I'll listen.

Never say never.

But why? Why do we put so much on the line by always leaving doors open? We vow to never say never, to never condone or completely wish something away. What about the things in our lives that need to be willed away? Should I say never say never to heartbreak ten times over and the avalanche one loss caused me? I will say never. Only God and I know what face I smashed into the concrete of open door loss. But this is merely a realization at random.

I'm so sick of situations forcing realizations. I want to be a force on someone else. I'm sick when I see the months you spent happy amount to pennies kept in a jar right beside nothing. Is the slate really kept clean? Is this force really powerful enough to let you forget what it was like to forget it for awhile? I can't even fathom what's going on in that heart of yours, but just a few short hours ago you let go of one chapter of your life, and already you are so eager to reread the one that always has been your favorite. It's like you're one of those people that can't read an entire book; you skip to the end, but you don't find out whether the ending caught its happily ever after.

You don't know how bad I've always wanted to save you from this. You don't know how badly I've always wanted to save you from her. I wish you could know how hard it was for me not to follow you out that door, to turn you around. I know the way she dances in your downcast eyes, but I've never seen them sparkling quite the way they do when she's spinning amber circles through your vision. I wanted to lay down on the grass and do nothing but listen to absolutely everything you need an ear for. I wanted to do nothing but listen and think of any way I have stored in my mind to help; I wanted just to simply be there, be a best friend. It's not coincidence that I was halfway to you when the world came down, and I want you to know that you can sit beside me.

Three hundred and fifty days a year, give or take, I do what I can with the limitations that have proven so cruel, but for these next six that I have, I'm prepared to give you every piece of my mind or heart that you need, with the ability to hand deliver them. Do you know how amazing it feels, not having to miss you? Nothing compels a heart to care quite like the memory of everything you've been to me, and everything you mean to me. No matter how long silence may stretch or vision may strain, the title of best friend is one I don't revoke. I'll always be here for you. You know I'd do anything to hear that laugh that I've always found so endearing.

You're stronger than you ever get credit for, and as the saga rolls, you can count on me to be a constant. Keep letting yourself feel that refreshingly honest emotion you let loose. It'll save you, and I know you'd do anything to keep yourself strong. You've got a lot of willing help to keep you company. I love you; rest easier. You're doing more than just fine, you've done damn good. Never let that fight in you fade.

Deserved.

Is it strange to say that when I know that you're happy, it brightens my day. Genuinely. Not in the way most people say, "Your happiness is my happiness." No. It's a subconscious motion comparable to moodiness and surprise, for lack of better terms of comparisons. Things you can't help but feel. Air you can't help but breathe. You are a part of my very core. And with that same happiness, when I find out I played a role in it, I wonder how I got so lucky. It's overwhelming how, in a single moment reading your words or seeing your sideways smile behind a green can, I can feel so honored to be a part of your life. Honor. It means something these days, contrary to popular belief. Honor stands where cigarette butts and fat bottomed tears fall. Where dress sizes shrink and so do calories. The honor to stand by someone as rare as you is nothing I can hold a mirror to. It's an image that doesn't reflect negatively when otherwise your hair looks all wrong, or teeth, yellowy.

And when you're less than best, I feel like I'm failing. Nothing compares to watching someone you love more than most cry, or hearing them say that no one could ever understand. But I do my best to pat backs and even when the dialect is far from the one I'm accustomed to, I try. I don't care if I'm stripped of sense and reading Braille, or deaf to screaming emotions. It's the least I can do just to live up to that honor I felt at your heights. It's my job, but I don't drive to the office dreading every hours of busily stapling paperwork. It's the kind of job you wake up excted about. Like roadtripping for a career, or skydiving in space. Even when your car breaks down or our air helmet's leaking, it beats replacing empty cartridges and kicking copiers. Never a chore, never a demand. I don't drag my feet. Instead, I skip like we so often do. Fancy living. I'd sing if I knew your fist was out of reach, say it with a smile. If you can't beat up your best friend, what's left? I don't intend to find out. After all, you've never left a bruise. It's like letting me win at pool. Your compassion shows more often than you know.

