Unravel.

Sense unexpected. I was always too embarrassed to let myself go before you. Time seems so short and already you have me begging for my lost control and yearning to lose it completely. I’m surrounded by temptation, and the free samples in white paper cups taste so good. I am helpless. I held myself up as something precious; guess your ease was meant to kick my pedestal out from under me. You test my will power, and it’s not strong enough. With every new day it slips away a little more, one more glide heightens my sense. Cloth one inch up, skin next to skin is too warm to resist in the winter.

Panic always sets in when the safety zone envelops the space around it. Desire in my mind clothes panic in excitement; it wears the uniform well. I can’t resist you. Somehow you’re patient enough and my virtue lies firmly within me still. Let me gather the strength to keep it until I know you’ll keep it safe. Not your first with last up to chance, I need your heart. You’re already changing before my eyes and I’m proud of the model you are. Time will tell me. I need to last, to watch the clock tick. All you’ve done for me, it’s mounting. You have little left to prove. This feeling means something to be nagging so soon. Don’t disappoint me; don’t prove me wrong.

Maybe meant to be is slightly drunk and dressed up in tattoos.

Failed Intention

The sun shines after every thunderstorm. My earth should be cracking from drought. Where was my thunderstorm? I felt the sprinkle of rain, but the downpour evaded me. The last one I saw is now months removed and inhabiting my car radio. I am the lush green front lawn in the middle of endless summer sun. I am your neighbor breaking water rations. My property is green, kept, and blooming with flowers, too selfish to lack what another could enjoy.

Outsiders looking in don’t admire. The reminder just hurts and rips at the edge of the permanent scab you’re scratching at as you picture the dry brown dirt and yellow peach fuzz grass you call home. I smile and wave as you pass. What a good person. With a childlike intent, I’ll leave my emerald grasses for barren lawns surrounding. My aid is a tin watering can to nourish forty acres. A patch of green grass one foot around is all I have to show for hours of time. I walk home to my fresh flowers and green grass.

What a helper. What a pal. Unintentionally, I am the perpetual smiling jerk.

Unexpected and Sudden.

It's trickling in, and it's a slow leak, but it's inevitable that the laughing gas will spread and fill the room. One by one, friends breathing deeply to get by take in a pleasant surprise. Instant smiles, say goodbye to pain. Either the things that kept us down weren't as daunting as they seemed five minutes ago, or some magical force is throwing them out of our lives. Our own strength accounts for the first; we owe the second to some chance miracle. I like to live somewhere in between points A and B.

We all get by using a strength we didn't know we had, but everyone needs a little help. I've looked in the faces of mine, blonde-headed and violently refreshing. No one’s ever been so lucky or complete in external sources. I have escaped into places rich with green and wet leaves. Now my soul’s drenched with its rainfall and sunshine. Escape to the most unexpected places, I’ve met my salvation in a change of pace.

The Way We Talk.

She's fresh to death,
She'll be the death of you,
Seduction leads to destruction.
She's fresh to death,
She'll be the death of me,
She's fresh; she's fresh,
but not so clean.

Cute face slim waist,
She's got 'em in a craze,
Yeah I think he's going crazy.
When she speaks it makes me grind my teeth,
Yet he still thinks she's amazing.
And she's been playing games
Ever since '98
Shallow is as shallow does, yeah
Some people never change.

And she's so fine
She thinks she's so damn fine.
She might be fine,
But she ain't worth a second of your time.

You're as fake as the moans you make.
You're as weak as the hearts you break.
You're as fake as the moans you make,
So just give us, give us a little break.
Come on and give me a break.

Sex sells,
And your sex cells make all the lost boys drool.
Cause you're a dime,
But they'll have to wait in line,
Until one of them makes it two of you.
Cute face slim waist,
You still got 'em in a craze,
Yeah I think I'm going crazy.
I have a long list of things to say,
But I'll leave it at,
You amaze me.

Today as I sat in class writing out song lyrics to numb boredom, I realized that this girl exists. This girl is more than just lyrics on a page or the music of The Maine; she is epitomized in the very beings and souls of that one girl we all know and secretly (or not so secretly) hate. She is out there, breathing the same air and making the same friends. Like all the same girls of her kind, this leading lady has a carefree attitude and spirit to match. Carefree- so often a word carrying a positive connotation of a generally enjoyable, lighthearted person. In her case, however, she is quite literally free of care. Not only does she have that lovable, whimsical edge, but she is also equipped with a selfish mentality. This girl could care less in the end about the havoc she wreaks.

