Hammers and Strings.

This is living life the only way I know how. And I'm not doing a very good fucking job of it, you know?

You deserve a second chance. Or wait, is it third? Fourth? I lost track somewhere along the lines I wrote on several pages that went unread, or at least unacknowledged. But still, everything was so much easier 36 hours ago. Everything was clear and I was right on track. Of course, everything's easier when it's me on my own, me and my thoughts. Enter peanut gallery. These hammers and strings been following me around.

No one's ever alone. Once (or countless times) I said that as a comfort. Now, it feels more like a burden. What happens when you want to be left alone for five minutes' peace? You, I can't tell; you're lost. You, you understand more than I'd like. You, you don't know the dynamic. You, you're clueless and pretending to be an expert. You, you are the thin line. Fuck. Give me something to trust.

I'm not doing well enough, obviously. All I wanted was to let everything work gradually, but that was too much to ask from the people that stand closest to me. I know I have a lot of weaknesses and I'm prone to my relapses. You're trying to keep me strong, but I'm asking you to put on the breaks. Slow down. Thank you so much for loving me and thank you for honesty, but it's overwhelming. I have to mess up a little to know what right and what I need to stear clear of. I've always been terrified to go in anything alone, but I need it most right now. This is where I stare my fear in the eye and come out better by it. I know I'm not crazy; I just lost my will.

I'm not saying I don't need you, all of you. I am asking you to listen, and I expect concern. All I can hope for is that you pass up the urge to warn me on occasion. Consider me warned. I've heard every single person's words and I'm weighing them. As much as each account can contradict, I'm trying to sift through and lace together the common threads. I don't need much advice now to feed the confusion. I've got this. So trust me. Have faith that I'll take care of myself. I miss you like hell; I still hear you in this old piano.

Thank God for all the people I love, and all that love me. I hope no one forgets that or thinks it doesn't mean anything. I'm sorry. I've been trying to hold so much back and letting it build has been toxic. It's hard not to like myself. It's impossible when I'm daily reminded that I'm constantly screwing up in someone's eyes. Isn't everybody? Why do I feel singularity? I can't make a right decision. I'm told all the time to make myself happy and stop worrying about making other people happy. I just don't operate like that. When other people that matter are upset with me or my decisions, I can't be happy. Not fully, at least. But it's impossible when everything I need fights everything I want. So write it down; I don't think that I'll close my eyes.

So I'll chase what I want and clutch what I need. I'm breaking out of this state of caring to the point of tears, because I don't cry in front of an audience. I use weakness to get strong. I find happiness in every day.So the unmatching colors reflect on my smile and I let color rise in my cheeks. "Honey, your big green eyes are too pretty to let your tears turn 'em red." A Kindergarten lesson carries into adulthood. I'm old enough to go to jail, but not to rent a hotel room. Blame the law for shivering roadtrippers sleeping at rest stops. Blame the old pictures for fresh bouts of one-time illnesses. Blame the stomach for the food I can't seem to take. Blame myself for joking comments taken to heart. I'm the only reason that everything stings. It seems like words are easier to come by and harder to make positive. It's just that at night, I've got nowhere to hide.

And now, it's time to climb uphill. Because I'm not going to let my downer tendencies at the current influence another lost chance. This time around, I'm not running before the gun fires; I'm hoping for anything but a false start. Here's to holding out and not getting let down. I'm force-feeding myself a self-prescribed dose of optimism because I do have faith. In you, in time. Time is my friend, and time is all I need. Time will help us figure it out, so let's take all that we need to get it right. I'm in no hurry if you promise you'll stick it out. I'm asking you to stay. So smile and be confident and shine. Confusion isn't necessary so let's leave it behind. I'm telling you not to be scared. I'm not anymore, so don't hold anything back. It's as simple as loosening your grip on the wheel and watching the sunset instead. Stay with me until the sun rises again. Just promise you won't let it be just the keys that you touch.

To the sleepless, this is my reply: I will write you a lullaby.