An Instruction Manual For Parents: How To Extract the Boogeyman

It’s 3 a.m., and you feel the tug of a tiny hand on your sleeve. Suddenly, you’re jerked from sweet dreams of island getaways and relaxation, sitting upright as a bead of sweat dive-bombs down your forehead. In this moment, you know.

There’s been another sighting.

Your head snaps, lightning quick, cocked at a forty-five degree angle to meet your sweet child’s eyes. Lids that should be heavy expose far more white than usual. His or her irises are a tattoo needle prick on an ocean blue canvas. His small voice rises and falls in a simple sentence.

“Mama, papa- he’s under my bed again.”

Aloud you cry, “Don’t panic!” But your heart refuses to take your mouth’s advice. This is serious. This is war.

The Boogeyman’s strikes are completely random and unpredictable. You are NOT immune. However, don’t go bolting yourselves in your bathroom just yet. You, the brave moms and dads of the world, are soldiers. YOU can defeat him. YOU can eliminate your child’s sleepless nights. By reading the following four steps carefully, you can become a part of our 100% success rate to date.

STEP 1: BATTLE PLANS
Send your child to a friend’s house for the night; you’ll need to booby trap his or her room. Focus your attention on two target areas: under the bed and in the closet. 100% of Boogeyman sightings have occurred in these two locations. After thorough research, it has been devised that the most effective device for trapping the Boogeyman is this: orange paint. It’s a little known fact that the Boogeyman is navy blue, a color that blends with the night very easily. If not for his shining red eyes, he could go virtually undetected in the night. By creating motion-controlled orange paint bombs (A bucket over the door attached to wire will do if you lack bomb-making skill), you remove his ability to be sly. His dark exterior will be coated in a vibrant orange. At this point, you are no longer on the defensive.

STEP 2: THE WAITING GAME
You want to ensure that your child is still away or sound asleep in a cough syrup lull when this step occurs. Seeing the entire form of this terrifying beast is sure to lead to an embarrassing episode of bedwetting. As such, it is best to keep them blissfully unaware. Scouting location is very important: the best location is just outside your child’s bedroom with the door cracked as wide as one of your eyes. When the Boogeyman is approaching, you’ll hear the closet door creak or the bed frame squeak. Each will be accompanied by the sighting of the glowing red eyes. No time to freeze up now, soldier. It’s time to stand and fight.

STEP 3: BATTLE AND CONFINE
With a thudding splat, the beast is at once covered in paint. He is now a moving target. He is yours for the taking. Have a black, extra strength Hefty trash bag at the ready. As he wipes the dripping paint from his eyes, attack! Throw the bag over his head, drawing the yellow ties in a knot as swiftly as possible. It has been scientifically proven that the Boogeyman is completely powerless to Hefty brand trash bags. Contrary to popular belief, his claws are NOT sharp enough to puncture its reinforcement. However, if you use an off brand, beware: the Boogeyman will escape and take his rage out on the closest human (that being you). You will not regret spending the extra money.

Once the beast is secured, you must confine him in order to prevent a reoccurrence of his attacks. Take the bag by the yellow handles (his body weight will be surprisingly easy to carry) and dispose of the bag in the trash of someone you are not fond of. The boogeyman will catch the scent of the unpleasant child and focus its attention on sneaking into his or her room.

STEP 4: REASSURE
Once daylight has returned, awake your sleeping child, or greet them as they return from their friend’s house. Hurry them to their bedside and remove the curtain of comforter that hides the dreaded space beneath the bed. They’ll see boxes and toys and in all likelihood, dust, but will light up as they notice the Boogeyman’s absence. Fling open the closet doors and push through stacks of dirty clothes to reveal the same absence hidden within. At this point, your child will fling his of her arms around your neck. This is your medal of honor, comrades. With this victorious embrace, you’ll know. You have won.