Carefree and careless, she is a deadly combination of everything that is sweet and everything that is intoxicating. I've seen men and boys go out of their way to walk in her footprints left in the snow, just to have her turn around and hurl words as carelessly as a child's snowball fight. Oh, but our girl is far from your average popularity-hungry leading bitch. They're nothing next to her; they're too outright and brutally honest in nature. She's sly and conniving, but you'd never know until her outstretched foot leads to your face plant. Instead, she volunteers at soup kitchens and opens doors for the elderly. Nearly age eighteen, barely adult, but I am no senior citizen- her door closes in my face.

All the while, she is plotting her next scheme with a smile on her face. If she's good, it's subconscious; she cooks with venom as if it were syrup. Once she's in too deep, in for life, this girl showers hurt as she goes through her day. No longer an effort required, all around are done for. Future best friends and hopelessly devoted lovers beware. She'll reduce you to less than human before you see the warning signs.

Peer regard, well, hers is as deep as its surface. She tears the hearts of hopeless boys to shreds and goes about life like her dagger wasn't the one that left the scars. Who gave her the right to go around happy-go-lucky while her victims bleed out? But she's always enabled. She wouldn't dream of being a self-proclaimed attention whore, no, that would mean she failed. Attention falls at her feet as willingly as the same lost boys fall to her whims. Hooked without hope of coming up for air, they settle for drowning in her blessing-disguised curses. You poor boy. You'll be too busy drooling to be ashamed enough to admit everyone's staring. All of us watching can only hope that you break her hypnotic spell. But you're no superhuman, and she's so strong. You'll be righting as long as you're in her clutches, and you better believe that the odds are dramatically not in your favor.

Don't cry, hopelessly addicted boy, your baby girl isn't only hurting you. Fun fact about our number one lady: she can never keep a best friend. This girl is the type that sets a relationship on fire in a beautiful way just to torch its foundation when her attention span looses focus. Her friendships don't usually end with the rumors and bitter feuds of your average high school girl, however. Ex best friends become just friends, and in most cases bad vibes don't cause a fuss. She's so good, good enough to have drifting away down to a fine art. Her ambiguous, open-ended nature makes her impossible to fully understand, so no one can have the pleasure of securing a place in her life. This is her defense. She wants to be intriguing; it draws her victims in. That same characteristic that hooked them will fray the edges of their friendship with her, ultimately unraveling to nothing worth buying anywhere but a flea market.

Oh but you'll envy her. She'll have no trouble finding someone to spend weekends with while you sit at home companionless. She doesn't long for a deep connection, only a sidekick. Anyone else would be marked, mentally noted as that one person who uses other people. But this is again why baby girl's a pro. In ways I cannot understand, she's made it possible to use and throw away, while still appearing to be the world's leading environmentalist. We justify what she does as recycling and going green with our backs turned to her backyard landfill.

With her serial nature, so many will be caught up in her charm. It's a shame to watch innocence jaded against its owners knowledge, yet she doesn't spare a passing thought. She overestimates their free will, but they are captive. It's only her unsilenceable "What's next?"s that free her slaves. Some will pine for her rule over them when she's gone. It's the nature of her spell- they're broken to unbreakable and completely masochistic. Like kidnapped children, their captor's lines are impossible to call lies. Years of therapy from patient new friends is their only hope to a full recovery.

Sometimes I wonder if she has a heart. Does she go to sleep at night and feel remorse at all the innocent bystanders she's dragged to the scene of the crash? They've all seen the battered aftermath, and their minds will never be the same. Yet she is still seemingly untouched. Life is beautiful and her mind still bears a childlike innocence she just can't bear to weigh down with guilt. I don't think she'll ever change. Will one of her former minions rise up and call her out? A select few are onto her games, but most of them have never been charmed by her. This song sings her story and brave mouths resist her. But she's winning the battle she hardly has to fight.

