

All it took was a trip down memory lane and some sweet words to soothe my fears.

I've been somewhere too. I've made memories already that I'd rather have forged with you. It's a sad reality of age and growth that at this point in our lives, we will have shared parts of it with someone else. At some point, someone else held our time, someone else had our devotion. This is a natural part of learning exactly what it is we want for the rest of our lives. You and I, we learned by trial and error. We suffer bitter ends and gave several years. I wish I could get mine back, sometimes. Others? I thank God for every minute. I learned so much about myself, about the things I want and don't want. I learned never to skimp on passion. I learned to be selfish with what you need and endlessly generous with what you have to give. If you love someone, give them your everything. If they're worth it, you'll give it without a fight, even though it is the most terrifying experience to lose yourself. The best part? You'll have all of them. Together, you're a team, complete, happy, and owners of everything you need.

I need to thank you. My anxiety heightens at the thought of you, but I owe you for the man I know now. I know you'd never want to, but I wish you could see us. It's effortless, and every time I see him, it's like Christmas morning. His face in the window, I run from my car, forgetting everything I own. You deserve every inch of happiness; I just wish you'd quit running to him to try to find it. Your past is past for a reason, and that which is broken is better left on a shelf. Even if repaired, it'll never be strong enough to hold up against everyday use. You will be happy. You will be filled with a joy that only the One can provide. Give up the past and find him. He's waiting. You deserve it.


God is teaching me how to let go. God is teaching me how to humble myself. Most importantly? God is teaching me how to understand. This future is going to be filled with love so beautiful I can't picture it yet. God gave me a family, and I fully intend to hold onto it, grow it, and never take advantage of it. I want this life with you, and I'll do whatever it takes to keep it.

Thank you for loving me, for letting God shape you into the perfect man for me. I can only pray that God continues to build me into the woman that makes your dreams come true.

Patience.

"Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21

As I study patience, my mind fades away. I'm in desperate need of these lessons and my mind needs focus. So I come here.

God, I want so much, and I want it all now. Why is it that I can't make my mind slow and enjoy the now? The moments I cherish fly by, the hours of work and obligation stretch for days. It hardly seems fair, but I know this is what you're trying to teach me, to delight in everything I do. I need to praise you in my work. I need to thank you in my joy. It's so easy to say thank you for the good, for the gifts you've given me. Why then do I forget to thank you for the blessing of a balanced life, for 40 hours a week to devote to making a living? These words I read are jumping off of the page and into my heart. Reading can't begin to cover everything I need to learn.

Patience is a virtue I've lost sight of. Patience for 8 hour days, patience when I'm away from the ones I can't get enough of. You've given me a passion for loving with everything I have, and I get carried away. Help me to cherish the time between with the moment of togetherness in mind.

Keep my eyes focused on you; help me to see that everything in this life only magnifies the loving grace you've undeservedly given to me. I've never loved You more, and I never want to love you less. Help me to pass it on, to love like You do.

Thank you for the obligations, for learning new things, and honestly, for patience. Thank you for my struggle, for your power is made perfect in my weakness. Help me to boast in it and be humbled so that everything I say and do can point to the God who loves me.

At least once a week, I write about you. Every time, I'm even more amazed that you're in my life. Can I have this forever? A girl can only dream.

I am so scared of the power you hold.

You told me you loved me first, and I laughed. What does this boy know in a whiskey state of mind? My thoughts began racing, and I knew I wanted to say it back. We'll talk about it in the morning. I was too scared to ask if you meant it, and I went on holding my breath.

A few favorite poisons and a several late nights later, your eyes are on my screen and my source is revealed. I pick one, and one line in, you repeat yourself. You repeat a part of yourself that is several nights removed and front and center in my mind. I think I ask twenty times if you mean it.

You love me?

The next day it drops as you help me pass a test. You carry my weight and show me your world. I can't wait to fire into the sky, and I make a joke of your sweet words. I can swear to you that I cherish them.

It's my least favorite and cherished ritual, and goodbye has come again like a harsh profanity. My state of mind is clear, unaltered, and I'm terrified once again at the words behind my teeth. You know, and you ask, but at long last you say those words again. I whisper my reply in your ear, afraid it's your idea of a joke. You hold me tight and I know.

You love me.

I'm still afraid to tell you that I love you, still afraid that you aren't real. I love you with every inch, and I am absolutely terrified. It's so soon and you have complete reign. My mind is set to forever, and should you pull away, I'm not sure how I'd cope. I think I need you and I've never wanted to need anyone. Stay.

I hope you never stop loving me.

I could never stop loving you.

Ordinary? No.

Me and you.

I can't believe it's two weeks in and I'm biting my lips to hold back strong words. Everything you do leaves me amazed; everything you say makes the color in my checks rise. A gentleman, an unselfish lover, a leader. Who would've guessed from a glance across the room? Your force is magnetic and I need you more than I'm willing to admit.

I think back to the days I was scared to near your table, scared to offer you something to drink. I had to look my best, though I was sure I'd never get close to you. I had a chance, and I ran like a scared little kid. It took a literal pull to get me face to face with you, and I was certain I forgot how to breathe. I couldn't get more than 5 words out before I had to run, scared again, hitting myself internally. I lost my chance! But I came home to a message, and this message turned to a stream, and soon enough, I wasn't afraid to look into your eyes. It started with a marathon day stretched into my reality. Now, you are my favorite pillow.

I'm dying to unfold what I'm revealing. My lungs are sure to burst if I don't sing it soon. I'm so scared of what you do to me, but I've never loved anything more.

Already, I've never loved anyone more.

I want to write every night about you, baby, until you're laying right beside me.

At least once a day, I check my sources. You're real, but I never imagined it possible. I'm breathless at your smile, unable to draw breath when I realize it's me you're smiling at.

There's so much lying beneath those lines, so much I want to know. Where have you been? It's safe to say it could be anywhere and I would stay firmly in place. I'm aching to fall asleep to you. Hands in my hair, mine on your back. I've felt perfection and I don't want to digress. Stay with me.

Bursting at the seams. All it is, is you, with me.

My cheeks are reddened to a sunburn mother nature couldn't give me. You do this to me. I don't want to wait until I can see you again, and the anticipation burns skin deep. You're near.

I'm in awe of your smile. I don't understand why you're in my focus, but you insist on making me feel beautiful. You do this to me.

The way your teeth point makes my breath quicken. The way you pause makes my breath stop. I swear my heart beats ragged just as long as you're around, but I breathe with ease.

My breathing differs from message tone to the silence in between. Stay.

I just have a feeling; you are where I want to be.