Memories are Unavoidable.

I’ve noticed lately that as much as I wish it wasn’t true, I’m still prone to my moments of weakness. Even though I never let myself think what if, I find myself thinking about what was, and why it had to change. Life may be good now, but it has been just as good in the past. Some times have been even better. It’s hard to forget those; it’s hard not to wish they were still around. I accept the here and now. I love the here and now. I’m happy here and now. But I still think about then. I still dream about the past. Because once upon a time, I was the happiest I’ve ever been in life. I’m not one of those girls that will say that once something is over, it didn’t mean as much as they said it did. No. I’m not too proud to admit that those times were the best of my life. The fact that it’s over, stuck in the past, doesn’t change how happy I was in that moment.

So I have an acceptance that the past will always be a part of me. I’ll never regret or wish away those amazing memories. However, sometimes I do wish that this sense of longing would go away. I wish I could have fun now without it feeling like someone’s picking at the edge of a scab in my heart. It’s a feeling similar to guilt, like I feel cautious having a good time. Will this be nothing more than a memory to look back at too? Should I really put stake in this if it’s going to fade away? It makes me wonder exactly how much momentary happiness is worth.

But that’s me at my most cynical. This is where the dominant part of me kicks in and kicks myself in the head. Momentary happiness is worth every single bit of the joy felt in the moment. You should never look ahead and question a moment’s longevity in your life if it feels right. At that one moment in time, it was what made you happy. No matter what happens afterwards, once upon a time that moment meant everything to you. So don’t question it.

Now it’s my turn to take my own advice. Once upon a time, I clung to those memories like the pictures, phones, and songs they live it. I need to learn to let go for good. I let go of feelings, now I need to learn to be able to remember the past without that shade of hurt coloring my view. Now’s the perfect time to make new memories, and keep the old ones in a place of love, but not of loss. The memories aren’t gone. They’re never going. And thank God for that. It’s the people, the places, the circumstances that have changed. And that’s not for me to worry about anymore. I may make new memories with those same people, but they’ll be different in every way. There’s no use in nostalgically longing for the past.

Instead of looking back, I’ll long for tomorrow; I’ll feel the excitement of new memories to make and moments to live. Right now is the happiest time of my life. I have so many more happiest times of my life to look forward to. I’m so thankful for the ones in the past, but they don’t define me. Moments of weakness aside, I think I have it all in check. And that’s enough to get me through any weak times to come.