I see her for who she is. I have no doubts that she has blinded me in some of her forms, but I am not fooled. Hiding behind rosy cheeks and words of peace and love, she's up to no good. Everybody's best friend is my worst nightmare. She is the double meaning behind heroin(e). You are addicted but you think she saved you. Little do you know that in reality, being free of her is all that will save you.

You out there blushing, don't be ashamed. She is in everyone's life, and you're not her only victim. You weren't her first, and there will be a next. No, she's not sorry, and it's 99% likely she never will be. Feeling sorry for yourself won't help. The best you can do is leave her to memory. Someone like her will bring nothing but confusion and heartache, and your hurting won't be reciprocated. So drag your body out of the streets and let a passerby tend to your wounds. Chances are they'll know you need more than the decorated Band-Aids your girl, your weakness, always used to patch you up. You're not defeated, and you don't need revenge. She won't learn; she doesn't regard you as teacher.

Focus instead on new life free of baby girl. You deserve more than her and she knows that. She'll try to reel you back in when she sees you are finally healing from her hurt. Have the strength to resist. If you've fallen back in, it's not too late to stop falling. Break a cycle; save your livelihood. You aren't hers to use. In the end, you won't be special to her, because she'll find someone else to play with. It hurts, but it's better to admit weakness than to remain weak.

Your heart isn't weak but that doesn't make her strong. She's fresh to death comes first, but don't forget that last line: she's not so clean. Making you go crazy isn't a positive trait, and as amazing as she is, she'll always be as fake as the moan she makes. Girl, please, give us a little break. We're done with you and your addictive ways.

But yet, some of us will still be poisoned. Consider yourself warned.

Time And Experience.

Lack of fresh thought eludes my posting track record. I get tired of writing about the same thing, everyday; I am cut down by the repetition of thought. Sure, I could pull out from my mind the beauty I saw in the moment when the first snow flurried, or the hatred I felt soon after at the cold it brings. But I love to write from fire, and I’m waiting for one mental wildfire to burn itself out. For those who are now sporting question marks over your heads, I’m fine; don’t worry about anything. Time just has a way of bringing perspective.

I have to embrace the fact that age brings experience, both positive and negative. Today, I fell into a mood. It’s one that’s not a stranger, one I’ve come to expect periodically. It’s deeply contemplative, about nearly everything in life. It’s times like these that I am dying to vocalize. So I do, and I write in a secret place for no eyes to see. I do close a part of me off; it’s my pride. I would be too embarrassed to have really much of anyone know exactly what is crossing my mind. It’s one thing to ponder, and another when it’s unreturned. So I stick to the all-elusive I have found a comfort zone in. I give a taste without throwing what I feel in the cause’s face. All appearances are kept; all guards remain firmly build, foundation unshaken.

Oh it is taboo to utter this sentence after eluding to the less than positive, but I will say the forbidden words in the form of this: I am happy. Happy that nine is a new personal favorite number, a reflection of my gift of words. I learned today that I will do this for the rest of my life. Completely enamored with words and speaking voices, I lay my head down to a day of realizations.

I wrote another edition of a letter to you, but I also further buried your memory. I felt anger at the loss of the primetime of youth, but I also felt honored at being needed and making my own name. Furthermore, I am one step closer to accepting that which is my potential future. The happy that I couldn’t find is full-force in the face of what I thought was youthful fun. I have comfort that my life’s fire burns brighter than the one torching my mind. A low stream will continue to cut the life from it. It will breathe its last before I do.

I strive for your happiness now, better half. And you will find it because it is due. Together our ragged thoughts form smooth edges. You always have been my perfector.

Dear You, Guilty Pleasure

My head is pounding but I'm stuck inside these four walls. Limits on appearances hold me captive for three more long lectures. They drag while I sleep. My bright red face grows hotter with my breath; my bed sounds so fond. I'll crawl inside and shiver under four blankets' weight, then stop long enough to escape.

Dreams, you're there. But what do you mean to me, embedded in a dream? Come wrap your arms around me. Whisper inebriated words true. You're worth it; be worth more. Swirl inside my feverish thoughts and don't wear away with the Tylenol glaze. I'm selfish for a minute, and the rush you give eases my aching. You're medicinal. Whether fling or kept, I am alright inside this suffering body. Physical ailing can't touch my mind's tranquility; a sound mind this head is few and far between.

Thanks for the silence of confusion and the screaming of want. It's worth the headaches to breathe deep and take your poison. I'm not addicted, but the sin is worth the edge.