In the face of it all, the times we just hold on and the times life can't touch us, I always feel the challenge to fight for not only my own happiness, but yours as well. It's a selfless brand of friendship when it comes down to it, and I'll never know what I did to deserve the neverending hilarity and unconditional love. As I sat down to begin, your words only solidified everything in my mind. You would do anything in your power to help me, and I know I would do the same for you. There's slow points and times where breath is hard to find. But believe me when I say that this is never changing: I understand, and I love you. Always, no matter what. Because you have paid me the same courtesy more times than there are stars.

You're my best friend and you mean everything to me, all the time.

Pulling Pranks.

I bet whatever you're experiencing is so much better than an invisible diploma and a handful of dropped marbles. There's not a doubt in my mind that you're planning the ultimate prank, one that will be the perfect balance of hilarity and annoyance, and the best part is that all God will do is laugh. Laugh next to you, pat you on the back, and smile at your creativity. He'll appreciate your gifts, encourage the individuality we all know and love. I bet the big man upstairs can take a joke with the best of them.

Thompson's never seen so many tears from me. Sun glares and cop lights are identical twins behind my clouding lenses.

Sensitive.

I really don't know who I am right now. My suspicions that I'm constantly off somehow are confirmed by words of closest friends. Prone to sensitivity where I'm used to being scapegoat, I don't know where the usual brand of laughter went. Comments go to heart. Is it just me, or are they more frequent? Neither would surprise me. At times I feel attacked and others, I just feel like I'm taking everything the wrong way. I could consider a healthy balance, but that wouldn't seem to make much sense. I want to say I'm sorry, but I feel like I've been saying that too much lately. I feel like someone needs to share the fault. I don't know. I'm scatterbrained; what else is new. I think I just need a pat on the back and some encouragment. I think I'd like to see a smile at something I did right rather than an overdone reprimand at one of my faults. But then again, who doesn't want that.

And yet, I'm still so happy. I'm still having so much fun. I have trips and summer and four years of generally pointless schooling behind me in a matter of days. I'm constantly excited, and I smile a lot. Even though I have no idea what's happened to aspects of me lately, I'm happy. Life is always good. The sun is getting hotter everyday; it's still shining through my window and the sky is playing at nine o'clock. I'm worried about changes and ecstatic about changes. All I know is that I want the future more than anything, but first, I'd like relationships and my sensitivity (And maybe others' lack of it? I don't know) to fall back into place. Faith, I'm holding out. Live.

A Year In The Life.

A year in the life in a matter of a series of sentences. Seems like a hard thing to do, right? There's no WAY a person could sum up the crazy events of twelve months within the limits of a handful of sentences. Well, I found a way. Minus details, minus tangents and stories and small moments, this is the bare bones of it all. This is what seemed to be, I won't say most important, but most pressing at the time it was occurring. This is a year in the life.

Distance is daunting. You thrill me. We're shameless.
We have gone sunsets and sunrises without disconnecting.
I'm here. This is better than I ever dreamed. You are my dream.
I love you, sweetheart. I miss you more than anything. I'll be there before you know it.
Why did we have to fall apart? Time never was on our side.
Life is fun. So are you.
You're mine. You make my heart race.
What are you so afraid of? I can't keep up.
Try, try, try, try, try again. Why do we do this to ourselves?
Hurt and love. Love and lose. Lose and gain. Gain and hurt.
Break the cycle. Heal. Nothing should hold me back.
Independence never tasted so good.

Honestly, it wasn't so hard at all to sum it all up, mainly because I know that inbetween and within the different items were single moments, people, and places that I will never forget. I look back to this same day a year ago and remember where I was at, and I'm amazed at how different the person I am now is from the May 11, 2008 me. The experiences above made me the happiest I've been, taught me what it was like to hurt, made me, broke me, and saved me. I'm crazy, but I'm not done.

It makes me the tiniest bit sad how primary the force of relationships and all that come with them were in my life. Did my life really revolve around finding happiness in a boy that much? I won't sit here and say that I'm sorry for the time I spent and the people I spent it with. I will say, however, that I can count on this year to be different. Falling in love doesn't necessarily make you any happier. Having a constant male interest doesn't make life any more worth living. If there's anything I've learned not in the past year, but more in the past month, it's that I can be happy in any situation. Even when life is tearing apart and life seems littered with nothing but pain, the sun shines on me. I find it.

