Don't Grow Up Too Fast.

The funny thing about love is that it is daily presenting itself to be boundless and far less terrifying than ever it was when I found myself unwillingly in it. I'm so carefree these days. I'm so tired these days. Since when have I been able to sleep for more than 10 consecutive hours? It's more than likely the drive, and on a less apparent note, the separation, that bears the blame. But I shut my eyes when I can and I force them open into the wee hours. I can sleep when I'm dead. Some days I'm dead. Dead to the world. I've wasted about 75% of my summer to date doing a whole lot of nothing, but I don't regret any of it.

I look back at days when I was a flurry of activity. I think I deserve the downtime. I'm a different person. I'm as scatterbrained as I've ever been, but now I think I do a lot better job of following it, in a sense completely unrelated to that stupid new website I can't seem to understand. It has been nearly a month since the intoxication has taken me over, over a week since I've been any form of crazy. It's funny, I got away with so much when I was out of control. I was good at it. Is that a deadly confession? I let go of any kind of belief deeper than my skin. I see it in the sky, in late night phone calls on day long drives, songs, and circumstances. I laughed when I was standing next to you. That was the song I've drawn countless parallels to. Slip into something more comfortable; the night is never wrong, but we are. I'd like to call it coincidence, but I believe in fate.

Maybe clarity isn't so much an anvil to the head as it is a baby unwrapping its present by itself. Gushing mommy eggs you on; all you care about is a particularly tasty box corner. Ten, fifteen minutes to unveil another toy you'll love for five minutes and forget about. Remember how disposable everything was when you were young? I remember being about six years old, sitting on the couch, crying for a solid half hour (God knows I could cry with the best of them) about a doll or bunny or teddy bear that I'd lost months before. It mattered then, but I have no idea why. It was gone, I had loved the worth out of it. Still, in my childish mind that loved tea parties and hated clothes, I remembered and I felt sorry for forgetting about that stuffed animal.

I did this a lot, really. I'd cry, I'd search, I'd find it, and I'd cuddle it every night for a week or so then let it collect dust again. I've always been a person more prone to feeling sorry than anyone should be. Some days I wish I'd outgrown that like all the toys that were the object of it half my life ago. How much sentiment is too much? How many friends will I forget about, find, hold close, and forget about again? I don't like feeling sorry, but sometimes I know it's for the best. On days like today, I don't care. On days like today, I'm not sorry about anything. Excitement is growing in my stomach, and I'm not telling it to stop. I'm not sweating the circumstances like everyone else; I know everything will work out. By the end of the night, by the end of the week, by the end of the summer, everyone will be smiling. What a good damn time. That's what I'm hoping the summary of my summer will look like. I don't think it's much to ask for.

Lately my mind has been swirling with possibilities. I'm creating a collage, so far only in my mind. I'm alive; stay awake. I don't need a witness to know that I survived. You've got me, got me all wrong, but I don't mind. I've been thinking some shameless things lately. Something along the lines of a theme song I disguised as someone else's. Something about knowing where trouble is. Then there's a breath of fresh air in a loud, dark room and I know I'm not stuck. Not long ago I felt the shift. This summer is promising to be shameless. I've learned from the best, and now I have a feeling we're going to be a devilish team.

Smile, nothing about the next few months will hurt. Who cares about uncharted and forbidden territory. Some days, I'll sit on my ass and watch reruns. Some days, I'll make plans with anyone who asks. I'll go from sunrise to sunset with a blink or two in between, and do it all again. After all, expectations are overrated. We're still young, we can go all night. I intend to live a balanced life. My scales are different from yours. There's no agreeable measurement for living. There's nothing wrong with being young, a little stupid, and growing up all at once. Let's all act our ages, for once.

I've always been a fan of catching life as it came to me. I'll catch you there.