Dear You, Every Piece of This Life Ride.

(Not typical. Not singular. I'll throw a loop and see who stays on. You're not a part of me. You're all of me. To you, who matter. Every last one.)

Sunday let its drivers out, and I'm restless behind the wheel. My vision's fogged and the inability to see past my glasses makes me feel far from sound. Familiar melodies rush in my ears and out my windows, rolled down to spite the air turned cold.

I am middleman. State seduces state; I on one side but holding hearts of both. Your side holds my left hand; my right filled with those of my counterparts, my livelihood. My heart is encased in your bodies. I could be broken. In fact, I thought I was. But the heart's not divided. It stretches bigger than the capacity of most. Spread out over space, never divided in twos, threes, fours, or more. Pieces don't exist when the whole can be shared.

Everyday I watch as the lost and found give their selves away. Some found a peace and some will be pieces. Faith is operative; owners beware. Questions fly at the faces of the set aside, and they brace for the impact of realization. We will make it. But will we experience all we should? Doubt creeps; eyes leak. Tighten your faucets and throw away your tissues.

You are here for a reason. Here and there exist. We just exist outside of them. Vocal chords and screened words shape our beings, and we let them. Bodily touch and expression aren't taken for granted. I'll sit and watch the clouds that you float on. Bring yourself to me by tomorrow and be back in time for dinner.

You can distress yourselves or thank the stars for me and you and you and you and you and you and you and you…

Dear You, Guarded Soul

Dear You,

I highly doubt you’ll want to think this is to you, but I’m almost sure you’ll read it. Even if you do know it's you, you may not acknowledge it to me. It's okay, do what you will with it. I feel so much pressure to communicate this completely, like even the smallest mix up will be taken the wrong way. I miss the you I once knew. The you I was important to. No, that’s not me being selfish. I just feel like you were such a good person then.

You seem to have abandoned almost everything I really admired about you. Maybe that’s why we fell apart. I fought too hard only to meet resistance. All this time, and I still think about it. I still think about you. But I don’t know if you ever really think about me, about memories once so fond. I want you to know that it’s okay to remember. Maybe you don’t want to, but I think it’s valuable to: to remember, to learn. I hope it taught you a lot. You taught me a lot.

Don’t be too proud. I wish you’d find that old you again. I don’t think you realize how different you are. People are worried about you now. I’m worried about you now. The you I knew so well had it together. But you let it crumble; I don’t even know why it happened. You were so sure, and now it seems like you live to keep up appearances. You say you go against the norm, but I can see beyond your surface. You’re more lost than ever. And I want to be there for you. I can help you. All I want is for you to be someone you’ll be proud of. Don't be mad for this. You need honesty.

The way you talk doesn’t make you look any better. The way you act doesn’t make you any hotter. Do the world a favor and drop the ego. Be real. Let someone love you without boundaries. Quit the mind games and playing girls. Get yourself out of the messes you’re headed to before they trap you. I still know you well, better than you think. I found peace when I got over you. Now I want you to find yours from whatever burdens you. I still care about your well being and I’ll always be here for you. I really do want to be your best friend. Let down your guard. You won’t regret it.

Dear You, Lively Counterpart

Dear You,

Fast times are flying and you're always by my side. We've never been this on fire. I've never felt this close to perfect and confident in the saga that is me and you. We have all the stamina to carry this on. I love you and I've loved you; I feel it now stronger than ever before. In the not so eventful, we lay back and watch the stars with cookies in hand. Busy hits us and we ride the good times without loosing our hand-in-hand grip.

I don't want this to change. Phone calls accidentally longer and texts stream on for pages; I won't wish back the past. I've never felt more content. For so long I've strived for this. We may tweak and perfect details on occasion, but our very foundation, I can only hope, will remain unmoved.

Finally to the point of honesty. Finally we found our stride. Let's take it that stride and run. We're meant for these moments, meant to aid each other, and meant to form each other. We're grown and growing, together and older. Keep my promise around your neck; I'm wearing yours around mine.

