Let's Get This Over With, Already.

Let’s get a few things straight now:

A lot has changed in the past year. I can tell you that about six million things besides my age have changed within its borders. That includes physical, emotional, spiritual, you get the picture. I’ve been places that are sketchy and probably terrible ideas on my behalf, and places that I never knew could make me feel so good. Mostly I’ve been everywhere in between. But still, we’re one year removed and one year changed. So, if everyone that has survived the crazy span that has been one year in countless lives, why is it that I’m seeing things that just don’t fit in the here and now? Why do I see words that don’t make sense in this context?

So once upon a time, I went to a place with my best friend 1000 miles away to see kids that meant a lot to us. Yes, it didn’t make sense to almost anyone. Obviously, it still doesn’t make sense to you. I could really care less if it makes sense, because the people and experiences I gained from it far outweigh the crazy stares I got then and lingering comments from you. I am really not interesting. AT ALL. And you insist that we’re not worth your time or thought. So please, by all means, don’t freaking spend it on me, it’s as easy as that.

My best friend and myself really do not think about you. We wish the best in the life that we’ve never been a part of and leave it at that. We never created a friendship, and that happens. Sometimes people just never get around to being friends, case in point with you and I, I guess. It’s not that I ever had a vendetta against you, it was just nature. No hard feelings about it. I don’t think less of you for it. I don’t care if you don’t like me, and I don’t care if situations have caused that. I’m sick of hearing about the latest shit you’ve spun about me. Have you run out of things to talk about? Seriously.

Like I said, I am not interesting. I am not cool. I know that. So… what more do you want? Is it that once upon a time I dated a boy and it didn’t last? I’m not ashamed. Long distance is hard, and him and I didn’t have the energy to make it last. Apparently the friends that I so surprisingly have here were enough for me. You do not know what happened between him and me, so don’t pretend to know. When it comes to you, I know only what I have heard. When it comes to me, you know only what you have heard. I speak of you only when asked for advice, and it’s been a good couple of months since that’s been necessary. I try not to get too involved simply because it’s true, I do not know you. I don’t know your favorite color or what you like to do on the weekends. I don’t know who you are to yourself, who you are to your friends. I can’t say I’ve ever even had a legitimate conversation with you. So why is there this insane hostility that has you thinking of me, “Hi, I’m a fucking creep that lives far away and hates your guts.”

That hostility, that tension; I don’t give a shit about it. I wish it didn’t exist. I do not enjoy knowing that someone out there dislikes me. I like it even less that you have to be so goddamn public about it. Do not talk shit about me to my friends. Do not talk shit about my friends. I’ll admit that what I have seen of you, I do not like, because you’ve really been giving me nothing of the positive side of you. Not that I expect anything from you, or expect that you care what I think. I just want you to know that if I am so lame and friendless and pathetic and creepy and bitchy and terrible, then keep me off your mind and out of your conversation. It’s not worth the hard feelings it causes.

And if you get off on stirring that shit up, that’s your problem, and you have a blast with it. But if you’re a better person than that like I hope to God you are, leave me in the past. Leave my best friend and me in our state 1000 miles away from yours. This petty shit is just stupid, on both sides of the goddamn divide. I have words I’d rather write than this. It doesn’t matter to me if you read this and this it’s a load of shit; I've just had enough. I think it’s awesome you have things going for you there. I think it sucks that you probably have your down times too. I think it sucks when anyone has to go through shit that sucks, and I think it’s awesome when anyone is having the time of their lives. It can be as easy as that.

Don’t think less of my friends there because they’re friends with me. I promise, the apparent poison doesn’t infect my friends. I’m not a shitty person, contrary to what you may believe. I was born with ten little fingers and ten little toes. I’m the youngest of three. I’ve always been a dreamer and I’ve always been scared of the dark. If you hate that, if you hate me, that’s okay. All I ask is that you give up the grudge. I’m not asking you to be my friend and I’m not telling you that you’re not allowed to think I suck. Go for the gold, seriously. I’m just saying that I’d appreciate it if you let go and I promise I will do the same. I put this here because this is the only place you might see it. I have no other way to reach you.

I don’t know what I did to make you feel so strongly about me, but honest to God, feel free to let me know. Feel free to let me fucking have it. It would be so much better if you sent me a ten page long letter telling me why I suck than just telling all your friends about me. Go to the source. Man up. If you have beef with me or my friend, then take your beef to us. I’d really rather hear it from you.

So bring your issues to me, or leave them in the past and forget about me. I’m ready to be done with it when you are.