I am alive, I am.

I just need to say that I missed days like today. Days when I looked forward to spending most of my time at home, as long as a few hours of it were spent beside people I care about. I missed knowing who those people were. It really is hard to describe my state of mind, my state of being all around. Something changed, and I'm in no hurry to reverse its efforts. The day I discovered your life had come to an end was the day I stopped living mine in the past. Well, maybe I took my sweet time remembering the few hours I spent with you, but I think that's healthy in such a case. But I did move forward in the way of what I was holding onto. No past pain is worth a grip on your heart; nothing should have a singular grip on your livelihood. With mood swings and snaps at people that love me, it took a lot to figure out as everything I've been and everything I could be flashed before my eyes.

Your name lit up my phone, like I've grown accustomed to daily viewing. You, I want to keep. An angel, a blessing. I hope I can ever help you as much as you have me. The days I've spent with you are far outnumbered by the times I've thanked every star in heaven for you in my life. The conversation never will dry up, and neither will food for our ever overthinking minds. You, my day-to-day constant; you I can't even begin to describe. I never could know life without you in it and I never plan to. Thanks for bearing with me through the turmoil of the week. Thank you even more for sharing not only the joy, but the pain with me. I couldn't get through most things without you, and I'm glad you feel that you can expect the same from me. I got testy this week, and you called me out on my shit. Everyone needs someone like that. Lucky I have you; you're a gift I'm convinced no one else could receive. The word lucky doesn't even begin to describe the way I feel when it comes to you as my other half.

I was surprised to discover that you crossed my mind the second it sunk in. You were the remaining third of the people in this state that felt the pain, and I couldn't stop my mind from hoping you were okay. Your words that day, the first message, meant a lot to me. I'm sorry it had to take this to realize that nothing is worth holding onto when someone matters to you, but I'm glad you were there. I'm glad today I could smile like old times with you. People like us never should fall away for good like we tried to. I've realized in all this that I always will consider you close to me, and I look forward for more good times like today. When everything is brought into perspective, it's amazing what you notice has worth in your eyes. I couldn't be happier that you reached out. I see good things coming.

Strangely enough, all of this brought a pull in my heart first of all to you, but after a few hours, the effects reversed. You're one of those things that isn't worth the stress and constant captivation of my thoughts. Living is a gift, as I so well know by now, and I know I can't live it fully when I'm caught up in something like the mess I had myself in. The danger in the way you live, the poison in the air you breath out; it's going to be toxic to me if I don't practice moderation or separation. It was an unspoken clean cut that I'd been seeking. It always was something no one understood. Did I ever really understand it? I know I didn't, and it's okay. The fun lights up my memory and the friendships I take away are something I wouldn't trade.

This isn't a send off. This isn't a cold shoulder. It's an acceptance of what I can be, and an acceptance of how it should be. This is making sense of the past, and from here on out, having a happy future as a result of it. The beauty is overwhelming when I look forward. I think you're smiling down on me right now. You're the lingering ray of sunshine as the sun sets. I promise happiness, true happiness, in my future because of all the things you've brought into my mind. I'm seeing so clearly. After some offhand silly items and a little more than pocket change, I'm smiling so wide even as a bump rises in my throat. I hope tears say not only that I'm sad that you're gone, but that I'm so happy you've shown me that my life is a gift. I'm going to fight for what matters and let go of everything that's holding me back.

I'm alive. My catchphrase. I'm going to mean it everyday for you.