Dear You, My Always Constant

Dear You,

You are not forgotten. In your heart, you feel replaced, out of place, trying to make everything fall into place. You’re as dear to me as you ever have been. The fault’s in me. Don’t struggle; don’t think. It’s me. It’s my crazy. It’s my life and balance and the sense to be made of them all. My turn. I need to show you now that I love you like I did on those nights we spend laying aimlessly on countless couches in sheer serenity.

Don’t give up on me just yet. Branching out takes its toll, but you are a part of me no matter what I change and who I become. Memories of growing up and growing into ourselves aren’t lost on me. Trust me, I won’t take everything you’ve been in my life for granted. I love you the same. Both the same as I always have and the same as I love those in the same place as you.

Know you’ll never be downgraded, never replaced. I’m sorry for the confusion of lately and I’m excited for the amazing of later. You’re in my life. I don’t want you to leave. Thank you for being patient. I don’t want to disappoint you anymore.

Dear You, Unlikely Confidante

Dear You,

You may be heaven sent. I confide in you things I'm too proud to tell anyone else. You, the calm and collected to my ranting and helpless. I hope I've helped. Break down your walls, because you're a beautiful person. You question yourself too much. Have you ever thought yourself up in your mind for all that you've done? No. I know that you haven't.

In your mind, you'll always be one step short of successful, a step behind on the trail everyone else so easily blazes. You have talent in every area you strive so hard for yet feel you fail to accomplish. You're not failing. I look UP to you. Because to the world you have it all figured out. To your friends, you are a rock. To yourself, you're a pretty alright person, just keeping your head above the water. Know that you're the only one who thinks that. You're going to go places in life.

You are maturity beyond measure and cool-headed in the face of trouble. Keep helping; never stop playing lifeline. You don't realize how many people need you. But every now and then, think of yourself. Look inside, write it out, scream it, play it, sing it: whatever it takes to drive into your mind that you are, truly and completely, a genuinely good person. You are rare. Don't discount that. Ever. Thank you. You've impacted me more than you'll ever know.

Dear You, Premade Best Friend

Dear You,
I wish you were still so influential to my life. I miss that summer long forgotten. I never thought I'd say that. It was the worst of my life. I miss it for you. You were my best friend, what happened? We're still close, yes. But you're so different now and so am I. We both grew into our awkward minds and bodies and became people worthy of good friendships and self confidence. I worry that you'll become your family. You are my family, quite literally, but you live in a house that is poison to your wellbeing.

Price tags mark your worth in their eyes. But I see you as so much more than that. First female president, future top executive. You try too hard when you could be a powerhouse without a second thought. You were made to be influential so don't be influenced. You're more than a rich girl. I want to be around to help you however I can.

I'm a carefree spirit to your rigorous extracurriculars, I'm a slacker to your scheduled study. But we were born best friends in pink and yellow Power Ranger souls. That won't change. Thanks for keeping me included in every step of your life. It's the little things that won't let me forget that you'll always be there for me. I love you.

Memories are Unavoidable.

I’ve noticed lately that as much as I wish it wasn’t true, I’m still prone to my moments of weakness. Even though I never let myself think what if, I find myself thinking about what was, and why it had to change. Life may be good now, but it has been just as good in the past. Some times have been even better. It’s hard to forget those; it’s hard not to wish they were still around. I accept the here and now. I love the here and now. I’m happy here and now. But I still think about then. I still dream about the past. Because once upon a time, I was the happiest I’ve ever been in life. I’m not one of those girls that will say that once something is over, it didn’t mean as much as they said it did. No. I’m not too proud to admit that those times were the best of my life. The fact that it’s over, stuck in the past, doesn’t change how happy I was in that moment.

So I have an acceptance that the past will always be a part of me. I’ll never regret or wish away those amazing memories. However, sometimes I do wish that this sense of longing would go away. I wish I could have fun now without it feeling like someone’s picking at the edge of a scab in my heart. It’s a feeling similar to guilt, like I feel cautious having a good time. Will this be nothing more than a memory to look back at too? Should I really put stake in this if it’s going to fade away? It makes me wonder exactly how much momentary happiness is worth.

But that’s me at my most cynical. This is where the dominant part of me kicks in and kicks myself in the head. Momentary happiness is worth every single bit of the joy felt in the moment. You should never look ahead and question a moment’s longevity in your life if it feels right. At that one moment in time, it was what made you happy. No matter what happens afterwards, once upon a time that moment meant everything to you. So don’t question it.