I used to take advantage of that gift, and I don't intend to any longer. Hurt over relationships when only a borderline adult seems silly when I can be living life next to best friends with big plans and bigger hearts. This, to me, is a beautiful, happy life. Having someone to call a cheesy name and kiss on the cheek may be fun, but it's inessential. I am good enough on my own. I am complete. I'm looking for something complementary, not a completion, and I'm in no hurry. So many people spend valuable months of their young lives hurting. Count me out of that game. I'm living to smile. I'm living to laugh. Is that so much to ask? I know it's not.

Looking to be proved wrong is a more positive force than looking to be proved valuable.

I am alive, I am.

I just need to say that I missed days like today. Days when I looked forward to spending most of my time at home, as long as a few hours of it were spent beside people I care about. I missed knowing who those people were. It really is hard to describe my state of mind, my state of being all around. Something changed, and I'm in no hurry to reverse its efforts. The day I discovered your life had come to an end was the day I stopped living mine in the past. Well, maybe I took my sweet time remembering the few hours I spent with you, but I think that's healthy in such a case. But I did move forward in the way of what I was holding onto. No past pain is worth a grip on your heart; nothing should have a singular grip on your livelihood. With mood swings and snaps at people that love me, it took a lot to figure out as everything I've been and everything I could be flashed before my eyes.

Your name lit up my phone, like I've grown accustomed to daily viewing. You, I want to keep. An angel, a blessing. I hope I can ever help you as much as you have me. The days I've spent with you are far outnumbered by the times I've thanked every star in heaven for you in my life. The conversation never will dry up, and neither will food for our ever overthinking minds. You, my day-to-day constant; you I can't even begin to describe. I never could know life without you in it and I never plan to. Thanks for bearing with me through the turmoil of the week. Thank you even more for sharing not only the joy, but the pain with me. I couldn't get through most things without you, and I'm glad you feel that you can expect the same from me. I got testy this week, and you called me out on my shit. Everyone needs someone like that. Lucky I have you; you're a gift I'm convinced no one else could receive. The word lucky doesn't even begin to describe the way I feel when it comes to you as my other half.

I was surprised to discover that you crossed my mind the second it sunk in. You were the remaining third of the people in this state that felt the pain, and I couldn't stop my mind from hoping you were okay. Your words that day, the first message, meant a lot to me. I'm sorry it had to take this to realize that nothing is worth holding onto when someone matters to you, but I'm glad you were there. I'm glad today I could smile like old times with you. People like us never should fall away for good like we tried to. I've realized in all this that I always will consider you close to me, and I look forward for more good times like today. When everything is brought into perspective, it's amazing what you notice has worth in your eyes. I couldn't be happier that you reached out. I see good things coming.

Strangely enough, all of this brought a pull in my heart first of all to you, but after a few hours, the effects reversed. You're one of those things that isn't worth the stress and constant captivation of my thoughts. Living is a gift, as I so well know by now, and I know I can't live it fully when I'm caught up in something like the mess I had myself in. The danger in the way you live, the poison in the air you breath out; it's going to be toxic to me if I don't practice moderation or separation. It was an unspoken clean cut that I'd been seeking. It always was something no one understood. Did I ever really understand it? I know I didn't, and it's okay. The fun lights up my memory and the friendships I take away are something I wouldn't trade.

This isn't a send off. This isn't a cold shoulder. It's an acceptance of what I can be, and an acceptance of how it should be. This is making sense of the past, and from here on out, having a happy future as a result of it. The beauty is overwhelming when I look forward. I think you're smiling down on me right now. You're the lingering ray of sunshine as the sun sets. I promise happiness, true happiness, in my future because of all the things you've brought into my mind. I'm seeing so clearly. After some offhand silly items and a little more than pocket change, I'm smiling so wide even as a bump rises in my throat. I hope tears say not only that I'm sad that you're gone, but that I'm so happy you've shown me that my life is a gift. I'm going to fight for what matters and let go of everything that's holding me back.

I'm alive. My catchphrase. I'm going to mean it everyday for you.