Feel. 9/08

I can’t stand missing you like I do right now. It’s not the missing you I’ve experienced since that fateful day of July 19, It’s a completely different brand. This missing you feels like missing something I’ve lost. Tell me, why do I feel like I lost something I still have? Something’s changed and not for the good. And I have faith it can change again, for the better. It has been KILLING me inside, feeling like I’m losing you. But lately, I’m not enough for you; in my mind, at least. Lately I feel completely inadequate, like every effort I make at conversation is futile. I NEED something from you. I need to feel like you want me. If that’s entirely vain to say, then call me vain. But I cannot stand feeling like a total fool every time I try to talk to the boy I love.

Every now and then, I get a taste of that love you have for me. But it used to burn so bright. Tell me, is it burning out or still as bright as ever under a shield I can’t see past? I hope this doesn’t hurt you, but it might. I feel like I’m giving so much more than I’m getting. I feel like I deserve more than a few generic texts and a half-asleep phone call. If you still want me, show me. Because I’m at my most vulnerable. I still need you, and I am so damn afraid you don’t need me the same way. I hope this is a wake-up call and things will go back to being great, that we’ll go back to sharing such an amazing love. I want you to be able to tell me everything. Things I may not like, even.

If there’s something that is distancing you from me lately, I know what it is. So don’t hesitate to tell me, because I already know. Just not from you, just not the whole story. Which would set my mind way more at ease than knowing as little as I do and letting my mind run wild with thoughts with potential to completely torture me. I miss the cheesiness. I miss being able to be totally mushy with you. I miss what made us unique. I miss you more than anything. Like you said just the other day, we can make it. Just let me in, please, I’m begging. This can work; don’t listen to anything that says we can’t. Forget about time. It’s not on our side. That’s never stopped us before.

Please tell me you still care enough to see this through. Please tell me you want to make me happy; I know I'd do anything to see you smile. I hope so, because I will be broken if I lose you now. With a few changes, we’ll be more than fine. I love you, I don't want this to change anytime soon. Hold on to me; everyone else lets go.