Now it’s my turn to take my own advice. Once upon a time, I clung to those memories like the pictures, phones, and songs they live it. I need to learn to let go for good. I let go of feelings, now I need to learn to be able to remember the past without that shade of hurt coloring my view. Now’s the perfect time to make new memories, and keep the old ones in a place of love, but not of loss. The memories aren’t gone. They’re never going. And thank God for that. It’s the people, the places, the circumstances that have changed. And that’s not for me to worry about anymore. I may make new memories with those same people, but they’ll be different in every way. There’s no use in nostalgically longing for the past.

Instead of looking back, I’ll long for tomorrow; I’ll feel the excitement of new memories to make and moments to live. Right now is the happiest time of my life. I have so many more happiest times of my life to look forward to. I’m so thankful for the ones in the past, but they don’t define me. Moments of weakness aside, I think I have it all in check. And that’s enough to get me through any weak times to come.

October is heaven.

I love October. I love the feeling of being busy, and always having something to look forward to.

I can promise you I've been acting on my last post, which you could hopefully tell by the lack of updates since then. So often, writing is my escape when my thoughts are so full my head could explode. Lately, I really haven't needed it because everything's been falling into place. Branching out feels good. All the relationships in my life have found a balance; they're all strong. Knock on wood, but I feel like the good vibes that always come along with October are working their magic. I have so much to look forward to in this crazy month, and I can't wait to live it all.

To the most important people in my life, and you know who you are, I love you. You're my world. To the people who have shaped and influence me, thank you. You may be one and you don't even know.

Everything's good and life's going my way. I don't think anything can stop me now.

I need. I want. I feel. Epiphany.

I feel weightless. I feel free. On top of the world with no standards to live by.

I feel like going out on a weeknight, like staying out way later than I should the night before I have a big assignment due.

I want to do something that my conscience would deem completely and totaly reckless.

I feel like being wanted more than I'm wanting, for once.

I want to go running at midnight, outside, alone, and be unafraid.

I feel like jumping out of a plane, getting a tattoo, and driving with no destination till my gas gauge says empty.

I want to tell someone every single one of my imperfections and have them not take advantage of them.

I feel like making friends with a stranger, and make a lasting friend as a result.

I want to hang out with kids I'd never dreamed I'd be around and love every second.

I feel like skipping my first-meeting shyness and doing something crazy in front of a someone new and having them accept me whole heartedly for the goofball I am.

I want to not need my cell phone because I'm with everyone who I'd want to talk to.

I feel like letting go and not making second guesses.

I want to start fresh with the people who would never hurt me. Who know me inside and out and love me for it. And who are willing to let me know them inside and out.

I feel like feeling beautiful without fearing coming across as vain.

I want to play or sing in front of someone and not care how bad or good I sound.
I feel like going out on a day when I'd rather stay in.

I want guilty pleasure moments I'll never regret.

And I realize who I need in all of that. And I realize that I love those people more than anything.

And now's the time. Because I know you don't feel like this everyday, and I'm acting on it. The past is past, and the here and now is my life. I'm gonna make the most of it and not waste a second being anything but happy. So here's to epiphanies and the people who help you have them, to realizations and the people you won't regret leaving behind, talents and weaknesses, vulnerability and strength. I'm gonna screw up, and I'm gonna do something totally selfless. I'm not pigeonholed or stuck.

In fact, I'm free.

What I'm doing with my life.

So today I discovered some pretty significant thigns about myself, in the form of a meeting with what I call a "career shrink." About a month ago I filled out some tests and forms, and sent them in, and this doctor analyzed my results. What I found out from him was completely fascinating.

He started with saying that I was the kind of person who could go a vast number of ways, careerwise. My interests are very widespread, and according to the test I guess I'm a well-adjusted person, as he said it, I'm not the "weird type" at all. We talked about my love of music and writing, and he talked about how well it reflected in my results. Then he started on the topic of college majors, and I couldn't help but positively beam at the suggestion he gave me. He told me to major in Communications, in the area of Journalism or TV/Film Broadcasting. Wow. I was so excited. I'd love any career that could come out of those majors! Another suggestion he gave was to major in English and Creative Writing, that any of those majors would be perfect for me and my future suitable careers. He went on to explain how these suited me; things I can't even put into the right words to relay. It felt like he knew exactly what went on in my mind, the very person I am.

Honestly, this appointment was so worthwhile. He told me things that totally intrigued me about myself! I won't go into the detail of all the potential careers he laid out for me, but all that he said captured my interest. I would recommend for any kid my age to go through something like this. I'm so psyched for my future now. My mind is a lot clearer now that I know what to make of my talents. Now it's down to narrowing down colleges and picking the right one. That doesn't seem so daunting anymore, now that I have it down to five schools. I'm feeling sooo goooood!

So I know what I'm doing in college now! :- ) And that's an amazing feeling to have. I'll take my freshman and possibly sophomore year to narrow it down to one of the above listed majors. I know by then one will be out in the front of the pack. From there, I can go on to do about a million careers, whatever my little heart desires.

I couldn't be more excited. Bring on the future.

Escape.

Wish I could write a song and play it for you
But I steal others' melodies and sing out of tune
And I know, in this way
Not a thing will be good enough to say to you

Just something I made up while in the Brand New mindset. Naturally, the line about stolen melodies is because I made these lyrics up to one of Brand New's melodies. Hah. Their music is good brainfood for me. Honestly, they've created the aura I've been living in for a good period of time.

All I have to say is, I know why music is in my life. Writing and music. Last summer, I found my escape. It may be crazy to say, but this really is my way of dealing. When I'm in here, whether it's in front of the screen or equipped with a pen in hand, I'm at my best. Add some good tunes to the mix, and I'm complete. Everything else is gone when I find a song I can relate to, when I get my feelings out of me and into words I could never manage to express so articulately out loud. I don't know what I would do if I hadn't discovered this therapy. All I know is it's the reason I'm the generally upbeat person that I am. It keeps me going through the tough times because I can write it and release it, and move forward with my life. And it's times like now that I appreciate that so much.

One more thing, thank God that you can write unpublished drafts on here. I'm developing a small army of them. Haha. They're nice to have, but they're things I'm too afraid or feel I don't need to post. Maybe someday. But for now, it's nice just to have them out where I can read.

Because even if you can't see it, at least I know it's out of me, that it's there, and that my thoughts are that much clearer.

Sometimes, I get frustrated with people.

Slowly but surely, I'm realizing what drives me crazy about people. Sure, I like to think of myself as tolerant, but I have my moments of weakness just like anyone else. Today it hit me, a simple two words that I haven't really outright admitted about myself: I'm opinionated. I've realized that I have views on just about every matter that's up for debate. Naturally, everyone has feelings pulling them in a certain direction; it just depends on how each person feels about the urgency to express those views. I'm the type that's pretty active in discussion; I like sharing my opinions. I like even more when people respectfully disagree with me. You know that fluttery little spasm of excitement you get in your stomach before opening your birthday presents? Arguing my views gives me a sensation something like that on a lesser scale. I live for a well-rounded argument between level-headed people.

So obviously, fighting the irrational makes me absolutely crazy. I can't stand justifying myself against views that are half baked but fought for like they are the world's greatest. Take for instance some people in a class of mine. They're totally gung-ho for Sarah Palin, purely because she's female. Yes, it's great to see a female running for office, but you can't base the nation's future on that. They'll fight to the death that everything she does is great and she rocks and everyone else sucks, and so on. Do they even consider her lack of experience, let alone ANY other factor besides the fact that she has different parts than her opposers? Views have to be thought through before they can be fought. Otherwise, you may think you're right, when in fact your fellow debater is using everything in them to keep from screaming at your obvious lack of thought processing.

Remember, this is just me ranting about the stuff on my mind. I don't mean to cause any uproar and I don't mean to offend a soul. All I ask is if you read what I write, take it in with an open mind. It's going to be opinion packed.

It's insane to be able to find calm in chaos. Every word I write comes from a place of passion. What did I do to deserve the clarity this brings? All I know is I couldn't ask for more.

Thinker.

It's crazy how day to day life is lately. It's kind of an adventure to see what mood I'm going to be in when I wake up in the mornings. I've been through the whole rainbow of moods in the past week or two; it's really been a rather colorful period of time. I've been everywhere from hurt, unsure, even angry, to super independent and sunny. The past few days, though, have been all upbeat. I don't know what flipped the switch, but all of a sudden, I feel like me again. I'm not sorry for myself or down on my luck. Thank God for that. I like being happy; it feels nice. I may have my fair share of shit to deal with, but it hardly seems daunting anymore. I know that I'm strong and I can handle it all. So my mind is calm again; I found my peace. Sure, I can't help but think every know and then, but I know I'm gonna be okay. What a good feeling. Plus, it seems like the people closest to me are more supportive of me than ever. I'm blessed; I have a lot of love in my life. I have a gut feeling that this weekend is going to be a big one, and I'm so excited to face it head on. I'm looking forward to the tons of plans I have and the amazing people I get to spend them with. I realize I have a lot going for me, and that's what I tell myself when I get down. The near future should be a good one. Here's to this crazy ride called life.

I've done so much thinking lately, even more than usual. It's completely crazyy! Sometimes I wish I could shut my mind off. Others, I love it and consider it a gift. Do Most people spend this much time thinking? There's a comfort, a quiet in my mind that I can't seem to find anywhere else. This is all the therapy I'll ever need.

I'm living.

Nothing beats the feeling of driving in weather like today. Windows down, music loud, singing like you don’t give a damn who hears, it’s incomparable. For once in my life, I didn’t care that the minivan in front of me was going 25 in a 30 on a country road where you can easily get away with doing 50. My road rage shattered in some sort of weather-induced bliss. Despite the drizzle, I had both windows down all the way, sticking my hand out of the driver’s side and catching drops on my hand. The breeze was the perfect temperature for my light sweatshirt.

A few times I even caught myself with my head back, closing my eyes. That’s when you know you’re getting a taste of heaven, when you know, for those few seconds; you’re going to be safe enough to enjoy the perfection of the moment. Vision didn’t matter; it was just like my sense of feel took over. I haven’t experienced the awareness of feeling like I did today in a long time. It was like I could feel the breeze wrapping around my fingers and every raindrop collide with my palm.

The littlest of moments. Just another drive home from school on an overcast day. But days like today remind me that I am alive. I didn’t take those 20 minutes for granted. I realized that everyday I take those 20 minutes for granted. I’m usually still in the blahblahschool state of mind, and I don’t turn on my senses ‘til I’m home. How much time have I been wasting in that lull? I wish I didn’t. But today I can say that I lived. In the most average of moments, I felt every detail of my life like I was freeze-framed in that state of being.

So now I’m going to quit talking about it, and go sit on my balcony while it drizzles some more. I’ll crank my tunes once again and let myself fall into the depths of their meanings. Today, I surrender to this feeling, because I haven’t felt this good in awhile. I’m alive today, and with any luck I’ll live to see tomorrow.

Seriously, how lucky am I? I’m alive and young. I’m living. I’m the luckiest girl in the world, if nothing else but for today.

Am I really learning?

It’s seemingly impossible to enjoy a full school day these days. There always that one class period of the day where you find yourself frequently checking the clock, just to be let down by the passing of no more than five minutes. It sucks the worst when this happens multiple times a day, but yet, it’s happened to us all. Why has school developed this stigma of being nothing but torture? Why can’t we seem to find any sense of enjoyment in the knowledge being filed in our brains? I think education isn’t serving its purpose. What good is a mind full of facts when its owner has no idea how to apply it to everyday life? School boards and educators stress the value of “core classes.” Why? We may not need three-fourths of the knowledge we gain from them in the long run.

Electives are few and far between anymore. All the state cares about is ISTEP scores. Training kids for statistical success according to test results is the only stress is education these days. Instead of increasing electives that could potentially bring a light to the usually dark days of monotony in high schools, they’re shutting more windows and keeping students in the dark of their dreams. We’re being trained for all things by the book and mundane. Not everyone can fill cubicles. Some of us are meant to live outside the norm. Some of our success can’t be measured in ISTEP scores. There’s a good deal of students who won’t learn anything relating to the career they desire until they enter it.

High schools are supposed to be training students for their future. Sure, core classes aid in this, but they should NOT be the focus they have become today. Core and electives should be balanced in a way that allows students to apply their knowledge in everyday situations.

Naturally, this blog was provoked by the very thing I’m raving about. I’m just chilling in the library with nothing to do and too much time to do it. Is it lunchtime yet?